How are you and how do you feel right now? - You know what first came to my mind, since nothing was stolen? Your family has something to do with that housebreaking!! - As a reaction to your letter.
Had the loveliest cop come over last night and check things out, he adored our cats and the dog, he was a true sweetie and he stayed and chatted for an hour. He also commented on how awesome the nursery was, and how we'd put a lot of thought into it.
And seriously SweetLullaby, it's funny you say that, because that thought flashed through my mind too! Although a whole heap of gold plated stuff was taken, that my other half bought me as a surprise on the cruise, so I was pretty annoyed about that. That, and my rose gold earrings that my other half bought me spontaneously one day, to go with my ring. He knows how much I love the stuff.
He's actually quite upset and shaken about this, especially about our nursery being violated. I guess I'm so used to having that done to me by my dad that it doesn't have the same level of impact that way, it's more just a sick to my stomach, want to move immediately feeling.
You need to be careful about getting STDs or HIV from your partner.
Other half is paranoid about that, he gets tested as often as the doctor will allow.
This is not true either. He could also use lube.
6-10 times a day, with or without lube will damage the skin eventually.
men are powerless to their sexual urges just perpetuates an ideology
He's not powerless, he has gone for up to 7 months at a time with no sex or intimacy. But I can count the amount of time we've had sex in the past 4 years on one hand. That's not him being powerless, that's him going through hell.
If it was anyone else, I'd say yes, it's a load of absolute bullshit. But he will wait until he's falling in a heap from lack of sleep, a snarly beast from frustration, and unable to concentrate at work or home and its seriously affecting things before he'll actually ask.
So I preempt that happening, and as soon as I see it starting to come back, I send him off to her without him asking. He is like a lot of us on here, very bad at taking care of himself, and knowing what his limitations are.
To give you an idea of how bad the hormonal swings are, his sweating TRIPLES and deodorant doesn't work, the smell becomes so strong that he can have just stepped out of the shower and scrubbed himself thoroughly with soap, and the smell is starting to come back.
Can you imagine how horrible that is for someone who suffers from hygiene related OCD?
I'm trying to tread lightly as I don't want to upset you but I'm also trying to challenge your outlook
Thank you, I really don't mind. You're not nasty, and so it makes dealing with the topic possible, otherwise I'd get too stressed/anxious/triggered.
What happens if a prostitute is not available?
Then he tries to get rid of it through "Mrs Palmer and her 5 daughters"......which never works, and just waits until the pro is available.
it's perfectly normal for a woman at this stage to feel irritable and not terribly interested in sex.
It's almost 5 years quaintpapercut, going from sex 14-20 times a week with a consensual and high participating partner to 0. Pregnancy has compounded things because I had been on a new medication for 3 months where my sex drive was starting to come back, and then it got obliterated by medication withdrawal and being pregnant.
Interestingly, I'm actually physically wanting sex, but as soon as I'm touched intimately, I get triggered. The medication seemed to have been dampening that triggering, and so finally being able to enjoy sex, and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, then having it ripped away is phenomenally frustrating for me.
Sometimes a partner (when your supposed to be in a monogamous relationship) needs to accept that sex and physical intimacy ebbs and flows within the course of a relationship. Do you foresee this as being a long term solution for your relationship?
Once every 6-8 (or even 12+) months is not ebbing and flowing. And no, if you read up, you'll see that I've said that NEITHER of us see this as long term, we both want it over and done with.
I can't tell you how nice it was to finally have some desire back, be on a ship far away from all the shit in the world, in clean nice sheets, and being able to reconnect passionately and enjoyably with the man I love.
And then, 3 weeks later, it's gone.
Truly, this thread and the original post was not about my hurt and frustration of him needing to see the prostitute, but rather frustration at having a glimpse at my old sex drive, starting to enjoy the 'whole' feeling as a partner in a relationship, then having that suddenly ripped away.
You know how some of us get when we are really triggered, dissociated, sleep deprived and so zombie like we cannot hold a conversation or remember the basic things like putting milk in cereal, pouring juice, having a shower and remembering to wash?
When he has been without sex for 3+ months, that's what it's like for him. It's like I'm taking care of myself. It gets so bad that I have to drag myself out of bed because he's so zombied that he can't drive himself to work, pack up his laptop or find a jumper sitting right in front of him.
And then there's the anxiety and depression that starts in. He has low self esteem, and wants everything to be about me, and do everything for me, and I'm the same about him. But when he gets like this I end up taking care of him, and then he gets savagely depressed, and angry because he wants to be taking care of me, and helping me get better in therapy, trying to sleep and taking care of myself and my health, and he can't.
On a really bad day/week........I wake up, make his breakfast, coffee, turn on the TV, lay out his clothes, then wake him up gently (his startle reflex is as bad as mine from previous abuse), help him get up, take him to the shower, remind him to wash certain spots, give him his toothbrush, take it when he's finished, and help him dress.
Then he comes downstairs (the amount of times he's fallen up or down them is ridiculous), wanders around the kitchen aimlessly til I direct him to the couch, and then stares at the TV like a zombie until I bring him his food and coffee.
He eats that, or sometimes spills it, starts swearing and I go get him more clothes, then he gets upset because he created more work for me, and so I spend 10-15 minutes with his head buried in my shoulder while he tries to gather himself and calm down, then I find his keys, wallet, phone, get him to put his work laptop in the car, and then we drive to work and he just stares ahead like a zombie.
When he talks to me about this, he feels so shit that he can't help breaking down, he feels so shit. I know depression, I've lived with it, I've got it, and I sure as hell can recognize it in him. It's going to take a while to teach him the names for what he's going through, and then learning to lose the stigma of the names, and see it for what it really is.
It's really hard coming from an army family of lawyers, surgeons and doctors, fending for yourself with alcoholic, abusive parents, one of whom is an ex Vietnam veteran, to acknowledge, accept and learn to manage this shit when he looks perfectly normal to the outside world.
Does this sound like someone who
can 'help' it?
I have no judgement for him, I just have to learn how to impart the coping mechanisms I learn in therapy to him, and give him as much understanding as I can. This is a handsome, intelligent young man whose career and life has screeched to a baffling halt whilst dealing with my PTSD, the loss of his father, and this goddamned delayed hormonal development.
My psych and I do as much work as possible so that I can try to improve my relationship and myself, but I'm literally starting from scratch, both in therapy and with a new baby, so forgive me if I need to vent my frustration occasionally, I just want this to be over so that I can give my partner the love, attention, mothering, intimacy, friendship and relationship he needs and deserves.
He tries so hard to fulfill my needs, am I allowed to be pissed and somewhat despondant that I can't fill his?
I know most of us have dealt with men that makes us real cynics, but seriously, this man is the best thing that ever happened to me, he's no bullshit artist, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for as long as he needs, he's proven himself to me, and I trust him 100%.
I'll be back to discuss the original topic further, but I think right now, there's other things that are more important to you.
Thank you. I'm feeling pretty tired and awful right now, I had just paid to have my house cleaned on Sunday for the baby shower, now it's a bomb again and I'm just too tired to deal with any of it. So I'm going to sleep, and trying to pretend the house doesn't exist right now.
The only thing I'm acknowledging to myself right now is the presence of my soft bed, my cats and dog, my little girl and my other half. The rest of the world can f*ck off right now, until my brother gets here tonight and I can have a hug off him.
On a more positive note, I bought a whole heap of zip up swaddles for bubs which came this morning, and my drawers for the nursery come tonight so I can organize the nursery better, and do a stocktake.
OH....insult to injury, we went to pick up a nappy bin secondhand yesterday, and the drive was super steep, when my other half went to turn the car around, it slid sideways into the garden retaining wall, and we had to use a winch to get out. Now the bumper has a MASSIVE scrape up the front that we'll have to pay to get fixed.
But for something fun, go look up Amazonas Koala baby hammock. Just bought one, and it's AWESOME! Just set it up this morning as a diversion, and it worked nicely! :p
