goingonhope
VIP Member
In thinking back to my Dad, I've missed him lately. Just the other day, I thought about him and was missing him. He was however, extremely difficult to befriend, as from my many experiences and observation, he hid his hurts, fears and emotions behind non-stop talk, making jokes and his expressed excitement of riling up the spirits of his acquaintances and friends. ...all in the later yrs. in which I got to know him.
He seldom if ever paused between 'vomiting-out' sentences. Even when he wasn't ranting and simply speaking, there again, where was the pause, so that another might speak. This may've improved with others, but to a very small degree with me. And, since I was and can still be a very alert, attentive listener, eye-contact and all, (though I again here need some improvements), I didn't miss a beat, and I absorbed it all. ....so much of absorbing his every-day rants while traveling and stuck in an automobile with him, it almost looked inviting to open up the passenger side door and jump-out. ....nevermind we were traveling highway and such a choose wasn't really what I wanted. Just felt so suffocated, couldn't even breath. Practically wasn't allowed to even speak, and it didn't matter whether or not I did, he barely heard a word I said. He wasn't present in his whole self, he was wrapped up tight in his yrs. of avoidance and unspoken real hurts and distress, locked into his reactive mind.
A good many a time, I'd arrive home and collapse into a despair. I remember the time I literally crawled up those stairs to my room and then relived flashbacks from many yrs. prior, of his enormous hand over my mouth. My feelings of helplessness, powerlessnes and hopelessness of him ever really seeing and reaching me were torment.
I could reach the surface of him, and while witnessing his dying and death, was extremely fortunate to have been able to reach the little boy inside of him, but what on earth had become of the man he sometimes could be? My father, where was he to be found. For a brief period, I must admit I did find him in short-intervals, after his initial diagnosis of cancer, but then I lost him to an addict (supposedly clean) woman who conned him (to the tune of 1000's of dollars of credit card debt) and betrayed him in the months following his cancer diagnosis.
I remember his sorrow, feelings of betrayal and shame he expressed when that woman walked into his hospital room as he lay there dying. She said hi ****, and he just knew the real-deal, he looked away from her and refused to say a single word. This was very different then his approach to me then and others, it was her and chiefly her that gave him such disgust as a going away present.
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........I've included here: some brief words for my dad.
I miss you Dad, and have missed You far to much, and though you're elsewhere now, and though I now feel safe and protected from you, you didn't deserve her deceit. I hated to see you leave, and so soon, and all over again. However, you'd done one hell'a'va great job in putting down that uncontrollable drink and with it: (some of your most severe mental derangement), ........you were truly healing and growing, with so much it was going to take more time, likely professional help, and the love of me and others, but you died sober. Very distressed, but sober. The narcotics that the doctors gave you for your rapidly spreading cancer, did not steal your sobriety, as you were so convinced it would, nor did it steal from you, your developing connection with your higher power. I'm sorry you too fought those outside influences, and that imposed lie and shame of arriving at a place that you had little to no choose but to take your prescribed medicine. And, I remember you took it less then as prescribed you. Not that, that matters, but I do remember this about you.
Also, as for the greater freedom I felt when you did die, I trust that you understand fully as to why such freedom. ---Thinking of you, lately!
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Hope ........and hope you're in heaven, if not all along, at least by now.
