Someone Who Triggers Me....need A Another Perspective!

[Rani G2]

I know I have been asking similar questions over and over again. Its a lot about “Power“ and “submission“. I have massive issues with people who come across dominant and authorative. Not all people who embody these traits are triggering me, but some very much. I get aggressive, or I manipulate, behave in strange ways. I have been going through this so many times with my T but there is a person in my family background who is triggering me.

Maybe someone has another viewing angle on this:

There is a women, whom I meet once in a while, I know she likes me, and I kind of admire her, as she comes off strong and very individualistic. She too has psychological issues and is quite guarded. Every time I see her she comes off very reserved and private. She is good with words, and is not someone who gives up easily.

I once had a small argument with her, and I felt she defeated me, the thing was I was the one who began with the argument, she made her position clear, I still felt that she won. But if I look closely there was no winner or loser. I misunderstood something. Every time I see her, I want to show her that I am powerful, and I feel she is stronger than me and I absolutely hate it. I dont know why this is so extreme with this person. I like her but I kind of feel that she is able to hurt me. What is this? This is the thing, some of these people who trigger me have probably similar traits to the person I grew up with. My therapist says, she is very similar to me, and that this is a mirroring of my own self. But, why do I feel she is so powerful, and I feel minor being around her? As if she thinks, I cannot be strong, I am weak.

She never attacked me, she even complimented me on something. What is this? Writing this I feel like a child, crying, no one sees me, I dont feel connected. I feel hatred, as I dont feel that anyone gives me attention.

I am blind! I hope anyone has another perspectve.

Shankara

 

[talon]

I know I have been asking similar questions over and over again. Its a lot about “Power“ and “su...

Look up the 10 Life Laws. An insecure person or someone who feels challenged will often be defensive . Sometimes the best form of defense is attack. From what you write this lady may see you as an equal or even superior in intellect so she does not allow this to be revealed. When I was in management I was taught a simple trick to deal with challenging behaviour. It was a simple phrase " I hear what you are saying but " followed by the reality of the situation . This beat the opposition when repeated into submission being assertive without being offensive. The 10 Life laws will teach you what you need to deal with such situations .

 

[The Albatross]

I agree with the idea that you are mirroring. It alters perceptions and affects relationships. Seems to me that you have become aware of your maladaptive coping (" I get aggressive, or I manipulate, behave in strange ways.") and are trying to examine this recent situation with your acquaintance.

I would suggest that it is not SHE who thinks, "... she is so powerful, and I feel minor being around her? As if she thinks, I cannot be strong, I am weak" --- but yourself. It may be a core belief or a pattern of behavior that needs to be dealt with. I'd definitely dig deeper on this one with my shrink.

 

[Rani G2]

'd definitely dig deeper on this one with my shrink.

THere lies the problem, lets say I dont see movement there. I always, constantly think about this, its almost like a obsession. Spiritual people might say, "Here you are being mirrored, now you have the possibility to look closer, figure out, fill the puzzle".
But I see walls, and dont get closer to it. I see my acting out, but where is the "clicking" aha effect.

I am still trampeling the old shit.

Urghhhh

 

[Justmehere]

Insight alone doesn't always lead to behavioral change. Don't be too hard on yourself.

In terms of changing this pattern, what are you afraid of? Start there.

Sometimes when someone is obsessing about a subject, they are avoiding something painful and/or scary. That's what most defense mechanisms are about: avoidance of real or perceived pain.

What would happen if this pattern changed? What would "success" in getting past the wall look like? How do you feel about that? Start there, and you might figure out why you have such resistance to change.

The walls are keeping something back. My therapist says she never tries to take down a wall until she understands at least a little of why it is there. Sometimes we are not ready or are too scared to face what is behind it, or sometimes we need more tools to handle the fears that created the walls.

 

[Rani G2]

What would happen if this pattern changed? What would "success" in getting past the wall look like? How do you feel about that? Start there, and you might figure out why you have such resistance to change

thanks justmehere, it makes sense, what you say. After I see this person, this whole " I-am-less-worth-because-I-am-weak" programm is running. It bothers me, I cry, I feel miserable. So yes there is a relocation maybe, its not about her, NO. I understand that, but what comes out of that. Its a triggered response. I still dont dig that deep in my history.

Thanks for reading Justmehere!

Shankara

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I know I have been asking similar questions over and over again. Its a lot about “Power“ and “su...

In my past, and also still some in my present, I still allow people who are "dominant" and "controlling" which for me are other words for how they live which is in their own fear and darkness of not taking off their masks and living a masquerade and not letting light in and not discontinuing their fake mother/child scenarios with others. Then there are those who are healthier and at times,I misperceive and misunderstand them and I am labeling them as domineering, when in fact they are grounded and expressing how strong within they truly are in their thoughts and deeds. However, that said, I do strongly believe from torture/violent background that there are sick-expletive whacked dominating people who know only how to exist to futilely attempt to control and dominate others. Some play life as a chess game - win or lose and when I do this I am always on the losing end of any relationship. Not my monkeys and not my circus! My monkeys can fly!

And unless holidays, I simply try and fly right up and away from negative, domineering fellowships, relationships, etc. One thing I have learned about life for certain - life is all about change; I change; other people change; we all change all through life. I get in ruts and I don't have to stay in ruts. When I still react instead of - act positively - to unsuccessfully try and protect myself, I am repeating old (taught by scary, dark and negative people whom some live to only control others because they feel so inferior and out-of-control with themselves) - their lethal, destructive behaviors. I still oftentimes repeat taught and familial (unhealthily taught) behaviors of what I was exposed to by so-called "caregivers" mother, father, sister, babysitter, child-molester, dr. who sex. assaulted, foster people, and on up into my adulthood I self-perpetuated these unhealthy behaviors with - bosses, co-workers, friends, intimate relationships, etc. And I unfortunately unconsciously am still familially attracted to sick people who are not in recovery, and who are not diagnosed and/or refuse to seek therapeutic help, and I am learning to say again not my monkeys, not my circus! I don't have to interact with people whom I allow to cause me to feel inferior. Done it. Over it. Period. I don't hang around and interact with people who suck the life force out of me due to their own illness and sick proclivities. I know as I go through EMDR therapy I spend too much time alone, yet I am learning an awful lot through journal entry about my own self. Imagine that. I never had a self before!

I am much more aware of the elevation/diminish returns dialogue now having dealt with this particular dialogue in relationships most all of my life. I through holidays am most vulnerable; and tend to either parent, or act like dismissive and angry child until finally I am able to pull away and see that I am either allowing others to control me, or I am feeling isolated and set myself up for this particular abuse by another. Still identifying and learning Shankara! I will never arrive will always continue to be learning. And now I am able to end relationships that prevent my own important growth and nurturing self-love.

I cannot truly love anyone unless I am continually trying and learning to love myself. I hated me forever - hated me! (now EMDR). I have tried this relationship with familial people of elevation/diminishing returns and many times have been left feeling lost, dejected, insulted, ripped apart, and dominated and I perceive things that are not true at times and have to check myself by being honest about what I said and how I said it, and what my motives are/were, etc. If it does not feel loving and giving and reciprocal then for me it is not love and I need to move on and do so.

In EMDR (5th? session now) the brain is being numbed a lot (desensitized) from the extreme torture and trauma Shankara; and I'm being taught through these sessions to not accept unacceptable behavior. My gut intuition tries and tells me when someone has overreacted to me and is pounding on me either verbally or mentally. There are healthier people out there who do not need someone to elevate their emotional/psychological social status by diminishing others with their senseless, and destructive to others modus operandi. I don't know what they are doing to themselves ex. drinking to excess; drugging; gambling; cutting; anorexia; bulimia, laxatives, porn, etc. We all have secrets and some we do not allow light to reveal and then heal us. I want to expose my sicknesses to light and try, only try to learn to love myself for the first time ever. Some people do not know how to give and take in a relationship and they only listen long enough with only the intent to hear themselves talk, make snap judgments, not to actively listen to what we are try to say to them, and they miss out on knowing who we are and I miss out on knowing who they are. Sad. So very sad.

I must be careful whom I allow to take the work that God and EMDR and my Christian sisters and brothers are trying to teach through their own decades of living struggling, and joyful lives to teach within me ( a mighty, mighty work and transformation that's going on here) and not one relationship is worth stopping and destroying my journey to try and discover who Jade is, what Jade believes, what Jade thinks, and feels. I have allowed others to think, feel, and render me helpless and suicidal all of my life, Shankara. And that part of me is dying as I continue in EMDR therapy. So grateful. Oh, so grateful. Working hard, hurting so much in sessions; got to; can't stay here anymore. I A part of me needs to die in order for me to come out of my cocoon so to speak. I want so much to change and metamorphosis into a woman with my own beliefs, opinions, and yet still care about others' thoughts and feelings as well, without getting enmeshed and tangled into their beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. I must separate myself and be autonomous and cultivate my own foundation and I learn so much from so many wise women, men in my life today (at church), and around me in my everyday life, Shankara.

I will try to never again give free rein (carte blanche) to anyone who either intentionally or unintentionally (consciously or unconsciously) doesn't matter - is interrupting and preventing me from growing into a stronger more self-aware, self-loving, and strong woman that I have always wanted to be, and it's not to late! It's never too late. Shankara sending you humongous huggers and cheek kissers and lots of love and comfort! Snuggles too! Not trying in the least to fix you or anyone else, sharing only my experience, strength and hope this day - for tomorrow, Shankara. :) :) :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Forgive me @Shankara I'm sure my mind isn't absorbing all it should. I can only say:

I once had a small argument with her, and I felt she defeated me, the thing was I was the one who began with the argument, she made her position clear, I still felt that she won

Not sure of the context of this ^^- is it running interference on you? (I do not know the context), or is it even necessary to 'win'/ 'lose'?

I can only say a few thngs come to mind (IMHO only) as Jade said in essence 'no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" (although I know easier said than done, and matters whether it's your trigger or their intention).

From what you've said it is a trigger, but I've found triggers as simple as the way eyeglasses look, to the other end of the spectrum of intentional mind f*cks or gut instinct mistrust.

I also have to discriminate what is projection & fear (related to the past), or the presence of fear from accurately assessing the present based on wisdom from the past.

The core of the feelings may relate to the content of the 'argument'/ (non-argument) itself, or a feeling of being helpless, or gut instinct, or or or.

I hope it gets easier for you. Hopefully they (& no one else) are in a position to harm you nor will. :hug:

 

[The Albatross]

"I always, constantly think about this, its almost like a obsession." A pivotal moment for me was a book a long time ago that fell into my hands, that deal with compulsive thinking tendencies: The Toxic Triangle: Eating, Drinking, Overthinking OR... Women Who Think Too Much both by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm... this statement is quite loaded for me Jadesjewel: "I still allow people who are "dominant" and "controlling" which for me are other words for how they live which is in their own fear and darkness of not taking off their masks and living a masquerade and not letting light in and not discontinuing their fake mother/child scenarios with others." Seems to me to be rather aloof and removed. Just sayin'.

 

[Rani G2]

Jadesjewel and junebug!

Thank you very much, for your replies! I feel a bit as if I'm retarded, thinking too much and being so tired

Thanks everyone!

 

[Tinyflame]

@Shankara I find when I'm tired (always) not much makes sense.

For me, I suppose geunuiness & authenticity mean the most. Also some people disagree a lot, others are on a different wavelength,

I once had a woman who was genuine approach me but she was connecting dots- or assuming- info I hadn't shared, which freaked me out so much to this day years later I avoid her. Last time I bumped in to her I smiled & waved, she approached me and asked if she had done something to offend me? I said great she asked because the answer was no. Perhaps later I thought she wasn't quite as genuine as regards my well-being, as it was a deluge of rain I had 10 bags, and she didn't ask if I needed a ride, I have no doubt I looked exhausted, but just reduce feeling uncomfortable herself . :roflmao: But me being me I would have said no lol.