Should I?

[shimmerz]

I know. I can tell that about you. Okay, so I hope you get sleep. Keep in touch if you can. I will be thinking of you. You did a great job today.

 

[desiderata310]

Went to the doc's office. Yes, he still triggers the f*ck out of me. I was bawling the whole time I was there. He wanted me to up the dose as well. I kept telling him that I wasn't sleeping on it. That I was having dark thoughts. I stopped short of telling him I was suicidal. Told him I just want to sleep and NOT dream. He said that most all of the meds have the side effect of possibly causing vivid dreams.
He finally relented and gave me a 7 day perscription of Lorazepam. 1mg. heh. Probably not enough to do ANY THING but at least I'm not going to be taking 4-6 of the Trazodone.

I FEEL like I could hurl myself off a cliff right now and never think twice about it

I am so angry and ashamed and depressed and suicidal.

especially the suicidal. Oh dear GOD I want to die.
I promised and now I feel trapped.
I've taken the Lorazepam and I'm hoping it kicks in quick.
I really f*cking hate myself.

 

[Friday]

You promised, and you are a woman of your word. You value promises. You're not trapped... You've chosen to stand and fight for 72 hours. That's brave. And free.

Trapped is having to do something.

Free is wanting to, but not having to.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's brave to keep your promises. I think it's great your T trusts you & knows you.

It's like being flooded, these times. Hold fast. :hug:

 

[Trace911]

I want to join this conversation- but I want to honor whatever you need @desiderata310. I have been exactly where you are, and not that long ago. But you don't know me, or have reason to trust me, and I don't want to intrude in the rapport you've develop in this thread....

 

[desiderata310]

Just say what you have to say @Trace911

 

[Trace911]

Ok-first off, I think taking more trazodone is not a good idea. When your body isn't excepting trazodone for sleep the way it was intended, it can actually disrupt your sleep more than it can help. I also have extreme issues with sleep deprivation from time to time, and the more tired I get the more I just want to give up. There are a few tricks I've learned to give me just a few hours sleep so that I can think more clearly. I also want you to know that you are not alone in the feelings that you're having right now. But don't give up because even a little bit of rest will help you see things a little different, and give you the breathing room you so desperately need.

 

[desiderata310]

Not really up to typing.
Made it through the night. 11 hours of sleep. Upon waking I started crying. Not exactly sure why. Then my therapist called to see if I had slept. When I told him his response was
"Pweh! just glad you slept!! One in a row!"
"You SO needed it , Des"

The sleep did help. short cutting session shut down the crying for a bit. I've tried to go back to sleep but that not how my body works.

I'll try to go run. Maybe I can get that 16 miler in that I am supposed to do this week
TRYING not to think about suicide doesn't work. So maybe I'll just plan on cutting again later to make it through the weekend.
24 hours down.

 

[Trace911]

it took me a long time to find something to let me sleep even a little

 

[desiderata310]

@Trace911 no more Tazodone.
Not sure if I care what my therapist thinks about that. All I know is that my sleep was MORE broken and the world just got a lot darker while I was on it. I don't know if it was the Trazodone or not.
I don't know that the stuff I am on now is going to work long term but it afforded me a peaceful night. Hell my bed is still put together .

 

[Trace911]

I know that you don't know me, but in reading your posts, it's like looking in a mirror for me.

 

[Trace911]

I'm really happy to hear that you got some rest! Cutting isn't the answer to the pain, even if it feels like a release. Your heart knows that cutting is self harm, and anything that is self harming holds us in a place of despair. Tears are good, even when overwhelming- those tears are what your heart needs to wash out some of the pain.