General So What Do We Do As Carers... Do We Continue To Try To Make It Work?

[Sunshine71]

Hi guys

Before Xmas hubby wanted to end it all. I had to call the mental health people out - they were even going to come to us Xmas day but we said no as we wanted to just try to enjoy the day and if they came round it would have made it worse.

New Years Eve at 11.45pm as we cuddled up to watch the fireworks he told me he didn't want to live another year. I said then that's it we will have to split up.

He seems to have calmed down and is get on again....

I have found a fairly local place that specializes in PTSD - (in Southend, Essex) and he has had the forms now for 5 weeks and although keeps saying he will fill them in he just doesn't.

The only time I feel a little bit happy is when I am not with him.

When I am with him I feel stressed, have chest pains and feel dreadful.

He is sick and tired of PTSD and doesn't know what he wants - every day is a struggle.

He immerses in himself into his study - spending money despite not bringing in any into the house.

Everytime we talk it is about getting better - we have no conversation.

He is not interested in holding my hand let along anything else.

So..... what do we do as carers... Do we continue to try to make it work?

Do I leave the fact that he doesn't have any support and seems to be getting worse not better?

I keep asking for support to help me understand how to deal with hubby having PTSD - everyone says there isnt any. So how do I know what I am doing is making things worse or better?

Thanks guys and love to you all.

Sunshine x

 

[discarded]

Hi Sunshine. This is the eternal question and only you yourself hold the answer. Each of us as supporters has more than likely asked ourselves the same thing, "can I keep on going like this?", "will things get better?", "why won't he get treatment", and the list goes on. Every situation has similarities when PTSD is involved and yet is unique at the same time. Each of us have differing breaking points, varying levels of patience and understanding of what are sufferers are dealing with. Some of us cope better with the isolating behaviour, some of simply just can't take it anymore.

I can't take it anymore. My patience has run out. I tried so hard to help my husband but he clearly did not want my help in the way it was offered or maybe not at all. He is not yet willing to seek better help than what he is currently receiving, whuch is very minimal and very unproductive. I threatened to leave if he did not start communicating with me and did not get some proper help. In the end I left.

There will come a time when you will know you have reached your limit, when your own mental and sometimes physical health has suffered too much. You need to take care of yourself here. I sort out lots of help for myself in an attempt to better understand his illness and help him. It was always the same story, "we can help you with your issues, he needs to get help for himself, you can't do it for him".

It is a tough way to live, extremely difficult at times for both supporter and sufferer. The decision to stay or leave will never be an easy one either way. When you feel you have done your best to help him and yet you seem to have made no difference, then at least you can walk away knowing you tried. It won't be easy.

I hope he decides soon to sign up for some treatment, it may take a while though. Just don't push too hard to make it happen.
((((hugs))))

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much Discarded and I am sorry of course to read about your situation too.... After 3 years of hell (and years before that of PTSD lurking and rearing its head) I am only just now feeling like a carer and this is a time when we hoped to move forward with our lives.

He is exhausted with it all and I am scared he will end his life is I say I am leaving.

I have already asked if he wants to be with me and our son... he just says where else will I go??

He says he doesn't know what he wants - then he says the only thing he does know is that he loves me and our son.

He seems to have no feelings now, so cold. He says it himself.

Despite you leaving you are still looking at the forum Discarded..... It must still be a big part of your life??

I really appreciate your wonderful reply - look forward to hearing more and sending you love.

Sunshine

 

[BigBear]

Hi Sunshine,

As supporters, our goal must be for them to achieve a life that is reasonably satisfying. But without destroying our selves.

The big problem is that he has to want to help himself! There is absolutely nothing that can be done for him (not even by a psych) until he is willing to actually fight the PTSD. Right now, I think your goal should be to slowly press for working toward healing. Yes, this could mean the destruction of the marriage, but I don't see how you are actually living a marriage now.

Now I may have completely misunderstood you, so if any of this seems wrong, PLEASE ignore me. I have ZERO wish to be of harm.

Bear

 

[amethist]

Hi sunshine

This seems to be a case of "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".

Only you can decide how much longer you can deal with all this, only you can decide what must be done before you break altogether.

Another way you could look at this, how long would you carry on in this relationship if PTSD were not part of it.

I hope for you and your sons sake, you do something to make a difference soon, what ever it is.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I am so sad that you are going through this ordeal. I would suggest you go to the supporters section in the forum and get to know the people going through what you are.

Sometimes they have to hit bottom before they are willing to look at the fact that they need help.

You need to take really good care of yourself right now to keep your sanity. Go to the supporters section and get all of the help and support you need. you are not alone. I wish you the best. I hope for a good outcome for you. Hugs.

 

[MagiLisu]

Am I right in assuming he is not in therapy? If that is the case then really nothing can be done from him until he accepts that he need help. Getting help can be hard, but he needs to want help or else it will be all for nothing.

You need to do what is right for you. If he does receive treatment then this will be hard on both of you, but eventually as long as he is prepared to work at it and he respond to treatment then their may be light at the end of the tunnel.

If he doesn't seek treatment then things may either continue as they are or may even get worse. There is very little chance that they will get better.

The most important thing is that you look after yourself, or else you risk making yourself ill.

 

[Toria]

Hello Sunshine - you mention a place and some forms. Could you get someone from the place to come and talk to him to go through the work that they would do with him and maybe try to encourage him to fill in the forms. Looking at it from his point of view (don't shout at me!!!) it must be very scary - I don't know how he actually sees it, but I would hazard a guess he either thinks he's signing his life away, or he sees it as his last chance to change and is worried that it wont work.

Thinking of you and hoping that you can get him moving in the right direction xxx

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much everyone - your words and advice are all so appreciated.

The past few days have been OK ish -I Know he has just forced himself to put on an OK face as it was my birthday.

Today we chatted about ideas for his business - he doesnt seem that keen on me giving him advice sadly - howver I do love business anyway!

I popped back in doors just now - he was sitting slumpped with one of those looks on his face.

He said he is rubbish, who is he kidding he cant make it as a photographer and will go back to his old job that he hates.

He turned over the piece of toast that was under the grill for me and just went back up stairs.

I followed a few minutes later.... and he is still in a fowl mood however doesnt remember coming down stairs, talking, or anything.

I am so tired with it all........

So I come out to my office check into this wonderful forum and now just work... Not sure what else I can do.....

Sunshine

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I want to thank all of you supporters. You help me so much.

I am a caregiver with ptsd. I am responsible for my husband who has parkinsons and dementia.

Everything you go through and how you handle things helps me to do my caregiving duties. My husband is fading fast and you help me with the things you do and say. I apply these things to my situation with my husband and the attitude helps.

He is not talking to me like he used to and he is not being affectionate like he used to. He keeps to himself and I am lonely even with him here. I am housebound except for occasional outings. I go out for frappes everyday.

Anyway I really appreciate all of you and you have helped me so much to take care of myself and do good things for my husband. Hugs to all.

 

[Invisible-Guy]

Hi Sunshine, sorry to hear about your husband and what you're both going through. He will get better. (hopefully he's willing to get some kind of help) keeping that in mind, remember that it's going to take baby steps. Maybe it would help to encourage him to take up at least one of his old interests/hobbies. No matter how much he pushes you away, he still loves you, it's just the PTSD talking. Avoidance, disassociation, and secluding are all pretty common. I honestly push people away still, including my wife, but time really does seem to heal all wounds. If he's not able to work or go to school, don't let him place all his self worth on external achievements. (I'm constantly beating myself up for these reasons) In reality, there is so much more to humanity than superficial prosperity, but our culture is so hard wired to social status that we seem to forget about all the values in ourselves and others.

 

[discarded]

Hi Sunshine. Please don't let the fear of him taking his life keep you from doing what is best for you. If you feel you have done all that you possibly can and things really are that bad then you need to put aside that fear and leave. There is every chance that he would view your leaving as his queue to get help to save his marriage. It really is an awful position to be in. When I decided to leave my husband my therapist warned me that the outcome might not be good, that him taking his life might be the worst case scenario but one I should be prepared for. I was terrified at the thought. Fortunately he didn't. He didn't do anything at all, didn't get help, just drinks his life away. Hang in there, he might see the light sooner than you think.