Should I Stop Making A Fuss And Get On With It?

[Sandstone]

After 13 years of childhood abuse and later a violent assault by two attackers I've had several attempts at finding effective therapy.


A year ago a difficult gynae procedure left me feeling assaulted, and unable to face people at all. Initially I tried going to work, but was told I looked as though I was about to faint when anyone spoke. I ended up off work for four months and lost a promotion to a job that been created for me. But I did get a workplace referral to a Psychologist who diagnosed CPTSD (yes, I know it doesn't officially exist, but it does describe with great precision where I am). Finding this forum at that point felt like coming home - there are so many people here putting into words the feelings that have haunted me and held me back for 45 years. I may still be an abnormal freak, but there are lots of other freaks out there too.
Psychologist wanted to use EMDR, but said I was too unstable to risk it at the time. My GP prescribed Mirtazipine, but I experienced extreme side effects and was told it would be unsafe to take any more or any other drugs. So I was left to work out a soothing programme aiming for a state where therapy would be safe. I combined reflexology, lots of hard physical work (digging the allotment), essential oils and humorous books, together with lots of reality TV to numb my brain.


Eventually the first go at EMDR was quite successful, but as soon as we went anywhere near the serious stuff I either fell apart or took rigid control of my thoughts. So I added EMDR to the list of things I fail at. After that, everything we tried simply re-emphasised what a waste of space I was, and often left me off sick and cocooned with the TV.
A particularly bad phase took me back to the GP to look for a way to resist the urge to hide in small spaces and self harm. I've now had an initial assessment with the Mental Health Service. GP hoped this would lead to a Psychiatrist referral, aiming for a review of any alternative safe drugs. Instead I'm on a waiting list for a therapist. The Psychologist has ended our sessions, with a one year review planned, as I can't be under two services at once.


I’m still grappling with self hatred, despair, panic, anxiety and the urge towards suicide and self harm. But by cutting out every other aspect of my life I can keep going to work and present a reasonable facsimile of myself. I still get odd days when that’s too much and I have to walk out. Fortunately my boss is remarkably understanding – she even went on a course to understand better how to manage staff with Mental Health problems. It’s essential that I stay in work as my husband’s health is likely to force him to retire.

After the failure of the EMDR I feel as though I was offered a huge gift and had it snatched away. Finally there was something that made sense and offered a way out and ahead. Now I wonder if I should just accept that this is how my life is, and get on with it? Would it be safer to try to bury it all again and just keep on keeping on?

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Stenni... I got multiple traumas too. I been trying to find this ambiguous thing I call "my highest functioning level" and then I can do the acceptance work. I've been progressing... slowly, very slowly for a decade, and I don't know where that is yet. Hope you find answers here from the experiences of others. For myself burying it wasn't an option because it comes out to play in my sleep time.

 

[m3s4]

There are no abnormal freaks, just abnormal events that can, if allowed, solidify a persons life, perception of life and quality of life as abnormal.

I'm beginning to realize how important perception is; of my condition, of my thoughts and of my Ptsd. If we want to perceive our disorders as shackles and chains that bind us, inevitably they will hold us back and we will be our own worst enemies.

However, if we can accept that situations in life have changed us in ways that very few can understand, and we can continue to push forward and perceive our lives as changed, not abnormal, then we can manifest that change into something powerful and good.

 

[Sandstone]

Thank you all for replying - I was so afraid no-one would want to talk to me

Albatross - what helps you achieve a level where you can do the work safely?
I'm sorry your sleep time is affected. Once I'm actually asleep I'm usually OK, apart from a few truly terrifying nightmares. Getting to sleep and staying asleep are both challenges though.

m3s4 - it's continuing to push forward thats is beyond me at the moment. I admire you for having the stregth to do it. "Abnormal freak" is a phrase that came out of one of the failed attmpts at therapy. I was supposed to be identifying the false messages from inside my head, the touble being that as soon as I listened to them I agreed wholeheartedly. So "failure", "incompetent", "freak", "coward", "drama queen" and all the rest are now crystalised as self definitions.
Which is why I wonder if anysort of therapy will do more harm than good, and it might be better to go back to my old coping mechanisms, which were roughly "work incredibly hard, never doanything unles you can excel at it, switch your brain of fwith reading and study, and when all else fails pick a fight"

 

[Lionheart]

Stenni,

Hi and welcome to the forum. :) I too have had multiple traumas. What has worked for me is therapy and medication management. It took awhile for me to be able to use the coping tools that I developed in therapy and so progress was very slow at first, but today my whole life has changed. I am disabled with PTSD and have been in therapy for about 12 years, but during this time all of my PTSD symptoms have decreased in frequency and intensity. I have overcome alcoholism, addiction, low-self esteem, and the urges to cut and self -harm have dissapeared as well. I no longer identify myself with the same negative names that I once called myself due to the self-labeling process.

Today I have validation, encouragement, and support from family, friends, my T, my Pdoc, and all of the wonderful people here at the forum!! My life is not perfect; I have several chronic illnesses that cause me not to be able to work, but my general quality of life has improved and I would recommend a new Therapist and Pdoc. For me, it was a a matter of life and death to go to therapy and I am glad I did. I hope you will have better luck in the future with whatever measures you choose to go with.

 

[The Albatross]

Stenni... Like Lionheart, I had do deal with overcoming alcoholism, that led me to 12 step and then reframing my idea of faith... I lead a life based on spiritual principles and found a church. I did a "safe people study" (google Safe People the authors are Henry Cloud and John Townsend), because I found that we in my family did not have boundaries... I was attracting more of exactly what I didn't want. I began to set boundaries with my spouse and families. I stayed for AA in 3 years, then a Christian Recovery group for 2 1/2 - I learned the benefit of being of good use to others... and did volunteer positions. I became a member of a Rational Recovery website via an article I found on Low Frustration Tolerance and began to learn tools CBT and REBT tools to examine my thinking. Went to therapy for ADD/ADHD and tested normal within 2 years but was still struggling. Eventually I met someone there who was able to put a name on what I was experiencing... I was disassociating but didn't know it. I accepted the label of "co-occuring behaviors", but didn't get a PTSD diagnosis til last year. Up to that point, I knew something was "wrong" but didn't know what it was... other than "situational depression". I came here last October and have been doing a trauma diary and until recently Therapy.

I did other methods... massage, accupressure, chiropractic, cranio-sacral, rolfing, essential oils, detoxes, exercise, learned breathwork and stress reductions... also visualizations. I had a life coach for a time that was very helpful, he was a Christian who practiced Huna healing. I did, for a year during the worst of the suicidal ideation, do a medicine, but now am med free and coping reasonably well. I work part time and do not have a full time job, but that is one of my goals.

So as you can see... I've run a pretty wide scope to get to where I am now. But the most beneficial thing I learned was the 4 P's... patience, persistance, practice, perserverence (5, if you are inclined to add prayer)... and triangluating recovery by doing or attempting to do three things every day: Something for the body, something for the mind, something for the spirit. I got better and more progress when I cultivated life affirming, self caring habits.

There is no one definnitive way to get to where you want to go... many ways to get there. Get to know people here, and you're here, you're looking to improve... that's a big step in the right direction.