So Confused About These Thought And Memories

[Wolvescry]

Sometimes when I think about the past or a relive it, I get so confused. Things have a way of having such a dark irony. As a Child and teenager, my sister tried to stab me with a knife and each time it was treated like it was my fault. the last time she spent 10 minutes taking shit to me and I made one comment back when I had to run for my life. I was so scared she would get me this time, but luckily my ex fiance run down the stair. He was 6.6 and me and my sister were both 5.3 and 5.4. he easily caught her in mid air, I remember running up the stairs and looking back to see him holding her over his shoulder, she was still swinging the knife around, not trying to hit him at all, but still going for me. I ran and hid in my room. I can hear my family yelling at me, saying what did I do to her, and why did I make her so mad. They said it was my fault. They did not even attempt to understand how terrifying it was to me.

A part of me thinks thats one of the reason I fell for my ex fiance so easily. He made me feel safe. I remember holding his soft hands in my hands and thinking how safe they made me feel. I loved the way he would hold me and make me feel so safe.

But that all changed after while. At one point in our relationship he became angry and abusive as well. Its so confusing. I get so scared that maybe it is me that causes people to hurt me. So I prefer to stay away from most people. It got to the point where he almost killed me several times. I can't understand it. Can I really be that bad of a person that I make the people I love want to kill me?

What confuses me the most in how they both can get to point to want to kill me, but at the same time they protected me, from each other, and from other things. There is so much love I have for them, but so much fear and saddness. My current relationship for 4.5 years has been so peaceful with no violence or hate towards each other.

I just don't know how to digest these memories, feelings and confusion. I feel guilt, saddness and more. I remember both my sister and my ex suffered from depression and so did I. Who I am tells to be understanding, forgiving, and patient with them and what they did. But my heart and soul hurts. I just cannot let go. But I want to so badly. Maybe if I can just understanding.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I think what you are feeling is quite normal. We are all "taught" to think/feel like the things done to us were our fault, or we deserved them to happen to us.

Easier said than done, I know, but all of that is not true! But I think it's one of the reasons why we struggle the way we do.

Are you working with a good therapist? I took about a 5 year break from therapy... but it all caught back up with me. I have, thankfully, finally found a great therapist with whom I work well and she is invaluable as I embark on this journey.

Just know you are not alone!

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

One thing I learned, that I found helpful although counter intuitive, is that the reasons/motivations/understanding of your past and your abusers can be confusing, but sorting this out, may not be the most important factor moving forward. Making sense of your confusing memories is not required for you to heal. It is natural that you would want to sort out those feelings, because your brain wants to make sense out of nonsense, but all that might really be necessary, is to identify your feelings, observe them, experience them, accept them. Your feelings are what they are, they happen for a reason, but the details don't matter so much as the way you allow yourself to come to terms with your past and move on. Those feelings are important, and you should pay lots of attention, but they don't have to make sense for them to do their job.

My feelings confuse me too...usually all I can say when asked how I feel, is good/bad/neutral. The fact that you label yours and trace them to where the come from is really good.

 

[Wolvescry]

Timetoheal-I am seeing an good therapist but want to see a more experienced therapist, I have to wait till I make more money though. It really does help to talk to other survivors here and to know how you all feel too, thank you.

JBS-You know what my partner tells me when I try to makes sense of the ungliness of the world he says "I would be more worried if you understand why people are cruel then if you did not understand." I try to remind myself of this evrytime I get lost in my thought process of trying to understand. Although it does not always work it has made such a big difference in my recovery. What you said reminded me of that. I think the strongest emotion I feel is fear and heartbroken.