So Scared And Alone

[NatBird]

@Bloomy

Hi Bloomy,

I can relate - I hear and see that you're working really hard to be on track and now this. I know this, as first time I had PTSD flare, had to stop working and receive state support a similar thing happened.

Sometime the more genuine and competent you appear, the less support you get. Just my experience.

Are there any agencies that can give you independent advice or even further, deal with the letter for you. We have places like that in the UK.
I was reluctant at first because of my addiction to knowing and competence but letting others help meant emptying a bit of the PTSD cup.

Can also relate to the fear or not being able to get out the system. I had the same, for me it was fear of dependence.
The first time around this was really difficult but I had to surrender. Not to the system but to something greater - what else could I do? When I did that, did as much as I could each day and let go of the rest. Things, I started feeling better.

I don't say this thinking it's easy. I know from experience it isnt.

Please try to hand over, get support with as much as you can.

Keep looking after yourself - live foods, exercise.

Keep kindness to yourself at the forefront of your mind.

It will change.

 

[Bloomy]

@Ronin Ive tried to apply for diferent help. The last was a place where they were to be neutral and specially helpfull in these cases. I was there twice. Second time the person with dry comment remarked "oh you are in far worser shit now then the first time you were here" and then "no, we cant help. Call again if it gets worser and you need help". And school doesnt have any influence as they welfare is allmighty and a very stubborn one to obey their own rules.

Its true Im in far worser shit. Waiting for student loan as it might just save me. If not landlord is understandeable and he will not kick me out even if houserent is long over due. He trust that I at some time will be able to pay what I owe. Im prepared to live like student with little money but fact is Im so far below poverty line I ave to live a lie for myself to survive this.

Its just a thing they have here in Noway that they are not willing to let people get education. Welfare system also lives in a lie and that lie is called "there is jobs for eveeryone" Fact is that jobs that before was easy to get now have up to 300 applicants so to make competition and get better chanse one should opt for more education while applying for jobs.

@NatBird yes - I also find that the more genuine and competent the less help. And Im not willing to sell my dignity and beg for mercy.

I realise that Ill not get any help and I cant make my self ask for it anymore as Ive been told no one to many times and realise Ill have a fist if I have any more to do with these "social workers" with their no cant do attitude not realising that I dont have secret banc account in Switzerland and I am far more poor then most people in the worlds richest country. I find this to humiliating when they sit there with theyre high salarys and high attitude not able to realise the gravity of my sitation.

@Kolten Im workin on this mindset cause my life depends on it. Ive made it through before when they tried to f*ck me and so I have the evidence that just maybe I can do this again.

Im trying not to have so much to do with this people cause they drag me down the drain. I cant afford that. As Natbird says Ive let it go the past months. Its just when I need to meet them cause they want to pretend they are social workers or when economy sometimes comes up it bothers me. I have reasons to be stressed, but to be stressed wont help or change things for the better. So yes - as calm as possible one step at the time and keeping my head in the sand not to get anxiety attack.

Otherwise take care of my self as well as possible - do what I can with what I have and praise God and allmighty my dear landlord is such a kind person and that Im still managing to hang in there.

Thanks for support guys - means so much.

 

[Bloomy]

And just to say the final - it really pisses me of that Noway use so much money for building a brave nwe country but cant build brave new people - like me. Goverment use 4 mill norwegian kroner on a toilet in gold on a deserted island where only tourist comes in summertime.
If they had spend far less like 200 000 kr a year I could have been golden to. But nope - they cant show me of to other countries and brag about me so it wont happen. Maybe if they make me like a Michael Jackson gold layered statuet and put me on a mountain top to be bragged about but only then.

I will try not to let anger and bitterness get to me. There must be a way out also for me.

 

[Ronin]

And if politely asking doesn't work, politely informing them you'll report them to (who's their superiors? An organization they respond to, or try to look good for?) for not handling your case appropriately at all and refusing to do their duties as to hear you out, would get you nowhere?

Thinking aloud. Some times it's not even what you can do - but what others think you can do, or would do.

 

[Bloomy]

I can file a complaint @Ronin . It takes a year for them to treat and reply. I dont have a year.

So thinking aloud what I can do - not look for miracles nor help or assistent from others. Im in this and I need to owe it. Okay - I am waiting for miracles. The miracle of a student loan for now and later for job.

Until then I cant do what Ive done all to many times before - drown my self in despair.

Stand firm and not let this get to my nerves in a way that self destruct. Work hard to get where a good life will be possible.

Dont know - feel Im babbling here...

Acknowledge / accept that it is as hard as it is and not feel to ashame in a way that is not constructive?

 

[Ronin]

Dont know - feel Im babbling here...

No you're not babbling, you're explaining, helps others understand.

Acknowledge / accept that it is as hard as it is and not feel to ashame in a way that is not constructive?

Makes sense. What's the worst thing about shame for you, and what does shame do with how you feel about yourself and your day and life?

Multiple different questions but thinking they might be a good place to start, understanding what specifically shame influences in your life, and how does it do that, and that's pretty individual (hence also why I'm asking, I would have no idea what concretely is 'shame' for you, for 'shame' for me may be the same word but entirely different a feeling and what it does).

 

[Bloomy]

@Ronin thanks for takin me serious first of all and your help to clear this in my mind.

Ok here goes a try of explanation - before in younger years I felt so ashamed simply just of being me. Of being alive. It steems from family affairs and many long years of being the goat that scaped. This shame made my behaviour utter self destructive and there by led to further shame since I then by these actions confirmed the family that I were actually exactly what they told me I always was.

After many years on welfare and in deep self self shame I managed to crawl up on two and fulfill education as a trainer. Didnt do so much training nor exercise or activity before I started with this. But got interested as I understood it could be part of something that would make me feel better about my self.

And It did. The education and all the things I needed to master to complete and be a trainer gave me much more confidence then I ever had in my life. It gave me a diferent status Not only in my own eyes but in the eyes of others. I suddenly found my self to be a person of value in other peoples eyes. Even so one to be admired. Whod thought that of a scapegoate such as me.

So this was years I was inbetween feeling good and bad. But I was independent and that was way worth to experience.

Guess the bad was that my shame of being me was still there. I was splitted. Official life and admiration and private life and personal miserê caused by severe untreated ptsd and wounds after public shaming.

Latter caused me to not handle it well when going got tough in workplace and I was bullied by co workers. I see now that if I had been a person feeling good about myself (non traumatic background) I could still have made it even do they did their best to destroy me by their behaviour.

Instead it triggered my shame of being me. I felt like why did I ever think that I could be some body mean something or do something or have any value. Why did I even try to make a better life when I should have known my place. I became in a periode self destructive in a pretty rough way.

I also think this is related to me babbling. Im ashamed of open my mouth really.

After I became member here my shame has become less severe. The acceptance I get here is giving me value back to be a human being and to exist. And I realise now the storm has calmed down a bit that the trainer years also has given me something of higly importance. My customers thought I was skilled. And I still have the offical face as a trainer.

Babbling again -

but shame - makes me feel less of my self. I wasnt supposed to live and after all Ive tried and still tried to get a dignified life I still havent managed. That proves Im not good enough. Not a person of significanse Im ashamed of a life in extreme poverty to not even be able to afford the house I live in. In a country where most people can afford to buy shoes and they wonder what is wrong with me when I cant go out for cinema even cause of the cost.

Does this give any sense at all?

 

[Ronin]

Does this give any sense at all?

A lot of sense, and thank you for giving such deep and detailed context, too. I appreciate your sharing.

I'm wondering, is there anything that makes you feel pride of who you are, that is not dependent on others at all?
Something that makes you feel proud of being, and being exactly who you are. Something that no one's words and acts can touch.

 

[Ronin]

& One way thinking of this maybe might help:

When you don't have a specific face on (or, official trainer face on / not doing that right now), it's still there. The strength from it can be still claimed, felt, breathed in, breathed out. It's something intrinsic to you, it's yours even when not shown to others, it's not existing only when on public display & in interaction with others & in official capacity functions.

The sun is there even when covered by the clouds, too. The sun is there when the moon is up, as well. It hasn't gone anywhere.

 

[Bloomy]

Yes I know this thing about that one should be able to regard one self with out being dependig on regards from others.

What I think Is that if you hardly been regarded by others you dont really have the tools to regard your self either.

Ex: a child that is loved by those who parent it will learn from them to feel loved and valuble. From this the child will intergrate the experience and be able to learn how to value it self and later in life not needing others to confirm it.

A child that has been neglected or misused will not have learned to love it self and will be on the contrary of the first child.

There is the expression of mirroring in psykology. "as without mirroring, establishing connections with other people may be more difficult. Additionally, other individuals may be less likely to build rapport with the person, as without mirroring the person may seem more dissimilar and less friendly." "individuals need a sense of validation and belonging in order to establish their concepts of self"

This I knew allready as young to be a fault in my life. I grew up in family context but in reality I grew up alone raising my self.

So - I need this mirroring in order to be able to learn to validate myself and integrate an inner core that you talk about. Since I the past years had some additional re traumas It made what Ive built up more unstabile and as Ive described above it made me go back to the insecure child that doesnt feel its has its right to exist as the reflextion of the child continue to be that it doesnt belong.

On the positive side I now have my adoptive daughter and some other valuble things that confirms. I can feel that this love and appreciation of my daughter specially has made a huge difference in my life and a difference that was sought after and needed.

Its like a flower. If you dont water it it will not bloom. It will decay and die. But if it get water and care it will blossom and be able to most of the time stand there and shine on its own.

Yes I do have some sun inside of me. Its been hard work to find back to it when the skies kept clouding it self up past years until recently. I kinda lost the little confidence I had of my self.

This is what I understand I need to build up, but as said I cant really make it so well on my own on the base of the described.

What makes me proud - Im strong. Im fit enough and able. This gives me confidence and calm. Its kinda like Ive taken my body back. It now belongs to me. Being fit enough gives me freedom. And also means freedom to overcome. Having a bad day I can go for a walk / run / strength training / yoga or such and Ill be more able to be back to me. I have a crave for adventures and this also gives meaning to my life and not depending on others. Go to explore nature sights and such. Takin photos and creating films and others related.

I used to be proud of my intelligence and need to work in getting that back. I used to be a nerd. Before I lost track.

Appreciate that you listen and talk with me Ronin as it helps me get a clearer picture of it all. Or of me.... I think in some way you are mirroring by our conversation.

 

[Deleted member 36516]

Mennesker sitter alene
i altfor store stuer.
De ber ikke om mye,
bare om et sted å høre til
og kanskje litt lindring
for sine sykdommer og plager,
og de folder hendene rundt fjernkontrollen
og leter i lyset fra tv-skjermen:
Er det noen der som ser meg,
har jeg en familie et sted der inne,
kanskje et nytt vennskap
eller en mild berøring?
Og på skjermen viser det seg
vennlige smil,
hender som rekkes frem
og ivrige stemmer som sier:
Vårt vennskap koster ikke mye,
og Guds velsignelse får du på kjøpet.
Bli en del av familien nå!
Send en SMS,
vipps i vei,
ta opp telefonen og ring oss.
Alt dette sier de.
Men ingen sier:
Salige er de som er fattige i ånden,
for himmelriket er deres.
Og ingen sier:
Salige er de ydmyke,
for de skal arve jorden.
Og ingen sier:
Salige er de som skaper fred,
for de skal kalles Guds barn."

 

[Deleted member 36516]

you never walk alone