Should the Person(s) Who Traumatized You Be Punished for What They Did?

[shiraz]

In my case, I know the person who abused me is in torment ... he just happens to deny the abuse, but I see his torment in his body which is slowly deteriorating. I see his face sometimes, twisted in torment and his shoulders look as if they carry a heavy burden. For me, that is enough, he bears the consequences of his actions. That is how I feel right now ...

However, I have this feeling that once my anger breaks free, I will see it differently. I have had a problem feeling anger until recently ... but that is changing, I get moments of such intense anger now, it is all I can do not to throw something across the room .. my therapist says, throw it! break things and get the anger out ... I'm working on that, but it passes so quickly, one minute I'm ready to smash something, the next, it's completely gone. It can be quite funny actually, like getting ready to destroy the planet and then a switch is flipped and I'm left standing there .. finger poised over the 'destuct' button .... wondering 'what the heck was that' .... feeling stupid.

I do have this wonderful image of me punching my abuser in the face ... I think I really want that opportunity, just once .... BHAM ... and it's over ... it seems that that would make me endlessly happy.

 

[Sybil]

In my case it was my father, but he is not my biological father. I found out when I was 18 that I was 6 month old when they got married. She won't tell anyone who it was. This compounds everything for me.

Yes, I want him punished, but he is dead. When he was dying (cancer), seveal people told me that he was asking for me, I wouldn't go.

If I had gone, I can see only two outcomes.

1. He still would have denied it, and the whole family would go through that again.

2. He would have admitted it, in which case, I'm supposed to say "That's alright", well, it's not alright!

I couldn't make everyone understand that I wasn't going to go. I finally said "No one told me what kind of cancer he has, testicular, I hope", That got my message accross.

 

[redtriskell]

Most of you are obviously more enlightened than I am

If I could hire a necromancer to raise my father from the dead, I would just so I could kill him myself. Instant therapy from my point of view. Also, truth be told, I wouldn't vomit on my mother to put her out if I found her burning in the street. I might, however, fetch a bag of marshmallows and a stick. Instead, however, I read Andrew Vachss' Burke novels. Burke is a criminal, but I love him. He allows me the vicarious pleasure of revenge. I (obviously) do not think revenge is a bad thing. I also find forgiveness overrated. I have moved forward in my life without forgiving. My job isn't to absolve my parents of their crimes, committed with a right good will, against me. My job is to be better than either of them was capable of. And I am. I enjoy my vengeful thoughts; I will be happier when my mother dies. But I don't act on those feelings. My parents did. And therein lies all the difference. Great thread, Void. Thanks for your nerve. red

 

[cyndi]

Tried the forgiveness thing. At times, I catch a glimpe of it again, but it is something I have to actively work at, and frankly, I have enough to actively work at. Let Jesus forgive them: he's a bigger man than I. As I learn and see the exponential damage from the abuses I faced, how can I possibly NOT be angry all over again? How can I look back on how much I've spent on therapy, medications and wonder how much I'll spend in the future as the price for the degree of therapy I need to work through it all seems to grow exponentially as well? Yes, I believe they should be punished. I believe it should be in a way to benefit society and the victim however, not just sucking up taxpayer money that could be put into mental health instead of political power hungry wars and prisons (not that Bush would put a penny toward mental health-he only takes from it)
I want financial help from my abusers! I want them to be required to really get the help they need to not be a threat on society. I went down the road of feeling sorry for other abused people, felt a kindred spirit, an understanding-but guess what-generally if you're not the victim after abuse, you're the abuser....thus abusive relationships later and trying to unlearn being a victim....I'm so controlled I can't express anger.

 

[void]

:thumbs-up That's the spirit people!!!!!!:thumbs-up

Get it all out! Call it like you see it.

Should they be forgiven or cursed?
Do they deserve prison or treatment?
Did they ruin your life?
Did they make you a stronger person?

AND what about the people who sat by and didn't stop them and never said anything?
Boy, that can be a sore spot!!

So sound off and keep those responses coming:smile:

May healing and peace be in your future:smile:

Void

 

[DLadi]

Yes, I think that people who violate others, whether it is physical or emotional, should be punished. I also think that it comes around in the end. I was sexually abused by two father figures as a young child. My mother found out about the first (my younger sister's father) and kept me away from him as I was only 6 yrs old. The second was my mother's bf and the father of my youngest sister. This was when I was 10-12 yrs old and it ended upon his death. He died of a brain anuerism (sp?) while he was scuba diving alone. The other died in his car on the way to work- heart attack- alone. These men were sick and very dark inside. If I worried about whether they were punished, it would feel the anger and hate inside of me making me feel worse and damaging my psyche. Self preservation kept me from hating throughout my young adulthood and into my marraige. My lack of clear memories guarded me until I was in my early 30's and remembered the full extent- something triggered it. I was lucky to have boys- if I had girls I would have been an overpowering overprotective wreck of a mother. As it is I was the mom who explained the word no to my boys more than a few times.
Back to the question- Should they be punished? Absolutely!

 

[DLadi]

I should clarify that I am not a PTSD sufferer even though I was abused as a child until I was 12. Maybe the sudden death of my abuser had something to do with my dealing with the abuse and feeling free and safe at that point. That was the first time that I felt that a person gets what they give. He was a father figure for a number of years yet when I heard that he was gone, I cried for about 10 minutes and I was over it. That tells me a lot as I am one of those people who would cry at a sad commercial! gigglin

 

[void]

Hmmm :think: I wonder if I'll feel differently when my parents are eventually deceased? I don't know. Something to ponder:think:

Void

 

[cyndi]

((Void))
My Dad passed away less than a year ago. You asked if you'll feel differently when they pass...It changes sooo much when a parent passes away. My Dad was not the worst abuse I had, but he set the stage for it with verbal abuse, intimidation, some physical and no platform allowed to express myself, could never do things to his approval. It was both very hard and freeing all at the same time when he passed. Upon going through his house to sell, I found journals talking about how much he loved me and how proud of me he was. This was very hard to see after the fact, when I never felt loved or that he was proud of me in my life. We never got to have that relationship while he was alive but I didn'r realize how much I needed to hear that for my own fulfillment. I realized how much of my life I'd been living to try to get my parents' approval up to that point. I was freed from that, but having an open agenda ahead of you thinking of it in terms of what you want for a change can be very scary and overwhelming as well as exciting. I am writing the new book that is me now, trying on new hats so to speak. The crying part I expected, the other I did not. Hope this answers your question in a way.

 

[Lion]

For years I wanted to get revenge for the abuse and emotional trauma I went through, but in the end I guess I did as he is gone and I am still here.

 

[void]

:hello:It is a shame Cyndi that your father's approval of you wasn't know to you while he was alive. It make me feel sad to hear of that fact.

Lion, you have an interesting perspective on this issue. The fact that you survived and that he is not alive feels like you have had your revenge. I would not say I really "get " that but I sure like to hear a different perspective.:smile:

Dladi, I am glad you have some feelings of safety and that you don't feel hate and I am glad to hear from you:smile:

Redtriskell, Necromancy:rofl:LOVE IT!!! I love a person who doesn't censor them selves. As they say" Revenge is a dish best served--cold"
I have no doubt that you are a much better person than either of your parents and thank you for your response.

Keep your responses coming!!
Void:smile:

 

[lrs]

For me, it puts me in a very unpleasant state of mind to wish harm on someone. So I try to accept what happened, realize that was part of my story, and just let it go.
Ultimately we are only on this earth a short time. All we really have are our family, and friends, and today.
I do not want anything to mess up this day. Wishing harm or revenge on someone makes today a bitter experience. That is not how I want to spend this day.