WesternSky
Bronze Member
Hi there. I've had PTSD for almost six years now - actually, one of the things that drove me to this site is the fact that the six-year anniversary is coming up in less than a week and I'm having more trouble dealing with it than usual. I thought I was getting better - and I suppose in many ways I'm MUCH better than I was - but I looked on the calendar to see my work schedule and realized that Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year, and it hit me like a truck that this was the first time that the days of the week would match up with the days of the week when I went through it all (being six years of course.) To make things worse, I'm working those days and I don't know how I'll be able to focus. I don't even want to leave the house - I'm feeling extra anxious and paranoid.
I've had diagnosed depression and anxiety issues a little longer, and those things led to the situation which gave me PTSD. I worked with it a little and used to see a psychiatrist for about two years, but since I moved and no longer had that therapist, I can't really bring myself to try again. The hardest part is that the circumstances surrounding the PTSD prevent me from getting help or even seeing a doctor. I really, really distrust medical professionals, especially mental health ones. I'm terrified of hospitals, health facilities, and doctors so I do anything possible to avoid going. On the few times I've had to go, I've had a complete mental breakdown beforehand and when I'm there, I go into survival mode and shut down, barely talking and often just straight up lying to them about the severity of whatever I'm there for just so I can get away. I had to go see a psychiatrist to get a new prescription for meds and I couldn't even look at him. I broke down crying in his office because I was so terrified of him. He seemed like a very nice person, and while I'm sure he means well, I just can't trust him because he's a doctor.
I thought that eventually things would go away, but after six years (which I know is not a long time compared to how long some of you have struggled), I'm realizing that these things will always be with me, and that while some triggers have gotten better, others have not, and sometimes it will overtake me when I least expect it, even when I thought I'd moved past that trigger. I don't have flashbacks as much anymore, but I still see everyone's faces and when I hear a name that's the same those are the faces I see. I used to run and hide from ambulances. Now they just bring a knot into my chest, but I can stand my ground. Sounds, foods, movies, and even cold temperatures can start the memories again even if I don't fully flashback. I don't know what to do. I love fall but I hate this anniversary and I hate that I'm having such a strong reaction to it this year. I don't know anyone else with PTSD and my family doesn't realize how much of a problem it is for me still. I don't think they really understand it, though my partner is trying and seems to understand now more than she used to, when she thought at first that my flashbacks were a cry for attention because they happened at inopportune times. And I love her dearly but her well-intentioned actions helped lead to the situation that caused the PTSD, and I know she wishes she could change it so I can't talk to her as much about it because it just causes both of us pain.
I'm scared. When things get too bad, I'm worried that I will either lose it and have a mental breakdown or have what I call a full shut-down. It's something happened right after the PTSD and I went around for a few months like that for the majority of the time (which I think is why I could see that one therapist - I started seeing her while shut down so I wasn't scared of her and the main fear of health professionals started after that). When I shut down, I stop caring about anything. It's more than apathy, it's like I'm not even there. There's a thick wall that I'm behind and someone could be screaming in my face and they probably couldn't reach me. Nothing can reach me or touch me and I'm just gone. The fact that I can do that and that sometimes it happens scares me more than the potential breakdown.
Sorry for the length - things just kind of came out.
I've had diagnosed depression and anxiety issues a little longer, and those things led to the situation which gave me PTSD. I worked with it a little and used to see a psychiatrist for about two years, but since I moved and no longer had that therapist, I can't really bring myself to try again. The hardest part is that the circumstances surrounding the PTSD prevent me from getting help or even seeing a doctor. I really, really distrust medical professionals, especially mental health ones. I'm terrified of hospitals, health facilities, and doctors so I do anything possible to avoid going. On the few times I've had to go, I've had a complete mental breakdown beforehand and when I'm there, I go into survival mode and shut down, barely talking and often just straight up lying to them about the severity of whatever I'm there for just so I can get away. I had to go see a psychiatrist to get a new prescription for meds and I couldn't even look at him. I broke down crying in his office because I was so terrified of him. He seemed like a very nice person, and while I'm sure he means well, I just can't trust him because he's a doctor.
I thought that eventually things would go away, but after six years (which I know is not a long time compared to how long some of you have struggled), I'm realizing that these things will always be with me, and that while some triggers have gotten better, others have not, and sometimes it will overtake me when I least expect it, even when I thought I'd moved past that trigger. I don't have flashbacks as much anymore, but I still see everyone's faces and when I hear a name that's the same those are the faces I see. I used to run and hide from ambulances. Now they just bring a knot into my chest, but I can stand my ground. Sounds, foods, movies, and even cold temperatures can start the memories again even if I don't fully flashback. I don't know what to do. I love fall but I hate this anniversary and I hate that I'm having such a strong reaction to it this year. I don't know anyone else with PTSD and my family doesn't realize how much of a problem it is for me still. I don't think they really understand it, though my partner is trying and seems to understand now more than she used to, when she thought at first that my flashbacks were a cry for attention because they happened at inopportune times. And I love her dearly but her well-intentioned actions helped lead to the situation that caused the PTSD, and I know she wishes she could change it so I can't talk to her as much about it because it just causes both of us pain.
I'm scared. When things get too bad, I'm worried that I will either lose it and have a mental breakdown or have what I call a full shut-down. It's something happened right after the PTSD and I went around for a few months like that for the majority of the time (which I think is why I could see that one therapist - I started seeing her while shut down so I wasn't scared of her and the main fear of health professionals started after that). When I shut down, I stop caring about anything. It's more than apathy, it's like I'm not even there. There's a thick wall that I'm behind and someone could be screaming in my face and they probably couldn't reach me. Nothing can reach me or touch me and I'm just gone. The fact that I can do that and that sometimes it happens scares me more than the potential breakdown.
Sorry for the length - things just kind of came out.
