Smothered by Gifts

[Never_falter2]

I am with a vet like you are and I know a lot of other vets. One thing many vets (not all) have in common is that they are looking so “presentable“ (for lack of a better word), like boots clean, new hair cut, everything ironed... and many vets (not all) want everything around them to look just as nice and presentable, their homes, their wifes, their kids, their cars. I know mine wishes I would dress better. Maybe this is the reason or maybe not.

If you really do not like it I think you have to tell him but in a friendly way.

And the dress... this is my personal opinion, which nobody must share... I think it is not good to wear the same dress at several weddings... because people could misunderstand it. They could think that this special wedding means nothing to you... so you are just wearing the dress you wore before... but maybe this is just me who thinks like this. It is something I avoid for whatever reason and maybe he is a bit like me when it comes to this. (However I often lend my dresses, so I save a lot of money)
You say one of the dresses is not the right size. Is there a tailor who can do alterations where you live? They often can do very remarkable things, so that you could wear it.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Lots of good suggestions here. I wanted to piggyback off what @Friday said. First thing I thought when I read your post was the 5 love languages. My boyfriend is a gift-giver and that is at the bottom for me. It was really hard to decipher this at the beginning and I felt very uncomfortable often with what he gave me.

I had a hard week at school/work and went to his place and found a $300 appliance I've been wanting for YEARS and was waiting til I had a place of my own to save up for it. But he got it for me on a student budget. It was so thoughtful and so nice but I felt so guilty! He told me not to feel guilty and he wanted to make me smile. I told him it was too expensive. He said he found it on sale. ?‍

I have since learned about the love languages and learned this is how he shows me love since he's definitely not a words of affirmation or physical touch kind of guy. He gets me gifts all the time. Just this week he wanted to thank me for doing something for him (literally something that isn't a big deal and OF COURSE I would do it). So he bought me gift certificates for pedicures and google play store dollars for a stupid phone game I play all the time and refuse to get "good stuff" on via spending actual dollars.

Once I read about the love languages it was much easier to let go of the guilt and be grateful and loving back. I do make it a point to express my immense gratitude but also what's not my style so I don't get inundated with stuff that won't be used. Cause that started happening for a short time.

Good luck!

 

[Brown Eyes]

I hate to use the word "should", but from what you describe, it doesn't seem like he is all there, all in.

My feelings are that he is 'All In' as much as he knows how to be and as much as he has ever been with any woman. I know that because after I broke it off awhile back saying "You will not let me in"...he responded that this is the first time he has tried to love and he sucks at it. He also said that that time since we met has been the best times he has ever had.
He came back to me a few months later and at that time I was faced with a horrible situation including harassment & stalking, assault, criminal mischief, terroristic threats from a family that lived next to me. He got me thru this ordeal that lasted just over 12 months and resulted in 2 of them doing jail time. The result was a PTSD diagnosis for me and they lost everything including their home. I could have never stood up to them without his guidance & support. But still I question...is this enough for me? So...I DO believe he is all in but not compared the 'accepted norm'.

Most of his gifts are not extravagant and they are given to me to make me happy or to make me comfortable.

I am with a vet like you are and I know a lot of other vets. One thing many vets (not all) have in common is that they are looking so “presentable“ (for lack of a better word), like boots clean, new hair cut, everything ironed... and many vets (not all) want everything around them to look just as nice and presentable, their homes, their wifes, their kids, their cars. I know mine wishes I would dress better. Maybe this is the reason or maybe not.

This describes my vet to a "T". He always looks nice, even when he dresses down.

And the dress... this is my personal opinion, which nobody must share... I think it is not good to wear the same dress at several weddings... because people could misunderstand it.

I do not intend to wear the same dress to both weddings. Two sisters are getting married 6 weeks apart and I will certainly have different dresses. My guy is working on the second dress/shoes etc. as we speak so I look forward to what arrives. I've decided to let him follow thru with these occasions because he really wants me to look and feel special after the ordeal I went thru which I touched on in the post above. We'll talk the next time he goes off on an extravagant buying spree.

So the way I figure, about all things, is 'my' reaction tells me more about myself, in any interaction or situation. Communication, boundaries, and gratitude is the rest.

Thanks for sharing that experience...I love to hear about genuinely nice people.

Once I read about the love languages it was much easier to let go of the guilt and be grateful and loving back. I do make it a point to express my immense gratitude but also what's not my style so I don't get inundated with stuff that won't be used. Cause that started happening for a short time.

I have heard about the 5 languages and plan to go thru the questions when I have a clear mind. You are right...Lot's of great advice here. I am glad I returned to this forum. Everybody is so supportive and takes time to listen and advise.

 

[EveHarrington]

What matters most is...

A) Can you handle this?

and

B) Are you getting your needs met?

Nobody can answer these questions for you, we can only give feedback. It might take some time to figure this out. And, what is “enough” today may not be “enough” later on down the road. I think it’s something you’ll have to continually evaluate.

 

[void]

@Brown Eyes

Perhaps, this article about Kelly McNelis may be helpful. YMMV

This Manipulation Tactic Is Hard to Spot in Dating—Here Are the Signs

Take care.

 

[Brown Eyes]

@Brown Eyes

Perhaps, this article about Kelly McNelis may be helpful. YMMV

Yep...you nailed it with this explanation. Just yesterday, my therapist explained to me about manipulation...whether it be bad or good...it is not healthy.
I invited him back into my life at the time of the 'my situation' had begun. I put down the reigns and told him to take control in the hopes that the law would somehow see what my neighbors were doing to me and see that I was the victim...not them. Thru the many 911 calls that happened during that year, the many hearings, trials and finally their incarceration, he directed me and kept me afloat mentally, emotionally and physically. He absorbed my good days of winning which added up to criminal and summary charges x 18 (against the family), guilty verdicts & capturing incriminating video of them. He also picked me up off the ground and took me to the ER when I was assaulted in front of my home. He wiped my tears when I the cops told me they would return to take both of us to jail. We celebrated every-time they continued with the torture that gave me more material to show the detectives and DA's office. In the end, they were taken away to prison while we watched and bail was denied. VICTORY!!!
I knowingly invited the manipulation and although it served an acceptable purpose during those times...it has no place any longer. I became strong enough to face them in the courtroom on my own and I am strong enough to see how his control continues in our 'non-combat' life of today.
He is a man who did this for a living but I am taking the reigns back slowly and am in control of my life again. Not sure how the conversation will go but I will let him down gently because I want him in my life in some capacity. I know he is a good good man and even though his intentions are deliberate, he's done me no harm and quite possibly saved my life.
The book I am writing has a name but not an ending. With this realization I feel like I am getting closer to the happy ending we both deserve...just not the one I expected.

 

[Justmehere]

You could say something validating, that you know he is expressing love and saying for now, let’s call a mutual hiatus on gifts and instead just spend time together or whatever it is that you would like to do more of in the relationship.

 

[Hojay]

@Brown Eyes it‘s very hard from the outside to estimate how manipulative he is being with this gift giving, because there are a lot of moving pieces and elements that have to come together to really call it that. But it sounds like that’s where your intuition is leading you, and I want to say kudos for listening to your gut!