General Should one educate other people on ptsd etiquette?

[Never_falter2]

So when I mentioned my husband has health problems, people often ask what kind of problems and when I say ptsd they ask what caused it.
Do you think I should educate them that some people do not like this question? This is a very similar topic to what @Sighs has discussed just it is not about people asking for specific details but people just asking for the general cause (such as military, csa or whatever) and I think that this is still pretty private and none of their business. Do you think one should tell them in a polite way that there are some people who will feel hurt by the question.

 

[Justmehere]

So when I mentioned my husband has health problems, people often ask what kind of problems and when I say ptsd they ask what caused it.

Why are you telling others about his mental health diagnosis? Are you seeking support for you in supporting him?

Outside of that situation, I’d head the whole problem off and just say “it’s private.”

Because it is private.

And by doing that, you educate them that it’s private.

Trying to educate people that the question is hurtful - it isn’t hurtful to everyone. Some people find it helpful when mental health and trauma isn’t taboo to speak about. It’s generally asked just a question meant to better understand, not harm. There is no cause for sufferers or supporters to get defensive or feel hurt, but rather keep whatever boundaries they need in the topic.

Now if others continue to ask and try to push over the boundary, that’s a different situation.

 

[Dergrosse]

When people hear that I have ptsd that question often comes up. My responses range from "I'd rather not talk about it" to "believe me you don't want to hear the details"

I find I have way too many rules for dealing with me and it wouldn't be reasonable to educate others about all of them. A simple "Its not my place to say and he really doesn't like talking about it" should be sufficient. I love that you take a defensive role for those that suffer, to me getting into detail about how some would get offended by the question would make us look even more fragile than I feel we already appear.

 

[Freida]

I dont tell anyone I have ptsd - and if hubby wants to stay married he doesn't either. Yes - I know that's an extreme reaction LOL I'm working on it! :):)

I tell people SD is an alert dog - he alerts me to when I need medications or rest. Which is technically true. I just don't say the cause. If I want to give more info I will kind of chuckle and tell them that "my military career didn't go quite as planned and I got banged up and now I'm working on getting better." I've found most people won't ask follow up questions after that because they will go with whatever preconceived notions about what life in the military means.

Educating people is a wonderful idea - and someday I may be able to get there. But for now it's not possible. I would suggest asking him what he wants to ask you to say. That way he knows what people have been told and he doesn't get surprised if they ask him follow up questions two or three weeks later when he runs into them. Find a story that makes you both comfortable and stick with it.

 

[Neverthesame]

I think it would depend on the person, time and place.
There are people I don't mind giving some details to. Others, nope.

When people are respectful and are wanting to learn something, instead of just "Ooh & ahh" at the entertaining spectacle of human misery, depravity violence and death. I can generally look past the rudeness of such requests.

I've given up trying to explain why it's inappropriate to ask people things like that.
I'd use an analogy such as...

"Asking people to describe the horrible things they've seen as a form of after dinner conversation, is considered rude."

Why?

"Think of it this way. Would you approach a parent of a child who drowned. Then start asking if it's true that they turn blue? Or if they soiled themselves?
Or was there really only an inch of water at the bottom of the bucket they drowned in?"
"Of course not."
"Just because it was my job, that doesn't make it okay to ask about it."
Some people still don't get it, even after this.

The other thing I sometimes do, is tell a funny story, or tidbit of interesting and hopefully nauseating (for them) medical conditions that aren't common knowledge. Fecal vomiting is my go to factoid. And yes, it's exactly what it sounds like.
Most people stop asking rude questions after that. Or at least put a little more thought into what they want to hear.

Here's a link to a blog post I read years ago that sums it up pretty well.
Fair warning: There are no graphic images, but the writer goes into a lot of detail. It's not an easy thing to read, but relevant.
Link

 

[Snowflakes]

Do you think I should educate them that some people do not like this question?

I’m not a professional so it’s not my job to educate others about PTSD. I share my story here as a supporter because I need help coping but in real life I tend to keep to myself.

Do you think one should tell them in a polite way that there are some people who will feel hurt by the question.

There are a few people who know of my spouse’s PTSD because she has told them. If they ask me about her illness in general, I tell them that I don’t know and they need to ask her. They usually catch my drift. Again, I tend to keep to myself.

 

[CopperDeer]

I'm not open about it, so I don't feel the need to educate anyone. Some people are just busybodies and you can't always tell right away, so I just politely decline.

My partner doesn't disclose my trauma and I've overheard him say things like "It's private" or "That's not something you need to know". On the other hand, he'll disclose his trauma when asked.

Sometimes it's just not someone's place, even if they're simply curious. The education comes from being corrected in that way. If they really are curious about the causes of PTSD they can do their own research.

 

[zombycat]

I appreciate that you're really trying to do what's best for your spouse here. We all need supporters like you whether we have PTSD or not. I think there is a huge difference between invading your husband's privacy with 'all the gory details' and educating the people you choose to tell on the best ways to be supportive and helpful to him.

I also hope that you're not overlooking your biggest resource in how to handle this properly- your own husband. He will know better than anyone what he is comfortable having shared and who it should be shared with.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If they're rude enough to ask, then it isn't rude to tell them it isn't any of their business.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the bigger problem is that you have an inability to say “no” to rude questions and feel that you have to answer them in order to make everyone else happy. You take on other peoples feelings and feel responsible for their emotional well being, to the point where you are willing to sell out the privacy and well being of your very own partner.

 

[Dergrosse]

I think the bigger problem is that you have an inability to say “no” to rude questions and fe...

I feel like we read completely different posts. The original poster didn't say they tell the people what the cause is at all, they are simply asking whether they should mention that some people find that question offensive. Everyone is different I have ptsd and don't care who knows and if they know the general reasoning for it. I'm open about it and discuss the importance of protecting our children so others don't suffer the same fate. We don't know their partners feelings on the topic and how private they like to keep it.

 

[Never_falter2]

First of all I do not tell whole the world my husband has ptsd, very few people know, especially of those who know us. I‘d rather tell a total stranger I just met on the train, for example if we do small talk and they tell me there is a specific event, for example when I had been chatting with a few people for a while, I had beeen telling them about a hobby of ours and they implied in this case we must visit a certain even near us, my guy would never go it would stress him too much, but they kept saying if we did not go we must go next time, meet them there. They were a bunch of Chads ans Stacey’s and ment no harm. Then I told them my guy was afraid of crowds and one asked if he was a vet. I have no idea how she figured cause I really think vets aren’t the only ones. I told her thatcher had ptsd from an accident (he is a vet, but I did not tell her) and it had the same symptoms and that this kind of symptoms run in his family... which is not true but I wanted to turn their minds away from the idea he was a vet.

May be I should have been a bit more specific. What currently happened: A woman I met online has anxiety which makes her afraid to go places, much like my vet. But she does not have ptsd just anxiety. So I basically gave her tipps like see a professional who can help her. Then she asked me about the cause of my vet’s ptsd and I tiled her he was a vet. I am sure he would not have minded. I actually did not tell him, because at this board we often gossip about our husbands (not related to ptsd)... but I am sure he would not have minded because I do not know her personally. She does not know my name and so on.
However I felt uncomfortable telling her for a number of reasons. One is that we are not supposed to tell anybody our husbands served because of safety reasons. The second is that I think this question is one a ptsd sufferer might hate and if she asked a ptsd sufferer the same he or she might be hurt.

There is also other examples, eg sometimes when I tell people my husband cannot do something because of health reasons the want to know which health reasons, sometimes I tell them he has a anxiety desease (ptsd is an anxiety desease after all), sometimes I tell them ptsd. They sometimes ask what is the cause. Most of the times I tell them it is from an accident. We are not supposed to tell random strangers our hubby is a vet in our country.

I wonder if I should tell them that it is a bad question because sufferers do not like it. I could tell them that for some people it is really stressful to talk about the cause of their trauma or that of a loved one. I might add that it’s never good to ask for the cause of ptsd for another reason. It might led some spouses to publicly admitting that their husband is a vet on a train full of strangers which might put them into danger... but if I say this they might figure hubby is a vet because otherwise I would not think about this. How do you think?

Was this too specific and long now? I always wonder how long is okay for persons still to read it so I try to keep my posts short but then some info might be missing.