My sleep is so messed up. I tend to not be able to fall asleep until 5 or 6 am, about daylight. Then can sleep for 12 hrs straight and sometimes 18. I may wake at noon or so and am still tired and tell myself that there is nothing that I need to do, as I dont, Pretty much have no life, no obligation, nothing. I think that is a bad crutch for me. I feel like I am guarding the house at night or something. I wish I could just sleep and sleep, that is when I am happiest if I am not having nightmares. I do everything wrong, have tv, computer, smoke, drink caffeine, even eat meals in bed. As I am writing this, I realized that it is as though I am unwilling to give anything of worth to the world or anyone. I hate having an appointment and having to get up during the day. I have lived a very structured life, would never allow myself to sleep in, was constantly productive. Now I have just checked out. Im doing what I want to do. I just wish this is not what I wanted. I dont expect anything from anyone and dont want others expecting anything for me. That sounds so terrible. I have raised my children very well and they are spoiled brats and we have no contact. That is when I really took this road I think, just quit caring after many tears. Have no tears, just flat about the whole issue.
