Socialising

[Mallaky]

I am unable to socialise. I just _cannot_ do it. It makes me anxious, and I find it tedious, boring, awfull. Sorry for my language here, but its the best way I know how to put it: I find it very, very hard to give a shit about the stuff most people talk about. And I suspect it is the other way around, too, haha.

I understand that socialising is an important part of life, and I want to do it, but only in the future, never in the now. I would like to have friends, after I lost the 4 I had over the last 6 years, sigh. But, how?

I am very bad with the last sentence in thread openers, hmm. Anybody got any experience with this? (ugh)

 

[franciemarnie]

I was alone for many many years. I worked all week and then came home Friday and didn't leave the apt. until Monday morning. I know part of why I did this was to control my environment, limit the triggers, etc.

Another reason was because I was so damned depressed. I had no energy, no organic interests that involved socializing in part because my real self was so buried, it couldn't get a peep out.

Another reason was I was totally alienated from people who didn't share my experience. The differences between us felt so vast to me, that I felt there was no point. Especially when I saw them so enthusiastically embrace life and ordinary recreational activities that I hadn't the slightest feel for.

People like me didn't seem to be out there. I could have felt kinship there. Maybe they were alone in their apartments too.

Ultimately I became addicted to painkillers in part to create a feeling however false of wellbeing (and to "control" my inner states). When that stopped working and I joined a support group, that was a huge help. I had common ground with these people and I met some others there with trauma like me.

I love being with people. It's just that for years I felt sort of sunk in a dark hole and couldn't find my way out.

Just some thoughts.

 

[Mallaky]

Hello. This sounds very encouraging. Would love to know more.

Was that a PDST support group? I tried to find one, but there was nothing at all in my region.

 

[franciemarnie]

Hi Mallaky.

I love your name.

I'm afraid it wasn't a PTSD support group. Eleven years ago I didn't know that that was definitely what I had.

I went to a 12 step group for drugs and alcohol and incidentally met people there that were also like me in more than addiction.

I know there is in the forum a section where people start up a thread to meet up with PTSD people in their cities or towns.

 

[Mallaky]

Haha, thank you. It is not my real name, just for the internet.

I could not find that forum section/thread.

After you met with those people, did your interaction with "normalos" improve?

 

[franciemarnie]

Mallaky - not to be confused with malarkey? Hee, hee.

Yes, I could finally relate to normallos, but it took a few years for me. I think it took strengthening my sense of self, recognizing who I was, understanding the diagnosis of PTSD and discovering I responded normally to an abnormal situation and therefore wasn't inherently defective and having enough sort of bonding experiences with people like me before I could though.

Since I married at 52 and retired from 9 to 5 and don't really have the social scene I was exposed to when I was single and a kid, meeting new people doesn't come up as much as it did - not like when I was in my 20's and people were rollerblading or going up in hot air balloons and stuff. Not that there is or was anything wrong with that, but it was tougher for me then - being so lost and everyone around me looking like they were having the time of their life.

I will check where they have that thread about meeting people here.

 

[franciemarnie]

Check under Forums, General, Find A Friend.

 

[Loner]

You say you have no interest in what most people talk about, well, most people are boring, petty, gossipy, stupid, narrow minded, etc. I find them boring too.

Seems like you just gotta find more interesting people (ok im deliberately simplifying asif theres no ptsd) to hang with. You gotta be fine just meeting people but doing your own thing untl you find the ones you connect with more.

 

[Mallaky]

Thank you two! Its funny getting social advise from a selfproclaimed "Loner", haha.

So you think its not they I have to try harder to interested in boring stuff? Always thought it was my fault.

Thanks for the help franciemarnie!

 

[Loner]

Yea for most of my life I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't connect with most people. Then I realized most people just kind of suck, and even without the social issues and ptsd, I probably wouldn't connect with that many people anyways. I can connect a little bit with almost anyone, I enjoy talking to strangers, being friendly and helpful to people, but there arent that many people who I connect to in any way that makes me want them in my life repeatedly.

I kind of think that even with NO ptsd truama or self doubt, etc, EVERYONE struggles to find people who they connect with. People are just so different, into different things, at different places in their journies, attracted to different things in others. Going through some really horrible things can make you in touch with yourself/life in ways most people would prefer to remain ignorant of.

I dunno, people are weird crazy animals. Don't read to much into it. Just focus on being the person you want to be and accept that people will react poorly and strangely even to the best in you, because of the worst in them.

 

[dnp]

I have problems socializing and I think of it like being Dr. Evil in Austin Powers. He goes to group therapy with his son and the therapist asks him about his childhood. He says "I had a normal childhood" and then proceeds to tell a very abnormal tale to the shock and discomfort of everyone around him. I feel like there aren't that many personal questions I can answer about my life without shocking or horrifying people if I were to answer honestly. I have to either lie or evade the question.

Most people I've met have been respectful of me when I've evaded questions. But some have been very aggressive towards me and a few have been downright cruel. I reached a point where I felt like I couldn't cope with anymore cruelty and started to isolate socially.

I feel like if I can just normalize enough of my life, I can have enough of a normal life story to present to others and I can socialize again. But I don't know how to go about acquiring that normal life.

 

[Mallaky]

I feel you. It was hell back in school, with the added pressure to fit in.

I told lies upon lies about how my life and family is. Very on guard to not let any truth slip out. Maybe understanding that anxiety and vigilance will help me with my socializing problems. I do not think anybody can socialize well when they are tense as a pianostring.