Should I Email My T?

[BoN-bOn]

Here's what I would want to say...because when I'm in her office with her all I seem to know how to do is shut down. I use humor (like always), or my mind simply disappears instead of feeling any emotions. I don't know how to break down these walls I've built to let her in, even though I really want to. Maybe this is what my email would say...I have such a hard time putting my thoughts into words lately.

I feel like one of the only things I've been able to maintain some control over my entire life is my own emotions. I can refrain from crying in front of others because as a child I was punished for it, so I learned how to stop tears even while I was being beaten. I learned how to stop anger, sadness, happiness, terror, excitement. I learned how to be whatever I needed to be for everyone else's comfort. I learned how to STOP feeling. In my abusive marriage, I continued to be punished for my feelings or thoughts, so the numbing continued. Now, at night...I feel. If I don't feel while I am awake, I feel in my nightmares or my dreams. Is it anger? Sadness? Pain? Despair? I don't even know. I just know that it's terribly uncomfortable and sometimes I'm afraid that if I allow it to come out, I won't be able to put it back.

 

[MisterCatLady]

It took me a really long time to open up in therapy. Don't beat yourself up. We're all pretty damaged and that means building walls.

 

[Missycat]

@BoN-bOn , send the email.
I too found it difficult to open up and actually still do sometimes. I have only ever cried once in therapy and it was only for a minute and then i clammed up and wanted to leave. I always use humour even if im hurting real bad and my T recognises this and knows how to help and support me.
I found it really useful to email her to tell her about my trauma as it was too painful to say initially and i also shared how i was feeling. This made it so much easier to then talk about it at my next session or if i couldnt speak my T knew what was going on in my head.
Dont be hard on yourself, if you feel you can send the email then at least your T will know how you feel inside.
All the best

 

[Muted]

I agree, it sounds like a part of you is in touch with how your feeling and that is a huge step. I would send it because otherwise I would maybe talk myself out of it and I think those are valuable insights that would be beneficial for her to hear in order to better help you. ( that is of course unless she has restrictions on when you can or cannot send emails)

 

[FauxLiz]

I second what @Missycat and @Gia1019 both said. I have really only been able to open up to my T through emails or other documents that I write and take to therapy. I keep thinking that one of these days I will be able to say those things out loud but honestly even after 2 1/2 years with this T that I truly trust the minute we start talking about what I call my issues and he calls traumas I zone out. Writing your T can be cathartic and help them understand what is happening on the inside when you can't express it on the outside.

 

[Arebas]

I also agree. Send that email. If you wait until you can put it in words all by yourself it's going to take such a long time... it will be very frustrating. It's better to just let her know and start working on getting it out. She can help you do that. I was made fun all the time when I expressed any emotion. I was not allowed to cry cause that was for babies. Not allowed to get angry cause it was rude. I couldn't be sad cause I made other sad with my sadness. All I could be was happy and supportive and carefree. I learned it so well that it's been three years since I started therapy and I still haven't been able to really cry with my T. I feel a tear falling sometimes but I'm often surprised that it happens. But I write about all I feel and then I show it to her and it's the only way I have to let her know how I feel. That's our work. Learning to allow myself to feel in front of others and to not be afraid of start crying and not being able to stop and to not be afraid of maybe losing control of my emotions and causing a scene.
I understand how you feel. It's hard but you can get over it if you dare to write and share it with her.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Thank you for your responses. I haven't sent it yet, but maybe when I have another bad night I will type some things out. I guess one of my biggest issues is that I don't know HOW to let anyone in. I feel like my pain should be hidden & no one should ever have to experience it with me. Like you, @Arebas all I know how to do is be happy and cheerful in front of others. It is frustrating because I really want to let someone in to help me. Maybe writing will be easier.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I think it's a great idea to send this to your T. There have been some particularly hard things I haven't been able to say out loud to my T in sessions, but I have found the courage to email him. He makes it a topic of conversation in our next session, but he already knows what's going on, so even if I fumble with my answers, he still has insight to offer.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Here's what I would want to say...because when I'm in her office with her all I seem to know how to do...

I myself would see nothing wrong with E-mails, depends on your therapist I guess. I myself have autistic tendencies which often only lets me express my real thoughts and feelings in writing. I could never voice all of that out, only to someone I would totally trust.....
Writing is a lot easier than using words for autistic people.

 

[NightSky]

Thank you for your responses. I haven't sent it yet, but maybe when I have another bad night I will typ...

This is me, exactly. And I have found emailing my T to be invaluable. It allows me to articulate things to her in the heat of the moment that I would never let on in her office. In her office I am always composed, always using a sense of humor, never finding a way to let that wall down. Her responses are usually short and take a long time to receive. Unless there's an urgent thing going on. But she always leads with the material from the email in our next session, meaning we go deeper quicker and I can't hide from hard stuff. It has helped tremendously in that I can write after a session and then she sees how much I'm not saying, and then she can see how much she needs to "push" me when I'm with her. I definitely recommend it. It is hard because I often have extreme anxiety going in after sending a vulnerable email. But even that causes growth/healing when you see that your T isn't upset or mad and can handle all of it.