Shoving It Back Down Where It Came From

[ClairBear226]

After 5 weeks of therapy, I finally talked last week about actual details of the trauma that got me to this stupid place. 24hours later, I told my adult daughter. I talked. I did the stuff that has been pounded into my head will work to get me through this. I hear time and time again that it's the only way. I felt like I gave birth to a damned rhino, but I did it. And then I crashed. I've been dealing with PTSD symptoms since I was 21 years old (I'm 43), and I got hit with the absolute worst garbage I've had to deal with yet. I spent an entire day "reliving" childhood trauma. Couldn't get grounded, couldn't get my head back in the game. I'm remembering the bulk of this stuff for the first time, so I felt like I spent the whole day in childhood hell, perpetually 8, 9, 10, 11 years old, with all the maturity and helplessness that goes along with it. This sucks. I had to call off work, because I couldn't function long enough to complete a goddamned rational thought, much less appear professional. Friday was absolutely the worst day I've ever had with this crap. Isn't there supposed to be some sort of failsafe in the human brain that only gives it as much as it can handle at once? Mine's busted. I can't handle hour after hour of this crap. I don't know who could. It's more than I can take, and I just want it to stop. By Saturday night I'd made a conscious decision to shove it all right back down. There has to be a way to get my life back without curling up into a fetal position and sucking my thumb for the next decade. Or drowning it in alcohol (which, believe me, is getting quite tempting). The flooding crap has to stop. I'll be damned, right now, if I can find the light at the end of that tunnel.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I think this is what is most difficult for most of us with PTSD. We are not simply dealing with a moment, we are re-living that moment until we can't live anywhere else. Our experience, our condition- it begins to define us, or it does on our bad days. Where we are stuck in that moment and we can not get out of it. And all too often, facing it, talking about it can bring it back up like bad chinese food, except that the misery of the discomfort from it lasts much longer and is much more severe.

Just last week-I went to this place, seen its walls and touched its surfaces- and found no escape. But one day, the light did shine through. It didn't happen through T, it didn't happen over night, and it didn't happen because I willed it to. It just seemed to happen- the natural progression of acceptance which has brought me here to today. The last weeks have been a flurry of difficulties- life does not stop just because you have PTSD which can often compound the issues- the issues in which we are so desperately attempting to escape from.

I do not have the answer, I admit I do not know crap about crap. But I do know that you, like myself, are not alone in how you feel. You always have a purpose, and while I wish that I could bring a glimmer of light into your life and ease some of your pain, I know that no words that I express can truly do that. But I will encourage you do to something for yourself, that makes you feel good about you. Diversion tactic. Maybe a good "chick flick" movie or book, something hopeful can help you to turn away from that place if only for a short time. Find something to cry over, or laugh at, or smile about- something that is just for you that you enjoy or that can at least help you to get your footing long enough to find a way out. Easier said than done, I know- believe me- I know. Hugs to you ClairBear. Many, many hugs.

 

[suzie q]

When I processed my childhood abuse/trauma, I lost my mind, shut down emotionally and spiritually, and felt as if someone had ripped my skin off and was using a hair dryer to torture me. I had bad flashbacks, body memories, physical pain and went into complete dissociation. My dog would protect me when I went into fetal fits. I thought I was totally loosing my little bit of sanity and would end up in a mental hospital.

I was told by my therapist that in order to heal, I had to walk through the pain. I hated her for saying that, and even more when things started to happen. Having said all that, I made it through without losing me and was able to start investigating who I really was without all that pain and trash inside. My husband went through the same process and said that he felt like he had just taken the "dump" of his life. He said he felt much lighter and more free.

My experience with the flooding was to stay with safe people in a safe environment. (no drinking or drugs). I had to tell myself out loud vocally that I was safe and no one would ever hurt me like that again. That was my adult nurturing the scared little girl that was reacting to the pain. I imagined in my mind holding her like my own baby and protecting her from the pain with hugs and rocking. (sometimes I used my Pooh bear as her) I cried and cried till I would puke, but it would eventually ease. I had put my little hurt girl in a safe place and let her know that I (the adult) would always be there to keep her safe. This eased the body memories and constant chaotic thinking. I still do this from time to time and I'm 51.

It WILL get better and you will process this pain and walk away from it completely. All you'll have will be the "sad" memories, but no more terror, panic, and pain. Keep processing, there is an end and it's not as far away as you feel.

We are always here to help you through, let us know what we can do for you. hugs...suzie q

 

[Srain]

((((((((((((Clairbear)))))))))))))))))

I have been going through this process and each time it feels like I'm free falling through horror and pain, like I will never touch ground again but I do. What I'm finding is the key is to do what you did, keep reaching out, contact your tdoc, utilize all your support, and ride it through....like a wave...try staying on top of the wave and sooner or later it eases down to the ground again.(BloominWinter and Albatross, possibly others have made these suggestions to me)

For me, the panic of first feeling that free falling makes it all heighten and even last a bit longer, so letting go of the panic is helpful, hard but helpful. It's a difficult process and it take time to learn to not fight it so hard. It's difficult to remember, as well, that it does pass.

Each time going through is a healing, it's painful and disruptive but it is healing that needs to be done and you are learning how to heal yourself.

You are not alone in this.
peace and strength,
Rain

 

[Sterre]

My experience with the flooding was to stay with safe people in a safe environment. (no drinking or drugs). I had to tell myself out loud vocally that I was safe and no one would ever hurt me like that again. That was my adult nurturing the scared little girl that was reacting to the pain. I imagined in my mind holding her like my own baby and protecting her from the pain with hugs and rocking. (sometimes I used my Pooh bear as her) I cried and cried till I would puke, but it would eventually ease. I had put my little hurt girl in a safe place and let her know that I (the adult) would always be there to keep her safe. This eased the body memories and constant chaotic thinking.

Clairbear....many hugs go out to you!

Try to remember yourself that you are safe. Maybe you can create a symbol ( a bear, or a rock, or a picture of the present time when you felt safe, or something else that can function as a reminder) when you cant seem to think straight.
I am sorry you have to go trough this agony.
My thoughts are with you.

 

[ClairBear226]

Thanks, guys. Not in a great place right now, and it sucks. I keep hearing from people here, in chat, from my newly appointed therapist, etc. that I'm "doing great". I talked. But I'm not doing great. I'm doing really, really lousy, actually. I feel like I'm stuck. The flashbacks were coming before I talked, and I have to assume they'll still be there if I shut back up. But they're worse once I started to dig around in all the guck. I feel like I'm back in survival mode, and the only instinct I've got is to shut the hell up and burry it. Since I made the decision to do exactly that on Saturday, I can actually function again. Great, right? Functioning's good. But tomorrow is therapy day, and I'm either going to talk and end up back where I started, or not talk and end up where I started. Nice choice I've got there.

I'd love to talk to people that this has actually worked for. That have done the whole "talking it to death" thing, and are better for it. Lets face it, the bulk of the people that we see on the forum here are either newly diagnosed or in some sort of crisis phase that's made them reach out for help. Once they're doing well, most don't seem to need this anymore. But please, somebody show me that this actually works, because at the moment I feel like I'm just slamming my hand in a door for no good reason. I want my life back. It wasn't perfect, but it was good. Now it just sucks.

 

[Sterre]

But please, somebody show me that this actually works, because at the moment I feel like I'm just slamming my hand in a door for no good reason. I want my life back. It wasn't perfect, but it was good. Now it just sucks.

I can truly and geniune tell you that being on this forum works, that staying grounded works to get trough the horibble feelings, that writing and talking about it works.Writning woks well for some people,while others need to talk about it, and for some the combination of the two works best.

What you are expieriencing now is also survival mode, you are giving up on hope like you use to do maybe? The feelings of depression or lack of faith, you are facing now, is part of the proces youre in.It is how you used to cope with strong and overwhelming feelings, I think.

I can relate to much you are writing here, and I know that most people on this forum can.It is pure agony and very hard and painfull, to feel like you lost yourself again, to feel youve lost your safety again. But you prove by your writing that you are able to control them ( by pushing it away again) and deal with them bit by bit. If this is the first time you felt so overwhelmed by flashbacks and all the hopeless feelings the flashback stirs up, it will mean the next time you will be more prepared, you will know what you are facing, and you can take preparations.

Dont lose faith Clairebear!

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Sterre- Perfectly spoken! Perfect! Hugs to you all.

 

[intothelight]

Clair,

I couldn't do it all at once. I had (have) to break it down into little pieces so it doesn't consume me. I've been on the forum a little while now and I have seen people get better. Many times those that heal the fastest have made therapy their full time focus, and that isn't everyone's reality. Jobs, children, spouses, household responsibilities, etc. make the process more difficult. That is where the coping tools become invaluable and I am not sure how much your T has covered these, but they are essential for the process to be manageable.

It guess when anyone starts something new, it takes a while to find some type of balance. Talk to your T about the degree this is disrupting your life. Explore coping techniques and options that will help you deal with the past while living in the present.

I don't have any answers, just some thoughts and observations. But I really believe that therapy cannot be "cookie cutter" and we all need to find what works for us individually; and a lot of time it is trial and error. The thing is, putting back in the box doesn't always work like it did in the past. At sometime trauma becomes some deranged "jumping jack" and the top is no longer secure. For me, I could put it back for a while but it just came popping out. I didn't have the option any more and I just had to deal with it. I am still learning how.

Many (((Hugs))) and I am sorry there are no clear cut answers.

Deb

 

[maddog]

Not much to add to what's already been said Clairbear, as i am right where you are now and know that I have been, to varying degrees, for some time now. AS my T tells me, once the genie is out of the bottle, there's no putting it back, and sometimes I resent the hell out of that reality and crave almost frantically for the constricted, inhibited, imperfect world in which I used to live, the one in which denial helped me to get through the day for so long... and then, eventually, not anymore.

I truly don't believe you can ever go back to who and where you were beforehand, and one day we have to believe that that will be the greatest reality of our lives, not to mention the greatest irony, because it's a case of needing to go back in order to go forward.

And there are definitely people out there on this forum who have clearly progressed a long way - I hope some of them can share their stories of hope with you soon - I'd like to be reminded of them too!

Please keep talking to us, communication and sharing with safe people are some of the most important coping strategies you will need to keep calling on as you go through this process, no matter how strong the urge to isolate can sometimes be.

Keep trucking, keep on looking ahead and moving forward.

Maddog

 

[suzie q]

I'm one of those that the "talking it to death" worked. As I said in my prior post, processing and talking about the pain, feeling it and understanding it's meaning, and then finally walking through the pain and anxiety and reaching a safe place worked. What did not work for me was the days and years that I spent stuffing so that I wouldn't flip out completely.

My T told me that stuffing makes the anxiety and confusion worse. I didn't believe at first because that had kept me alive, though not living. You may feel some immediate relief, and be able to "function" for a minute, but putting on more layers over time will force you to eventually deal with it. Getting past the fear of the unknown was the process of therapy. My therapist was there to ground me and gently keep me in the now. My fears were my biggest enemy, and that alone, kept me from getting better for so many years. I felt like if I did think or talk about it, I was giving it power to consume me. That was a complete lie. My surviving skills had taught me to run from the nightmares.

I hated talking about my past. It was hard, and at times I felt embarrassed. I thought I should be stronger and that I should just "put the past behind me". When you have trauma you can't just walk away, you have to heal the wound and that takes time and persistence. "Talking" did the trick for me and I no longer have the confusion, pain, torment, and sick behaviors/thinking my trauma gave me. When I do have memories of the past, they bring sadness. All the extreme emotions that were attached before have faded.

 

[J'aime]

Clair-Thank you for so elequently describing these feelings, and feeling safe enough here to speak about it. You described things I myself find very difficult to explain to others, as to how I'm feeling. It took a burden off of my shoulders just now to read that somebody else also feels the same way I do. Beautiful post, even though you may not realize the beauty of it right now...it was beautiful because you got it out of you, beauty because you are healing, and beautiful because it helped people like me. It brought tears to my eyes to read that I am not alone.

Long distance hug from me! Hope you feel it in your heart!