I probably should start another thread since this is mostly about my struggle with doing art and having ptsd simultaneously. I'm finally doing it again, but it hurts. Hurts a lot. It's so hard to explain. I know that I've been sliding downhill ever since I started to draw again... I felt all cold and sleepy today. I know it's a part of this. Doing art is so raw and painful. Every time I make a decision of my next stroke of the charcoal, I have this feeling like I'm wasting my time. This inner voice telling me it's not worth anything. I know where this stems from but it is so hard to break! I no longer have someone there telling me how worthless I am, so why do I still listen to that voice!??
I didn't realize the depth of this pain until my hub today asked me what was wrong. I didn't think anything was wrong. I was just a little bummed and tired, I thought. But the more we talked I realized that I'm really nervous doing these art pieces. These aren't for me, these art pieces are for someone else. For everyone to judge!!! I'm nervous. I'm nervous about doing it, and I'm even more nervous about getting paid for it. It just seems wrong. I am lucky enough to have this talent, I should give it away freely.... Ugh! I don't know... Well, needless to say, I started to cry, and now my dam is broken. Here comes the flood. I just hope I can do this. Just two pieces. Just two, done before Christmas...