Relationship SO has dissociated and the part of her that is doing the driving right now has her abusive ex staying in our house. What do I do???


I'm not a man, btw. Just throwing that out there. And I appreciate all responses and input on this thread, even though I disagree with some aspects.

Sorry that I made the wrong assumption

As I said previously,I should applaud your concern for her and wish you luck with all of it
Last edited:
@MoonStone no worries. And in response to your earlier statement, yes, she and I have known each other for 9 years. Most of that has been as friends, then best friends, then realization that our feelings were much deeper than that. We have never lived together, not really, so seeing actual dissociative signs would have been hard for me, and they would have been easy for her to hide from me. I have seen suicidality, impulsivity, and general lack of functioning due to extreme anxiety. I've seen her in tears from confusion waking up and not knowing where she was or how she got there, and we've done things together, hung out with friends, and she can't remember meeting them. So I am aware of certain aspects of her dissociation, just have never seen her present as a totally different personality. But like I said, when she was terrified and panicking that she had DID, I'm 99% positive that was anxiety and fear talking, going to the worst case scenario. She's so intelligent and well-spoken, even in those states, it's easy to believe that she's in a rational frame of mind. I have waaaaaay more info now, so I couldn't even begin to make an assumption on a full, accurate diagnosis of anything other than cptsd right now.


. so seeing actual dissociative signs would have been hard for me

That's not what I meant actually,the average person doesn't notice dissociation or even know what it is usually. I just meant a set pattern of behaviors or reactions.

whatever is going on I wish you luck with it. It seems really unfair to you and I can't imagine how hard it has to be.

Good luck with all this
Thank you. It's hard, but I'm patient, and without being able to sit down and have an in-depth conversation about what she wants/needs vs what I want/need to see how things shake out, not really much I can do for the time being except wait and do my own thing until she's in a healthier headspace.


Significant Other. My girlfriend. We've known each other for almost 9 years

DID is so complex, if all the parts of their mind are not communicating, having boundaries with one doesn't mean the others even know about it. Just like some parts know about the abuse, others were protected from it. Goal for therapy is to integrate the parts where they work together in a healthy way. Obvs she's nowhere near that since she just got this diagnosis last week. She's reeling, and that is probably what triggered one of her other parts to step forward to take over for a bit.

All this is just speculation without being able to talk to her- the main her- since she's not present right now. But yeah, I am def hurt, confused, and angry. Just trying to place those feelings where they belong and not blame her for something she can't control yet.

While she may have DID, you can say that this is an unacceptable arrangement for you......and you need your own space with her. If he wants to be nearby, it is his responsibility to find his own place. If she knows she has been together with you for nine years....ALONE.....take HER to the therapist with you.....and deal with it now. Don't wait......


A little off topic @OptimisticRealist , and obviously no need to reply or share more if you don't want to. This 'morality' clause that you can't live in the house. What is that? Sounds really bizarre.

I don't understand why a divorce would impose clauses on what she can and can't do in future relationships. It sounds like outright discrimination and I'm sorry you both have to experience that.

Don't know if oppression due to sexuality is something that she is also dealing with that is impacting?

Anyway, back your topic (sorry for the sideline, and like I say, ignore if my comment jars)

I'm sorry she has moved him in. I'm sorry he agreed. And I'm sorry you are second guessing what is happening. I hope she is able to talk to you soon. And also to understand your feelings and take them in to account when she makes decisions.
@Movingforward10 The morality clause is typically used when there is either alimony involved, or minor children. To prevent a revolving door of random people to be allowed to spend the night in the house where the children are present. It goes both ways, her ex can't either, but in this case it was specifically included to prevent me from being able to live with her unless we are married. It's pretty standard in Alabama, and I get the protection it's supposed to offer children. It's ridiculous in our case because I've spent so many nights in the past couple of years, even when they were still together, just to help with the kids. The last time I was at the house, I did look around and it doesn't look like he's living there, per se. No bags, no spare clothes anywhere. She still has our sentimental things in her bedroom on display. So I'm thinking she's just as messed up by her feelings of needing him to be the one to help her through this dark patch as I am. They were together for 14 years, so even though he was abusive some of the time (that's what makes it so insidious, lots of good times mixed in with the scary abusive times) I understand how she can feel that way. I may not like it, but I understand it. Hopefully time and therapy will break that bond with him.


Ah. I'm glad it isn't discrimination. I still find that law bizarre though, but law in the UK is very different.

Yeah, that is the messed up thing (the good parts with the abusive parts). And when people are vulnerable , it's easy to go back to what feels familiar. And he also may be on his best behaviour right now, which might also make things even more confusing.

Glad you found this site. Lots of wise people on here. And sounds like you are one of them! Sounds like you know her and yourself really well and trying to balance everything and process.
@Movingforward10 Thanks. I have another appt with our therapist Monday morning, so maybe I can get more insight into how long I should wait for her to feel mentally stable enough to talk more about this, before I may have to slowly and gently kind of force the issue. I can't live in limbo indefinitely, and because of how intertwined our lives are now, I at least need some answers sooner than later so I can make an informed decision about how I want to proceed. This is stressful to say the least, and I have a physically taxing job that I have to be functional for. Much more functional than I have been the past few days. We shall see. Oh, what an adventure my life has become...haha.