Should I Make Emotional Demands On My Husband?

[Sandstone]

I'm very bad at asking for help, or even communicating I have any needs. My husband is incredibly bad at talking about anything, let alone "feelings". Generally I accept that he is like that, because I know that he loves me, and will do anything practical to help, uncomplainingly. If I found research to suggest painting the ceilings purple helped PTSD, they would all be painted by the end of the weekend.

I've been in a grim place for a couple of weeks, and have made two attempts to communicate it with him, both incredibly hard for me. It has been noticeable, as I've been pretty inert, unwashed and eating to excess. A few days ago I said " I've got no brain, everything I try is too hard to comprehend" He replied "You've got a better brain than me". I was upset by this, covered my face to avoid tears and said in a small voice "I hate it when I try to tell you something is wrong and you deny it" He said nothing, and didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening - about 3 hours. I eventually broke the silence with an innocuous comment about flowers.

Last night I didn't sleep till 3am, and my mind was running on suicide methods - the best state of the tide to go in to ensure death. I eventually got to sleep by using distraction, but woke my self shouting for help in a nightmare. This morning I looked wrecked, and he asked if I was still sleepy. When I told him, quietly and calmly, what my thoughts and dreams had been he said absolutely nothing, and went on eating his banana.

In the past I've said to him, " I'm about to tell you something, and when I've finished I need you to speak, even if just to say you heard me" That seems to be out of my reach now though.

Do I accept that it all has to stay in my head till I see my therapist, or should I push and make us both uncomfortable? It seems so cruel to hurt him twice , once by telling him how bad I feel and then again by saying he is failing at supporting me, when in fact he is carrying me in every practical way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do I accept that it all has to stay in my head till I see my therapist, or should I push and make us both uncomfortable?

Its not good to keep things in your head, ive found even if just waiting the week to see my therapist that that ends up leading to a bad place, for me.

But im also seeing that the only two people in my physical world dont quite 'get it' and have no clue how to help (though reading the PTSD sourcebook would be a great place to start) so maybe he doesnt know how to help?

Why not write your thoughts here, or your diary here, or write it down...anything to get it out of your head?

 

[Kintsugi]

I know that these situations can be painful. I am no stranger to feeling like I'm asking for support and getting either silence or perceived invalidation.

However, reading about your brain comment and his response, I can see as an outsider that he was probably being encouraging and complimentary, telling you he admires your intellect, rather than invalidation.

That said, I know how distorted things can be when we're ill. But if you look at it from that perspective, can you see why he decided to just shut up? After all, shutting up often feels like the only way to win when someone is hurting and you're afraid of making it worse.

Why is saying that you just need to be told you're being heard out of reach?

You end by saying that he is carrying you in every practical way. Sometimes I find the best way to get outside of my own head long enough for healthy interaction is to tell someone you crave the support of how you notice what they already do for you and appreciate their efforts to assist you through life.

I hope that's helpful. Hang in there, and know you can always come here for support when you feel unheard. :hug:

 

[Sandstone]

Why is saying that you just need to be told you're being heard out of reach?

I think it seems unreasonable to keep asking him to be something he isn't. If he could do it, he would. It also seems unreasonable for me to go on needing support.

However there is probably mileage in me telling him I appreciate all he does. I think I do that less than I should, because I don't want to draw attention to my inadequacy and vulnerability. Almost as if he might not have noticed that he has to earn the money, buy the food, cook the meals, clear up afterwards. If he does notice I fear he might be angry with me and my dependence. But then he would never comment on the days when I do manage to cook a meal.

@lostforgottensoul I do write out lots on here and elsewhere. But constantly asking and never giving here seems unreasonable too. Even diary posts feel like asking for something

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm going to be completely honest with you, Stenni. I think hearing it from a sufferer who has struggled with this same basic situation many times might help you hear it clearly. So, just try to read with an open mind.

I think you are way, way, way too inside your own head.

I think it seems unreasonable to keep asking him to be something he isn't. If he could do it, he would.

Come now. Every hearing (not Deaf) person is capable of listening to something and saying in response, "I hear you." It doesn't often occur to people, though, that that is what's needed and is enough. In fact, I'd say it almost never occurs to people who don't know what it's like to see through the distorted lens of depression. The only reason I developed a habit of saying that to people in strife was because I know how important it is for me to hear when I am really struggling and need validation and support.

It also seems unreasonable for me to go on needing support.

Emotional support is an ongoing need that everybody needs to some extent. Some of us just need a little extra pat on the back, because we beat ourselves up so badly it takes someone outside to give us a little soothing TLC.

However there is probably mileage in me telling him I appreciate all he does.

As a general rule, I find everyone likes to be praised. My T calls this sort of thing "relationship goodies," which is to say a positive response following some sort of relational effort.

I think I do that less than I should, because I don't want to draw attention to my inadequacy and vulnerability. Almost as if he might not have noticed that he has to earn the money, buy the food, cook the meals, clear up afterwards.

I totally understand this feeling. It's very much an ostrich mentality, and I have practiced it thoroughly. But it doesn't really work that way, and I think we all know it doesn't work that way deep down. Plus, who are you hiding from by avoiding this? Because I can tell you, I'm usually avoiding my own inner critic rather than those supporting me, and my inner critic is always more vicious than the people who love me. Sometimes taking a chance with supporters shines a light on the fact that your inner critic is disproportionately harsh.

If he does notice I fear he might be angry with me and my dependence.

I have this issue I'm really trying to work on. Someone told me that I have a version of them inside my head who is completely different from who they actually are, and I have conversations inside myself with that horrible caricature of them instead of just talking to the real them, which leads me to come to conclusions, develop fears, and behave in a way that is actually irrational and damaging. This person is right about me. I do this, and it is incredibly damaging, sometimes debilitating, and it hurts my relationship with that person. I wonder if maybe you're doing this, too.

But then he would never comment on the days when I do manage to cook a meal.

As an outsider, I have to wonder if he isn't worried about hurting your feelings by calling attention to your success and thereby accidentally inferring previous "failure." Does that make sense? Like if my friends and I went out, and one of my friend said, "I'm so proud that you ordered salad," I would immediately interpret that as, "Because you're usually such a fatass." Y'know? And it seems like you're in a really sensitive headspace, so, as I mentioned previously, maybe he thinks silence is the safest option.

@lostforgottensoul I do write out lots on here and elsewhere. But constantly asking and never giving here seems unreasonable too. Even diary posts feel like asking for something

Just remember that when we help each other, it helps us, too. Like, I feel like I'm giving a really reasonable, compassionate, but straightforward response here, and it's making me realize that I'm suffering from the same issues in my inability to reach out to my friend. I'm having conversations in my head with a distorted version of her, and it's impairing my ability to reach out to her, which is in turn further damaging our friendship, because I am resistant to just communicating openly with her. And... yeah. I feel like I gave myself advice in the process of trying to help you with your situation. :tup:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I do write out lots on here and elsewhere. But constantly asking and never giving here seems unreasonable too. Even diary posts feel like asking for something

Well then maybe thats a good place to start. You cant give something you dont yet have. Its ok to ask for something (like help), it may not feel ok but it is and i have rencently been doing things (good/better things) that dont feel right or feel like lies but i also recongize that im seeing things through a filter and maybe those without that filter or can see things from another perspective may just be correct.

That is also a very hard thing for me, asking for help or support, and not only is that hard enough, i also feel if i dont then return that support 10 fold then people will get upset. But that isnt correct and even if it is, i cant control what others feel.

I also love what simply said! Try if you can to think or see things different even if it feels wrong or a 'lie', my therapist has me doing that.

Also i would also maybe provide your husband with good PTSD information like the sourcebook i have (i can give you the link if you want) but it helps others to know how best to help/support and i just have a feeling that he is doing the best he knows but may not know what to do or say to best help/support. Just a thought! :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Emotional support is an ongoing need that everybody needs to some extent. Some of us just need a little extra pat on the back, because we beat ourselves up so badly it takes someone outside to give us a little soothing TLC.

Isnt that the truth!

Just remember that when we help each other, it helps us, too.

Totally! Usually when im giving advise to someone, im talking to myself to. So helping others here absolutly helps me too!

 

[Sandstone]

think you are way, way, way too inside your own head.

Inevitably, I don't speak to anyone else all week

every hearing (not Deaf) person is capable of listening to something and saying in response, "I hear you."

But that is the point, I really believe that is not who he is. When we first met, he was quite open, but EVERYONE he knew asked me "What have you done to XX, he never talks?" Over the first year he gradually tailed back off to saying little, and nothing about anything internal.
A parallel illustration - if he has done something that legitimately upsets me, and I explain it I do know that if he thinks he has actually been wrong, he will never, ever apologise - that is outside his capabilities. But he will change his actions, so I judge by how he lives, not by what he does or doesn't say.

I've said to him in the past that I need him to reply, he doesn't, so either he doesn't think he should have to, or he genuinely can't manage it

 

[The Albatross]

"... there is probably mileage in me telling him I appreciate all he does" Good thought!

 

[Sandstone]

maybe provide your husband with good PTSD information like the sourcebook

He has read several leaflets and one whole book on it - a big thing for him as he is dyslexic. I suppose it is possible that he wasn't able to take in so much of the information because of that, but I have also tried to explain when I'm in a good state.

 

[Sandstone]

"... there is probably mileage in me telling him I appreciate all he does" Good thought!

And in fact I've just done so.( He didn't answer(

 

[The Albatross]

My spouse actually has a reading disability as well... not dyslexia but he sees the word properly but can't "think" or say it properly. It does affect his comprehension. There is a name for it but I don't recall what it is. For a long while we took turns reading in the evenings before bed time. It improved some as he read out loud though not as easy when fatigued... and it was a joint activity that put us on the same page?