Should I Share Abuse Details With My Special Someone???

[Lionheart]

My special someone and I have just been reunited thru emails and phone calls after many years apart. We have been writing one another several times per day and talking on the phone for a solid month.

Although she knows a little bit about the abuse I suffered, she doesn't know details of what was done to me and how it affected me and I don't know if I should tell her those details next month when I see her face to face.

So far, she knows that I was abused but I don't think she knows the severity of it.

She has been supportive in the past and very understanding and compassionate! She is a very giving and loving person but she is also dealing with the tragic loss of someone close to her from two years ago and I don't want to add to that in any way.

I also have to go slow with building trust between us because although we have trust between us now, she is hesitant to get "involved" and I don't want to push her away!!!

Would it be appropriate for me to share details of the abuse I suffered with her, next month?

Thank you for your replies in advance.

Sincerely,
Lionheart777

 

[CaitMiller]

I will pray for her finding peace with this loss. I definitely think it's a good idea to share this with her but not until you feel COMPLETELY secure in your relationship with her. When you feel like you two are a definite item then I would tell her. I didn't tell my husband until we were married for a while and now that I may be divorcing him I regret showing such a vulnerable side of myself. I would just save that for a time you both feel most comfortable discussing such situations. So happy you two have rekindled that once lit flame! :) Congrats

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think we should ever share details. I mean it could really hurt the other person. Does someone ever really need to know all those details? I say this as someone who has done some processing so my definition of "details" really means DETAILS! (Do you know what I mean?)

Can you clarify what kind of details you want to share?

I also think that you should hold back. I know you knew this woman many years ago but you're still running off of what you knew of her and not what you know of her. I'm not trying to discount your relationship in any way, rather I say this as someone who reconnected with people from my past----and we got along quite well until we actually met in person and realized that a lot of what was between us was merely holding on to remnants of the past. (It's common---very common----when reconnecting with old friends/flames.)

By telling all of this stuff so soon it may set a tone (unwanted tone) for the rest of your relationship.

I know you want to be close to her, but I feel that many of us survivors feel we must spill the beans in order to increase the intimacy level and get closer to those we care about. I think slow and steady wins the race. Good luck!

 

[Lionheart]

I am sure slow and easy will win the race and I think I will share with her only what I have to or what she asks about. I don't want to make her uncomfortable with too many details.

I was just thinking of sharing the one thing that causes me to feel ashamed of my body because if we ever become more intimate physically, she is going to wonder why I am so afraid and modest.

I can't discuss it here because it is too intimate of a detail and I would not share the information with anyone other than a very special significant other but, part of the reason is that my body is scarred and blemished really badly. It has to do with things that were done to me and lies that were told to me and of course, traumatic memories.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I will take it all under consideration!!!

 

[Ivi]

I think you should share but only if you feel you must and she's willing to listen and you and her are both comfortable. These details will be upsetting for both of you. I'm not willing to give my boyfriend any details because I'm certain he doesn't need to feel that pain. But sometimes it's better to take away that sense of unknown rather than letting her imagination run wild.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that you should judge things as they go. If things are headed in an intimate direction then it would be an appropriate time to share that information with her. I think if it's something that would affect your intimacy level then it's good to share with your partner so that they understand.

 

[Zanshin]

First and most important - I wish you the best and hope you find happiness.

I'd only share what is absolutely needed at the time to keep your mind calm and to not overwhelm her. If the physical concern needs to be shared as you feel that may bother her (or you, for fear of how she'll be looking at you), even that can be shared without full detail - "Before we get more intimate, I'd like you to be aware that XYZ may look different than you're expecting due to things that have happened to me. I'm not comfortable fully sharing more yet..." Dim lights, etc if it helps you as well.

I agree with some of the previous answers - I don't want everyone I know to share my pain by giving every sordid detail. I've told enough stories of things that were lesser harm to me and watched others react with shock.... I can't imagine how they'd be with the worst of it, or how it would color their way of interacting with me.

Be gentle to yourself, take care.

 

[Lionheart]

@Zanshin thank you for your kind words!!!

She has been nothing but kind to me, considerate, compassionate, and caring, both in the past and the present.

I think if we go slow everything will be alright, I am salvageable...my skin needs some cosmetic help and I need a little TLC, but I think all will be okay. I think with the right person I could reduce these scars and blemishes and calm my fears and I think that she is that right person.

It may not be so anxiety provoking once we are more relaxed and actually in one another's presence.

I think dim lighting / a small candle would be nice.

 

[Zanshin]

@Lionheart777 with the right person, those scars - or the unseen ones - won't be as huge as they feel to you because it's about your heart and soul more than your skin. Here's hoping for positive updates and peace. :)

 

[Lionheart]

it's about your heart and soul more than your skin.

Yes, you are right and I am so grateful for the reminder, thank you a million times over!!!