Sick Of Having An Identity Crisis

[Thinkingman85]

Hello. What I am sick of is having the feeling that I need to be someone else. Traumatic events can leave you feeling like you can't go back to previous behaviors because you'll be hurt or exploited if you do so. For example, about five years ago a gay man asked me to come over to his apartment. During the time, I was in good shape and studied nutrition extensively. He said that his sister had cancer and, at his request, I obliged to write up a dietary treatment plan for her (I claimed that I wasn't a registered dietitian). Next thing you know, he tries to have sex with me. When I was standing in the room, he touched my stomach and tried to seduce me. I was shocked. Also, he continued to tell me that I was gay and I didn't want to admit it. After realizing that he wasn't interested in me writing up a diet plan for his sister, I left the apartment. However, the experience left a feeling of being taken advantage of by a gay man.

After years of introspection, I realized that he was deceptive the whole time and his ONLY intention was to try to have sex with me. His sister probably didn't even have cancer. What has hurt me so much is that I realized how deceptive people can actually be. It's hard for me to deal with it. I know that I am not gay, but when I converse with people, there is an underlying homophobic feeling. I feel like if I open up to people, I will be gay, even though I know that I am not. I haven't been gay my whole life. I am androgenous and am an emotional guy, but I am not past the "gay" line. They gay man shattered my sense of sexual orientation and it is hard for me to be comfortable. I was never decieved sexually by anyone... My confidence is lower because I was dumb enough to let this happen to me. I don't know how to restore confidence in myself and how I act in the world.

Imagine if you were comfortable with who you were as a person and that person was taken adavntage of by someone else. How is it possible to be comfortable and trusting with yourself anymore? Logically, it won't work being who you were befoere the trauma because you might get traumatized again... but you always want to be that person because it is who you have been your whole life. The only alternative seems to be to accept the pain and alter aspects of yourself that were vulnerable to deceit. This isn't working though. I hate this.

 

[The Albatross]

Thinking Man, I've been hit on by women because of my demeanor but I didn't actually classify it as anything identity shaking... I basically said thank you for your interest, no thank you I'm married and straight but I appreciate the compliment.

Opening up to people will not make you gay. You can learn to have and enforce boundaries and effectively communicate with other people what is okay, and what is not okay. I'm sorry that that happened to you, but I'm even more sorry that 5 years later, you are "stuck" there and that it effects you. It was deceptive of him, and inappropriate for him to touch you. You took the right action and got out of there.

You are right about the "only alternative"... it can be best to accept that you were unwittingly vulnerable to deceit... BUT (big but) play it (the memory, when it surfaces) all the way through to where you turned him down and got out of there safely. (?)

For me, it was really low on the scale of traumatizing events though. I hope this helps you.

 

[saffy]

Hi Thinkingman85

yep I have a history of being decieved and manipulated too. I am starting to realise though that I should not blame myself for this as they are very good at what they do and I am not the only person they do it too, it is their nature and behaviour and not a reflection on me, even though I was a victim of this at the time.

What you can tell yourself is that you recognised it and made a decision and stuck to it and it was the right thing to do. So based on that you have the tools to hopefully recognise this behaviour sooner in the future and have the courage to stop it as before.

Hope this helps a little
best wishes
Saffy

 

[Spiderallis]

Who we are changes over time, we learn things and it adds a new facets to the jewel. It's okay to be you, there's some new parts to integrate into who that is, but it's still you. From how you explained the situation I think you handled things very well ThinkingMan. It was awfully kind of you to offer help, and I'm sorry your kind nature was taken advantage of of by a liar. You know better than anyone else if you're gay or not, expressing your thoughts or feelings has nothing to do with that. Liking men is the only qualification for being a gay man. It's just a stereotype that gay men are more expressive of their emotions. Anyone is welcome to express how they feel, it doesn't matter who you'd rather take on a date.

There's some nasty people in the world, only out for their own interests and well aware of how to pick out people who can be tricked into helping them. They come in every flavor and look just like anyone else. They're very perceptive of how to manipulate people and it's not your fault for being tricked. Those people put lots of effort into their masks to gain the trust of others. They don't even think there's anything wrong with what they do or how they do it, they're quite ill and in a way that very hard to treat. I've dealt with several of them myself. I'm still the same me I always was, but I've added some caution to the mix to prevent further exploitation by those yuck-filled people.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

First it was not your fault. You were made a target and vicitmized. You are not guilty. It is not your fault. I am sorry that happened to you. It was a bizarre situation and I am glad that is as far as it went. You took care of yourself and got yourself out of there.

It is a sad fact in our world that straight people get hit on by gay people sometimes.

I wish you peace and healing. You can let this one go. I knew a man who got raped by two men in a gas station rest room. This did not happen to you.

Having good boundries will take care of you. I am sorry you are suffering. You need help in sorting this situation out for you. Good luck.

 

[Philippa]

I know what that is like thinkingman.

I had the same thing happen to me with a woman who turned up at my house one night crying, saying that her boyfriend hit her. It was all a manipulation to get me to have sex with her. She had actually crossed that line a week earlier, when I was in a car with her, and she all of a sudden started sucking on my breast, in the carpark, in broad daylight, when my head was turned. There was no asking or suggesting...she just took. I didn't know what to do or say, I was in shock just looking down at her doing that to me. She then started masturbating furiously and tried to get me to go down on her.

I've never really accepted or admitted that it was an assault of sorts. I always just laughed at it, like it was an amusing thing and told it as a funny story to friends later one...but it was actually a huge boundary violation, and it was technically non-consensual touching and sexual activity.

Up until then, I never imagined that women can rape as well, or at least do things without consent like that...but they do. I'm not gay either, though I do admit I can feel attraction to women at times. I'm mainly into men though...well, I was. I've been asexual for a while since so many things of this nature have happened to me.

It was silly of me to let her in my house a week later, and have her pull some act of being a victim to get me to lower my guard. She didn't do anything that time, but the next time I saw her her and her boyfriend started having sex right in front of me, and tried to get me to join in.

People with no respect for others boundaries can do so much damage without even realising it.

If you are an emotional person, that can really mess with you. It doesn't matter that he didn't rape you, as what has happened to other men...he still violated your personal boundaries and deceived you, and that has affected you.

I hope you can let this go in time, for your own sake, and feel more comfortable with your own sexuality.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I appreciate all of the comments. Wow, there are some horrendous stories Gizmo and Philippa. The problem with not getting retaliation is the feeling that I lost. My brother was a drug addict that slapped me in the face. I got in his face and walked away. For five years, I've had this feeling that I didn't man up. As in the case of the gay man, I feel like I should have decked him and left him laying on the floor in his apartment. Because of me being nice and not wanting to accept what was really happening, I always tried to be the better man. The reality is, though, that I suffered an immense amount. My self confidence was damaged, my confidence in my sexual orientation was in question, and repressed anger has been a major part of my life after the incidents. I don't enjoy having the famous hypervigilant "I feel like someone may hurt me" feeling. I lost friends because I fell into a depression. Emotionally, I feel like I am not as strong as I used to be. I can't concentrate as well I used to be able to. I'm not as motivated as I used to be.

As I continue to stay in my home city, there is always a sense of helplessness. My way of life was damaged because after the incidents, I lost my ability to cope well enough to maintain relationships. This realization, in turn, makes me feel resentment toward my brother and the gay man. Their behaviors have been left without being reprimanded. It is hard for me to want to do anything successful because the belief of "I didn't set the record straight with those people. How can I practice what I preach if I actually didn't practice it?" I've always believed in standing up for yourself. The thought that they have the belief of me, which seems to be, "I was able to treat him disrespectfully before and he didn't retaliate on me, so I can do it again" makes me angry.

It seems that talking about it is what will help me get over the feelings.

 

[Philippa]

I think with straight men, there is a much bigger stigma about being gay, especially if you aren't, than there is for females and lesbians. Lesbians seem to be, on the whole, a bit more socially acceptable.

Have you been able to find other men that you've felt you can share this story with, who would understand, from a man's point of view, how this could have affected you?

I think it must be hard for a man to feel he has to act a certain way, in order to feel 'like a man'. The whole idea that you 'should have' reacted by kicking his ass, is one thing...but maybe it's like with us women...when you're in that situation, you just kinda freeze, and go into this state of shock, where you don't feel like you can say or do anything about it, and then later kick yourself for not doing what would have been the most appropriate thing.

When something like that happens though, your body really does freeze up, and in the time you 'should have' been reacting by hitting the guy or slapping the girl to shock them into realising that they can't get away with that...YOU are the one in shock.

I totally get the anger you feel at feeling like your lack of reaction gave him the mnessage that it was ok that he did it. I've been in situations like that as well. Once, at a festival, this man I had only met once, picked me up, from behind (as in, I had no idea he was behind me and he just picked me up) and sat me on his lap.

I was so in shock at what he'd done, that it took me about a minute to say to him "What makes you think that I want to be sitting on your lap right now?" and he replied confidently, and with a smile on his face "Well, you haven't run away, or slapped me, so you must be ok with it."

That really made me mad. The fact that so many people in this f*cked up world, think that they are entitled to just take what they want and not even ask, makes me wonder why I haven't run off to the forest long ago and live in a cave.

 

[The Albatross]

Thinking Man,

Don't confuse self restraint with being less than a man. The restraint you used to walk away from two potentially violent episodes is the hallmark of a real man in my book. Brutes resort to fists. Give yourself credit for this. You exercised huge self restraint by not defalting in to "fight/flight/freeze/flee" instinctual mode. That is a good thing in my book.

You, Thinking Man, have integrity and a level of character that some people around you are or were sadly lacking. You behaved admirably.

 

[matthios]

Honestly, "decking him" wouldn't have been "manning up"- it would've been, er, "childing down"?

Look at it this way, if he touched your stomach and you punched him: you would go to jail for assault and battery (with possible hate-crime twists) and he would become a media darling. From your description, there wasn't a forcible thing about it. Scumbaggish, perhaps, but not violent.

What would punching him have achieved? That he must become the victim of physical violence because he made a pass at you? Reject him and walk away. You did that, good for you.

It really does suck that this has bothered you so much. But the real question you need to tackle is why did this challenge your identity so much? was it him? or is it really you? I'm not, in the slightest, suggesting that you are a closeted homosexual (I don't know and frankly don't care one way or the other).

I've been hit on by gay men before. It's happened both respectfully (in a flattering way) and disrespectfully (in a very ignorant, predatory way). Your circumstance seems to imply the latter, but it would also appear that you voluntarily went over to this guy's place. There's some backstory there. I mean, regardless of the circumstance about his sister, it doesn't sound like he was a stranger off the street. I can't imagine going over to a stranger's place unless there was some familiarity or pretext for it.

I've got to disagree with gizmo's sentiment that it's a "sad fact" that straights get hit on by gays. It's a fact, but there isn't really anything sad about it, at least to me. Gays get hit on by straights, too. I've hit on a lesbian before (and subsequently became very good, albeit platonic, friends with her).

It's a sad fact that people are disrespectful and predatory in their advances. Yes- let's go with that. It's a sad fact that we, as a society, seem to think that "playing games" (using deceit) is really the "proper" way to establish sexual and romantic relationships. Let's go with that.

 

[The Albatross]

Hopefully, Thinking Man, with the validation and support you receive here... you will be able to break your old thinking pattern and embrace that you did the right thing and that it not a reflection of your manhood in any stretch of the imagination. You can perhaps, set this aside, and let this man who violated your personal space stop stealing your peace. (?) Close the book on it and move ahead more confidently.

 

[Thinkingman85]

With all of that being said, I'm wondering if it is possible for me to succeed in life in the city I live. I am concerned about not succeeding in life all because of my past. I have worked 19 jobs, but I haven't found a stable career and personal contentment (in terms of complete comfort with yourself) yet.

I have lost both of my parents (mother brain aneurysm at 15 years old, father massive heart attack at 17 years old), became engulfed in a drug induced environment with my brother (19 to 21 years old), was hit on by a deceptive gay man that tried to have sex with me, I started taking Adderrall and Buspar to deal with my issues which led to excessive paranoia and caused me to lose my best friend whom I was the best man at his wedding.

I feel like the city is a death pit leading me toward death. I don't know if leaving my home city will grant me the right circumstances in order to put myself into a good spot in life. I used to be able to communicate with the residents, but I feel like I can't anymore. Numerous people have told me that I should move out.

All of the traumas ended five years ago. Since then, I have been trying to re-accustom myself to my home city, but my brain always seems to want to repel me from it. I might pack up and move to Minneapolis and finish my degree. My brother and uncle want me to join the Army. All that I want is to be free of my past and comfortable with who I am and where I live. I wish that my indecisiveness wasn't so pervasive.

I think one of the things that I have trouble dealing with is that I feel like i have to make all of my decisions alone. Since both of my parents are gone, and my brother left me to not trust him very much, I have to make my own decisions. There is a feeling of depression and loneliness.