Shouting out loud about how i hate myself

[Sandstone]

I finally got round to doing some cleaning, for the first time since Christmas. I have a routine:-
Vacuum all rooms 14 mins
Dust 10 mins
Quick Mop kitchen and bath 12 mins
Clean mirrors, pictures and doors 8 mins
Purge magazines and catalogues, Empty all the bins 4 mins
Damp cloth inc doggy walls 8 mins
Put all kit away 2 mins

that usually works well for me, if I can start, as setting time limits means that if I don't finish the whole house it's OK, I did what I set out to do.

This time, as soon as part of it went wrong, I found myself shouting out loud about how I loathe myself :" You stupid, useless, idle selfish little bint, what makes you think you are entitled to live in a house when all you do is sit around expecting to be waited on? You're no use, you're totally selfish and self centred, you can't even do the simplest thing. You'd rather just sit around while someone else goes out to work and earns the money. Smelly, ugly useless, failure, fat and stupid. Why do you think you have a right to exist?"

On and on and on, while I carried on cleaning.

What? Why? Is the final onset of craziness?

 

[Nikie]

You are a super organized woman trapped in a disaster. Wow I love the way you do the planing and timing that's great.. !!! I need some of your skills . can you help me please. So what time do you start. And what time do you finish with the cleaning.
You have to remember cleaning is a shitty job and I have no patiens with kids messing and don't clean up after them. What is the important stuff that really needs cleang ...? Why? They will only mess again. Nah I don't think you must punish yourself like this.. You only need something to reward yourself after cleaning other peoples shit.. :hungover:
Long ago I did a lot of stuff.. Mosaic, pencil drawing, oh i love the glass cutting and making stuff from savanna bottles :joyful: . needlework , crochet was my favorite .. Sigh.... I stopped all of it.
I have only one reward left and its if I am done with the house I do family research... I am totally in love with that.. And if any body ask me my addiction ... Its coffee and family search :roflmao:

Okey so i just want to say this ..
I love your planing skils please help me with myne?
Then don't be rude to yourself if other peoples shit is laying aroun . And best of them all if you can find a really nice reward for yourself you will soon Start to feel worthy when cleaning .. :hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Is the final onset of craziness?

If it is, then I have experienced this final onset of craziness several times. Sometimes I won't even be doing anything so productive as cleaning and the urge to yell how useless I am comes over me. I will often write out a lot of negative statements when journaling. I don't mean to do it, but it happens. Sometimes I try to challenge the words at a different moment in time when I am calmer.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe it's good @stenni , in so far as though I/ we my not shout things out (yet..?), many of us can relate. In you self-verbalizing it it gives you words & beliefs about yourself to challenge. Because I think our self-beliefs or inner critics are very very very nasty (or even lethal). But if you didn't realize what beliefs you are holding under the surface they could affect you without being able to identify them so easily. (Not that dealing with them or replacing them or not believing them is easy though. :( )

Also to me it sounds like you were triggered. (And congratulations on a clean & organized home. :tup: :) ) :hug:

 

[Born to Run]

I do agree with @Nikie in that cleaning itself is not a very rewarding thing to do, at least not on the long term. It is not doing something for yourself that you really like. Maybe the frustration of this spiritually empty cleaning work led to your negative emotions about yourself or why you should even exist. I sometimes feel this while cleaning and why I don't clean a lot.

Apart from this if you do this routine every day you can be proud of yourself too.

But if you didn't realize what beliefs you are holding under the surface they could affect you without being able to identify them so easily.

I really like this perspective.

 

[Tinyflame]

@stenni , I just came back to add, I know there are times my 'mind' seems to have decisions in mind of what to 'do' about myself (deleterious ones), but one could not arrive at those without pre-believing things such as you said about ourselves. But I think (not in a DID way) it's possible to skip that step, whereas having them brought to your (own) attention like that is a big step because what you are aware of you can potentially change or work on. :tup: :)

(Sorry @Born to Run cross-posted.)

 

[Suzetig]

@stenni I do that too, not quite so much recently but be been known to rant into myself or out loud generally detailing how crap a person I am and all the ways in which I fail as a person. I do tend to journal this stuff now and seeing it written down and arguing with it helps take some of the power away, as does seeing where you can identify where you're repeating stuff others have said to you over the years. You're not crazy, or if you are I am too!

 

[Kintsugi]

I yell at myself all the time compulsively. It is so bad that I wanted to make it my #1 priority in therapy to halt this behavior, because I started doing it at work and had some close calls with co-workers being potentially in earshot. My T did not find it so disturbing. She seemed to think it was a grounding tool that had almost replaced self-harm. I forget what else she said about it, or I would share that. All I really remember was her promising to reassure my boss that I was not psychotic if it ever came up.

 

[shimmerz]

This time, as soon as part of it went wrong, I found myself shouting out loud about how I loathe myself :" You stupid, useless, idle selfish little bint, what makes you think you are entitled to live in a house when all you do is sit around expecting to be waited on? You're no use, you're totally selfish and self centred, you can't even do the simplest thing. You'd rather just sit around while someone else goes out to work and earns the money. Smelly, ugly useless, failure, fat and stupid. Why do you think you have a right to exist?"

Self harm. Anyone you know from the past who expressed those words/attitude towards you?

I actually had to giggle as I did this yesterday. Put coffee in microwave and looked to see all I could get done in 2 minutes. Then screamed at myself for being such a lazy slob when I could get XYZ and ABC done in 2 minutes. Self harm. For me, anyway.

 

[Sandstone]

I don't think it's specific to the cleaning - which incidentally is only once w week at best. I suppose it could be that I am much the less clean and tidy of the two of us, and I feel a bit of pressure to keep up to his standards, But he seems genuinely not to mind doing most of the tidying.

The comments on challenging the words I use about myself are probably the way I should go, but my inclination is simply to ignore it.

I think our self-beliefs or inner critics are very very very nasty (or even lethal)

I don't know if this is a consistent self view. This afternoon I struggled with something I was learning to do, and could respond by sayig " That's harder than it looks on the Tube videos" No raging or self attacks.

I'm interested that

My T did not find it so disturbing.

I'd rather expected that mine might think it was worrying.Perhaps it is one more of those things hat is "normal", here but not in th e real world

 

[Suzetig]

My T would/has drawn parallels to self harm for me and I can see that she's right - I would verbally, psychologically hurt myself so no one can see it and ask questions, to keep some control over my emotions, which is definitely self harm-like for me. Interestingly enough, I've not done it since sharing my journal with her where I has written what I "say" to myself. Her response was accepting of me but totally rejecting of how I saw myself, which really touched me.

 

[Tinyflame]

I just remember what you said way back about the car @stenni .

I can relate to instances of feeling so dispassionate about it, also. I just meant when I think, "It's the right thing to do", "right" probably has weight/ 'proof from what I've already believed or sized up from the past & present. To not think of it as self-harm or self-abuse is to say it's correct/ accurate (which it isn't).

:hug: