Relationship Should I Contact Him?

[Pheobe]

My fiance has shut himself away for the past two weeks. We don't live together, I live with my elderly mum, and he lives with his recently widowed mother. I usually spend the weekend at his place. We speak everyday on the phone, and sometimes meet up in the week as well. Something triggered him (there are several things I can think of) and he hasn't phoned or been in touch at all. I speak to his mum daily, and he is not communicating with her either. He is going to work, and seems able to hold a 'normal' conversation with anyone but me and his mum. He doesn't have any close friends that he can talk to about the illness; in fact, I think I'm the only person who knows the whole story. His mum tells me that he is wearing his engagement ring, and has my photo by his bed as normal.

Reading through posts on this forum it seems that any contact, such as sending a txt to say, 'I love you', is a no-no, and could cause problems for the sufferer. I have only sent two e-mails over the past two weeks, one to ask what the problem is, and could I help, and I love him, to which there was no response, and the second to let him know I couldn't come to visit him last weekend as I had to work (new job!) and I love him. There was no response to either.

How long should I let it go? Should I be contacting him? Should I be leaving him alone?

I would be grateful for any thoughts on the matter, as normally I would be going to see him tomorrow, but I'm unsure about turning up and upsetting him, but then again, if he is hoping that I will arrive, will not turning up be worse for him?

Love and light,

Pheobe

 

[ISupportHer]

First, as you know from reading here, it IS a very common stressor for carers. I know it is hard for you and that is must really scare you to see your fiance behave like this.

It really is hard for me to give "advice" because I feel like if I have not figured out everything myself. You know, if you live in a glass house, don't throw stones. But I wanted to share some thoughts and some of my experiences in case it is helpful in any way.

I will say this. I think is important to keep some contact. To reassure him that you love him. The trick is, in your panic, not to sound like you are forcing it, are out of control yourself and crying each time, etc. I am sure you have read the reasons NOT to. Calling or texting several times a day, etc.

All this is so hard to do. I could give you several names right now who have struggled with this recently, LOL.

The other thing is, frankly, sometimes I forget to ASK my wife what she wants me to do. I worry about how she will react, like playing a chess game and anticipating what the next several moves will be. That is not good either. So maybe just ask. He may or may not be able to tell you.

Some sufferers talk about dissociation. NOT the same for me, of course, but I have had to develop a way to suppress my feelings when I DO interact with her during the hard times. She clearly is affected by me if I reveal how I feel or lose control. I mean I am not saying you can't say how you feel but when my wife is struggling I have developed a way to suppress what I am feeling. I talk to her like nothing is wrong but sometimes am screaming inside. This has taken considerable time, however. Then I vent here.

I really try for nonverbal things to. I realize my situation is the same but sometimes, when I feel it is the right time, I just touch her on the shoulder, or the back of the hand as I walk by her. Occasionally really make that eye conatct and hold it for a few seconds when I tell her I love her just before going to sleep. Just little things like that.

There is a thread her also to post your feelings. A place to say to him that you love him and let it out. That can help, I feel.

Probably the most important thing for me has been the development of some close friends here, who I interact with on a more personal level. You say your fiance really does not have anyone he can talk to. What about YOU? If you do not, there are others here who feel as you do. For me, it kind of started with a few I chatted with on the forum chat. Or I have sensed some needed to talk and I PM'ed to reach out to them. Just a sense of who I feel I can trust and then I have developed those friendships.

I hope some of these things can help in some small way.

ISH

 

[anni]

Hi- I can only speak for myself, and what 'works' for me, but I know that when I'm just not reaching out to anyone and pretty much have shut myself off from the world it would help if someone sent in messages of love and support. In my fantasy world :) they would say 'Look, I know you can't quite bring yourself to get in touch but when you're up to it send me a text/email/passenger pigeon and I'll be here.' The longer I do not contact people the greater the anxiety and guilt and it just gets out of hand quickly.
It must be terribly hard for you on the 'outside' to deal with, and maybe it seems unfair that you're putting such a lot of effort into trying to maintain ties with someone who to all appearances seems like they don't wish for you to be around. You seem to be resolved to working towards a life with your fiancee- I just know that my husband's continual , non-judgemental, kind and strong presence has made a huge difference in our relationship over the years. I haven't shut him out in years now! Everyone is different, no doubt, but this is what 'worked' for me as a PTSD sufferer.
I've read many posts by carers here in the forum also. It seems to me this is a wonderful place to gain insight, strength and wisdom in your journey with a PTDS sufferer. It's really important to make sure you take care of yourself, also!
So take care,
Anni

 

[Pam]

Oh my. I have SO been there several times. Hardest thing I have ever been through. I wished I had known about this support source for carers during those times. It was trial and error for 4 years without any advice. When C locked himself away in his house, I made so many blunders and mistakes I lost count. And cried and screamed in private places. I kicked things. Slammed doors. Even accidentally knocked over a few things on his side of the bed nightstand that landed in the garbage (okay so it wasn't so much as an accident as an aimed brush into the garbage). Fishing helped but the worst times were during the winter. Each and every time it happened I thought I had lost him for good or that he would shoot himself in his home. And I often thought this was just too hard for me.

We finally have a routine that works. C tells me that he is going to stay home (his home). I know not to call, visit, or anything. Just keep myself as busy as I can. He has also told me that he will come out of it eventually, or not. So maybe it is that I have learned to just accept it and it has taken this long to get used to it and have it not be so scary. And maybe this is connected or not, but C has had fewer and fewer episodes of this. He even stayed with me once lately when he was going through a bad time. Anyway, I know exactly how you feel and my heart goes out to you. These times are never easy.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If it were me.....You talk to his mother everyday, so just let her know that you will be around, but not coming for the weekend, UNLESS he calls to invite you over. I am sure she will relay the message to him. Just give him the time that he needs....Let his mom know too that you send your love and support his way too........

 

[Clarity99]

Hi Pheobe,

Just wanted to say I completely understand what you are going through and I am sorry. My boyfriend has shut me out completely this last month (wow, has it only been one month?) and requested that I not contact him. I am new on the forum too but almost everyone has expressed that its best to give your loved one space and time. Hopefully he'll come around. Is he receiving treatment? I wish you the very best. Take care of yourself.

 

[Pheobe]

Thank you all for replying to my post. I think I shall e-mail him, and say that I will come down to see him him (giving a time) and that if he doesn't want to see me he can stay in his room, and I won't come looking for him. If he doesn't appear I'll probably go out for a cup of coffee with his mum. I shall make sure to tell him I love him, and I'm here for him when he feels able to see me.
Thank you all again.

 

[Nicolette]

At the end of the day Pheobe all you can do is learn as much as you can about PTSD, try and work on improving things with your boyfriend (like finding a word or something that he can use to help you know where he is at), and do what you think is best. Sometimes what works one bout of downturn will not work the next. Knowledge is the only thing which can help you through this bumpy ride.

 

[Nonie]

Hi Phoebe,

I'd say let it go for a while, and don't say anything. He knows you love him and care about him, and you showed that with the text messages you sent him recently. You reassured him that you love him and want to see him. Even though he doesn't acknowedge your text message with replies, he does read them, and he takes it all in.

My ex-bf is the same way...he reads the messages, and most of the time he doesn't reply. At first i would get really upset about it, but with time, i've learnt that there's really nothing i can do about it. Understand that you've done your part good and proper by showing him how much he means to you. Now just sit back for a little while, let things simmer down a bit, and let him regroup himself.

There were times when my ex wouldn't answer my texts for a week to two weeks, then all of a sudden i got a reply out of nowhere, saying things like "I miss you too" or "I'm thinking of you". It is confusing, sometimes hurtful, but the time apart and space apart will be good not just for him, but for you too. I'm sure he will contact you soon.