Relationship SO has dissociated and the part of her that is doing the driving right now has her abusive ex staying in our house. What do I do???

[OptimisticRealist]

Update! She texted today asking if I was ok, said she thinks she just glitched for a bit there. We're going to talk either this evening or tomorrow, but she seems like she's pulled through this pretty well, and much faster than I expected, honestly. ?

 

[Ronin]

Got pretty mental variant of DID...

Mental DID ain't ever an excuse to *act* mental, as in damage other people.

Part needs to not make moves that f*ck up your life, simple.
Your dear's as a whole responsibility.
Not yours, or her other support system's people like therapist's.

Abusive asshole has no place being there.

And seconded. Lawyer consult for the legal. Eventually police to kick abuser out. Best, both.

 

[OptimisticRealist]

I'm interested to hear what she has to say, I know she's ashamed and confused about her behavior. Going forward some clear boundaries are going to have to be set so I don't get put in this position again though. I picked my handle on here for a reason though, I'm both an optimist and a realist, so I'm thinking this is just an unexpected bump that we have to navigate to avoid a repeat in the future. Thanks again to everyone for your concern, support, and input. It's all very helpful and has helped keep me grounded.

 

[Survivor3]

I hope it works out. Best wishes to you.

 

[Friday]

Meaning a partner or ex-partner?

SO
SigOther / S’guther / S’guv’r
Significant Other

Dating, partner, married... it’s a broad term for “person I’m in a committed romantic relationship with, regardless of the legalities involved”.

 

[Survivor3]

SO
SigOther / S’guther / S’guv’r
Significant Other

Dating, partner, married... it’s a broad term for “person I’m in a committed romantic relationship with, regardless of the legalities involved”.

Ok Friday, thanks.

 

[Ronin]

You are very very within your rights to exercise firm boundaries.

It helps heal symptomatic-ness of DID too, in my experience. Has that bit in common with borderline.

So glad you and them-all two are talking and hang on tight buddy.

 

[Klanala]

So, my SO was recently diagnosed with cptsd and a pretty severe form of dissociation. She "switched" recently and asked her abusive ex to stay in our house with her to help with the kids, even though normally when he's in town he takes the kids to his mom's. I can't live there because of the moral clause in their divorce, but normally I'm there from the time I get off work until bedtime. We got the house as a safe space from him where he was never to be allowed to come, and up until the last few days, that has been the way things have gone. But something happened, don't know what, and she has reverted back to thinking he needs to be helping her. Whatever parts of her mind that are aware of the abuse she suffered at his hands are not in control right now, and I don't know what to do. I'm on the outside right now living a nightmare knowing the man who raped her, beat her, choked her, gaslit her,.etc is under our roof in our safe space. I have an appt tomorrow with our therapist to ask her advice on how to handle this gently, without scaring my SO or making it worse. Does anyone have any experience with anything like this????

PTSD symptoms occur from domestic violence. I advise you to set clear boundaries for yourself. Safe ones. You need professional help as well. Make sure you have a safe place to stay. If minor children or pets are in harm's way call the police. An expert order or order of protection may be needed.

 

[OptimisticRealist]

I'm in therapy, she's in therapy, and we're in therapy as a couple. Her cptsd was caused from literal lifelong abuse and neglect, first by her mother, then by her ex. They share custody, and she almost lost custody completely because he used her "mental instability" against her, but they since filed uncontested papers that are inconvenient, but better than the alternative of subjecting the kids to repeated questions and her ex getting primary custody. She never pressed charges on him for any of the physical abuse because she was terrified, and had no support at the time if she left him. It's been a long, hard road getting here needless to say.

 

[Klanala]

At this point I have to ask a tough question. Does anyone want a better life? Who is getting secondary gain? Does someone have a vested interest in allowing this abuse/ victimization to continue? I am very sorry you and your SO are in this situation. I have had a past history of abuse/victimization as well. I learned a lot from the concepts of the human magnet syndrome. It is real. I do not like it. My husband passed away. I lived. Court granted legal last name change. I am still in the process of changing my outcome 6 years after almost dying from a toxic marriage.

 

[Friday]

She never pressed charges on him for any of the physical abuse because she was terrified, and had no support at the time if she left him. It's been a long, hard road getting here needless to say.

Even if she had? It’s no kind of guarantee.

My ex was found guilty to a laundry list of charges (including, but not limited to; assault with intent against both myself AND our son, various lesser charges of assault, domestic battery, sexual assault, blah blah blah)... To the tune of my going over 80k in debt to pay for court costs, lawyers, evaluators, experts, etc... and the court ruling read? “Due to years of ongoing abuse and neglect we find there is no relationship between father and son. Therefore, we award the father 50% custody, in order to repair that relationship.” :banghead: His only sentencing for attempting to kill me on 3 seperate occasions, attempting to kill his son once, and the rest of that laundry list? Counseling. :banghead::banghead: If he’d done any of those things to a stranger, or someone else’s kid... he’d be serving 20 to life. I can’t even begin to count the number of times he put our son in the hospital AFTER the divorce (l nearly always managed to protect him, whlist married), and CPS spent 2 years trying to get my son removed from my ex having ANY custody, much less unsupervised, or half... but in our neck of the woods? If a father “wants” to be involved? You’re supposed to consider yourself lucky. :sour: f*ck. That. Noise. And all of that is just the tip of the iceberg, in dealing with the motherf*cking court system up here. The police are great, but the courts can burn in hell. I HATE our stupid f*cking court system. Because my case isn’t some OMFG!!! :eek: sort of thing. In domestic violence land... it’s normal bordering on WTF is your problem??? YOU still have half custody. You wanna lose that? Go ahead and break any single one of the court orders. Because the courts couldn’t care less who is hurt by their rulings, but they care very deeply that their rulings are followed. My ex wouldn’t spent even a day in jail for trying to kill me, or putting our son in the PICU, but I could go to prison for kidnapping/spousal interference if I didn’t hand over my son week in and week out to the f*cking asshole.

So.. IMO/IME... the 2 of you are being smart getting as much done “by agreement” as possible. It’s a brutal road, either way.

 

[Survivor3]

Even if she had? It’s no kind of guarantee.

My ex was found guilty to a laundry list of charges (including, but not limited to; assault with intent against both myself AND our son, various lesser charges of assault, domestic battery, sexual assault, blah blah blah)... To the tune of my going over 80k in debt to pay for court costs, lawyers, evaluators, experts, etc... and the court ruling read? “Due to years of ongoing abuse and neglect we find there is no relationship between father and son. Therefore, we award the father 50% custody, in order to repair that relationship.” :banghead: His only sentencing for attempting to kill me on 3 seperate occasions, attempting to kill his son once, and the rest of that laundry list? Counseling. :banghead::banghead: If he’d done any of those things to a stranger, or someone else’s kid... he’d be serving 20 to life. I can’t even begin to count the number of times he put our son in the hospital AFTER the divorce (l nearly always managed to protect him, whlist married), and CPS spent 2 years trying to get my son removed from my ex having ANY custody, much less unsupervised, or half... but in our neck of the woods? If a father “wants” to be involved? You’re supposed to consider yourself lucky. :sour: f*ck. That. Noise. And all of that is just the tip of the iceberg, in dealing with the motherf*cking court system up here. The police are great, but the courts can burn in hell. I HATE our stupid f*cking court system. Because my case isn’t some OMFG!!! :eek: sort of thing. In domestic violence land... it’s normal bordering on WTF is your problem??? YOU still have half custody. You wanna lose that? Go ahead and break any single one of the court orders. Because the courts couldn’t care less who is hurt by their rulings, but they care very deeply that their rulings are followed. My ex wouldn’t spent even a day in jail for trying to kill me, or putting our son in the PICU, but I could go to prison for kidnapping/spousal interference if I didn’t hand over my son week in and week out to the f*cking asshole.

So.. IMO/IME... the 2 of you are being smart getting as much done “by agreement” as possible. It’s a brutal road, either way.

Christ, that's really rough. Sorry that you went through that.