Relationship Sometimes i feel empty inside

[Dominik24]

Hey everyone, been a while since I logged into here.

Quick background: engaged to a wonderful young woman, who had to go through hell in her childhood (CSA by her step-father).

Now, I don't know what I want to get from writing this, maybe just something off my chest? I don't know.

Things are great in and of itself. My fiancée and I can talk about pretty much everything. In other words, I usually always know what's up, when she's in a bad mood, shut down emotionally, and so on.

I can remember, when first coming onto this forum, reading a lot of posts advising supporters to take care of themselves. I also remember thinking 'well, yeah. I'm a pretty positive person who's always able to entertain myself (reading, sport, Netflix, etc.)'.

Well... here we are.

Positive attitude? Ehm...
Energy? Ehm...
Interest in hobbies? Ehm...
Self-confidence? Ehm...

Now, don't get me wrong, those things are all still there. Just, a little bit out of reach, like I have to try really hard to reach them. For example, listening to specific songs to feel a warm feeling inside my stomach. Thinking a while about my goal in this or that to actually do this or that. Boost my confidence with reading a book or thinking conscously about it.

If I don't do this, I tend to feel... I don't know... empty?

Not empty-empty, but more like currently out of order empty. If I make any sense, lol.

What caused that? I don't know exactly, I can only guess.

It's been more than 1.5 years since we've been intimate with each other. That's one big aspect I think. Not sex or anything. Just the intimacy. The feeling of being loved, attractive and been shown feelings.

Sometimes I wanted to shut down emotionally, so the rejections may not hurt that much. But I didn't really want to become emotionally numb...

Like I said, I don't have an end goal with this post. No expectation of an aha-moment-answer.

Just... did you ever experience something like that? Numbing emotionally, because your partner did/does it for a while now?

How do you get yourself out of this emotional numb state?

Maybe it's important to mention that I didn't lose a single bit of emotions for my fiancée, or just anyone else. Those emotions are all there and I can reach them. It's just that my standard state went into this kinda empty one, where I can't feel much about anything, until I conscously try to.

Thanks for your replies :)

 

[Hojay]

Oddly, this does sound familiar. Almost as if there’s a layer of dust on top of spontaneous, deep emotion. In my situation, I can trace it back to a few things: the horrific fights (which have gotten much less horrific with time,) a bit of compassion fatigue, trying, but sometimes failing to distance myself from his intermittent negativity and underlying stress. All of the above has caused me to numb for self protection (emotionally; because you just can’t be at the whim of someone’s up and downs all the time.) You can’t tune out feelings selectively. Trying to tune out the bad will cause you to tune out everything, the good, great, or mediocre.

Now that things are more stable with my guy, I’m coming out of that funk. Part of that has been to lovingly detach (not tune out) his reality from mine. It took some growing for me to stand firmer in who I am, what I believe in, and what my limits are, but that’s made a world of difference.

The lack of intimacy is a big deal. It sounds like you’re lacking basic human connection in that sense. There’s no easy remedy for that, but it’s important for you to acknowledge that your needs matter too.

Not sure if this helps...

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you contradict yourself a bit, maybe out of denial? Things don’t sound great, in and of itself... I wouldn’t get married unless you can improve on these issues. A relationship with no intimacy sounds like a big deal to me.

 

[Dominik24]

Thanks @Hojay it definitely helps!

You put a lot of things into great words, that I myself couldn't. :)

@EveHarrington thanks for your message. I understand what you mean.

Of course, looking at all that, things are not great in and of itself in the sense of everything's great. What I meant (english is not my first language), is, that we both talked about those issues, we talk openly about what's bothering both of us when it's needed. So, it's not like she emotionally shut down and rejects me while I'm sitting there, not knowing what I did wrong.

I knew from the beginning of our relationship, what she went through in her childhood.

Life is tough for her. Suffering from Crohns Disease, back arches due to the medicaments and currently stress in her job - all on top of the PTSD from her trauma. I think this would destroy a longing for intimacy in a lot of people, PTSD or not.

So, I don't blame her for it. I understand it and knew it from the beginning.

I am just struggling with keeping my own self esteem up without the intimacy. Feeling wanted if you are not wanted at the moment. Handling the, like Hojay said, lack of basic human connection, without shutting down emotionally.

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like you’re denying your own needs because of her struggles. I understand that you are understanding of her issues, but all the understanding in the world isn’t going to make you feel ok with denying your own needs.

This is what I call someone trying to intellectually override what they need in life. The truth is that you can’t do it. Intimacy is a very basic human need. You can’t just say “oh my partner had it rough so I’m going to throw my needs out the window!” You’re reacting the way that you are because you aren’t gettin your needs met. If things don’t change, I don’t really see it getting better. There is no substitute for getting our needs met.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Some of the feelings you describe are familiar to me.....

Positive attitude? Ehm...
Energy? Ehm...
Interest in hobbies? Ehm...
Self-confidence? Ehm...

Now, don't get me wrong, those things are all still there. Just, a little bit out of reach, like I have to try really hard to reach them.

Those are things I felt when I was depressed. Lack of motivation to do anything. Nothing gets your engine revving. Or you have to fake it til you make it with activities that were once pleasurable.

I was depressed when I was going through some of my own stuff....it didn't have to do with my partner. But very similar feelings.

I got a therapist during that time. I only went twice because of money and she and I didn't click .... but talking about it to an attentive listener and getting feedback of things to try helped me a lot.



Separately....I get this too.....

The feeling of being loved, attractive and been shown feelings.

Sometimes I wanted to shut down emotionally, so the rejections may not hurt that much.

When my honey is isolating this SUUUUCCCKKKKSSSS. I have to take it day by day and sometimes hour by hour. Some days/hours I have to "ignore him" so he can't hurt me with his "rejections".

For me, this means not texting him things I would normally tell him so that I am not disappointed when he doesn't respond. Its giving him a kiss on the head goodbye instead of the lips so it doesn't hurt me when he doesn't kiss me back or even look up from his phone or TV. Or maybe even not saying goodbye at all. Its making my own meals of food he doesn't like so there's another reason for him to not eat with me (and bonus....I get to eat delicious food that I don't eat often!). Its girls nights out and spending the night elsewhere so I don't see him place himself on the edge of the bed as far from me as possible.

Now....for me, the maximum this has ever lasted is 4-6 weeks.....and just those 4-6 weeks I have to actively distract myself so I don't get caught up in what HE is going through and let it bring me down too much. But 1.5 years is a looooonnnnngggg time. I'm not sure I could stick around for that long.

How do you get yourself out of this emotional numb state?

If I don't do this, I tend to feel... I don't know... empty?

Not empty-empty, but more like currently out of order empty. If I make any sense, lol.

Those ^ are the sentiments that worry me. You mentioned that English is not your first language so I am hoping that "empty" is not the best word choice for what you're trying to express.

If "empty" and "numb" really are what you're feeling..... I urge you to see a counselor or therapist. It sounds like you need some help coming back....and it sounds like you may need a bigger push than you can get from internet friends to indulge in self care.

Hugs to you! You're fiancee is lucky to have you! But don't lose yourself. That won't be good for either of you.

 

[Mytime]

I think I understand how your feeling. You love your partner, you don’t want to be with anyone else. For the most part you communicate well. You can laugh and have fun together. You feel the love you share strongly. Theirs emotional intimacy, maybe some cuddling, holding hands, little kisses here and there. You share the I love you’s. You get that feeling when you see them and you do feel happiness and love. Then there’s the no physical intimacy (sex). So your relationship feels like it’s missing, the flirting, the sexual glances, the sexual joking, feeling like someone desired you, wants you, feeling sexy. You try to suppress that physical attraction so you don’t feel that rejection. But then you lose that sexy feelings, then you start to lose some self esteem. You feel raw and exposed.
You start to isolate in fear that people can see it. You can at time feel vulnerable.
Yep it sucks!!

 

[Dominik24]

It sounds like you’re denying your own needs because of her struggles. I understand that you are understanding of her issues, but all the understanding in the world isn’t going to make you feel ok with denying your own needs.

This is what I call someone trying to intellectually override what they need in life. The truth is that you can’t do it. Intimacy is a very basic human need. You can’t just say “oh my partner had it rough so I’m going to throw my needs out the window!” You’re reacting the way that you are because you aren’t gettin your needs met. If things don’t change, I don’t really see it getting better. There is no substitute for getting our needs met.

It's more like, I know that I do not take enough care of my own needs. But not, because I deny having them, rather because I don't know how to fulfill them on a lot of days. It's not that I could pinpoint what I need or want, other than... Idk... feeling good in my own skin?

The thing is, when I wrote that our relationship is great I meant it this way. Yes, intimacy is lacking, but for me that's not a reason to doubt a relationship with a person you love more than anything else, enjoy every second you spend with her, can laugh for hours, can talk about serious stuff for as many hours, know every little bit, including the reasons for the lack of intimacy. In fact, it's not even a reason, at least for me, to thinking about doubting the relationship.

What I doubt, though, is that I know how to really take care of myself. I mean, I can spend hours and days on my own without getting bored (reading, watching Netflix, hitting the gym, etc.) and I always was like that. Loving to spend time with others, but also being able to spend time with myself and enjoying it just the same.

But, somehow I forgot to enjoy myself. Can't remember when was the last time I looked into the mirror and just smiled (maybe kinda silly, but on some days I actually used to do that).

Probably it's a lack of confidence. But why? That's my problem. I lost 55 lbs in two years due to looking after my calorie-intake and hitting the gym. Some days I feel awesome because of it, but like with other stuff, I have to consiously remind myself of it.

When I wrote that inital post I felt shitty, but all the replies in here and some further reading helped me out of that hole I felt stuck in. You know, that emotional state before you are able to see things from different perspectives. What the lack of intimacy probably does, is to make it hard for me to keep my confidence up, that smiling in the mirror when you're alone in the bathroom type of attidude.

I need to find ways to increase my confidence, maybe that's what needs are? That feeling good thing? I don't know...

Those are things I felt when I was depressed.

Yes. That's what I think from time to time, that I may suffer from depression. Not because of the relationship or lack of intimacy. But because of my own problems. I think I mentioned somewhere in here that I'm suffering from OCD, a mental illness that can take huge attacks at your confidence, and also can take a lot of joy out of your life.

I'm fighting it, but some days are tougher than others.

Now....for me, the maximum this has ever lasted is 4-6 weeks.....and just those 4-6 weeks I have to actively distract myself so I don't get caught up in what HE is going through and let it bring me down too much. But 1.5 years is a looooonnnnngggg time. I'm not sure I could stick around for that long.

It's not like she isolates a lot, fortunately. It's more like she, and that's how she explains it, sits in a cage. Nobody can really get in there with here, and she can't get out more than putting her hands through the bars. She says, she knows her feelings, it's just like she can't reach or use them.

This and all the physical struggles (Crohn's Disease in a heavy form, side effects from medication like daily back pain) are a lot of weight to carry for one person, who's only 23 years old and already had so many years of living in hell to survive.

We're fighting this together. Enjoying all the good things during it, like going to the gym together, losing weight together (she's down 33 lbs so far), watching our favorite tv shows, or simply sitting together talking, laughing :)

If "empty" and "numb" really are what you're feeling..... I urge you to see a counselor or therapist. It sounds like you need some help coming back....and it sounds like you may need a bigger push than you can get from internet friends to indulge in self care.

It's kinda hard to put in words really, in german aswell as in english.

It's not like I'm not feeling anything. It's more like on some days there's so much going on in my head, that all comes crushing down, leaving me with a dusty room where I don't know what to feel.

Thank you for your kind words and the time you put into writing them!

I think I understand how your feeling.

Thank you! I loved your post, because it really described how it does feel!

 

[Dominik24]

Just reading those posts here now almost made me cry... especially considering my original post was from June 2018 and we had 3 weeks of vacation shortly after that.

On Thursday (yep, on Valentine's day), my fiancée broke our engagement via WhatsApp and left to live with another guy she met 2 weeks ago before I got home from work. Our wedding was scheduled for May 18 of this year.

I don't even know where to start.

Maybe with the moment I received her two texts telling me she can't keep on going this way and has packed a few things and can get a free room in the guy's flat share.

Even now, 5 days later, and hours of thinking and thinking and thinking it still came ouf of nowhere for me. And I mean it. Out. Of. Nowhere.

I can't even describe the feeling in that moment and onward since. It's like everything I believed and relied on, everything that was important to me, broke away in the blink of an eye. Or in the few blinks it took to read her two messages.

The guy I mentioned is someone she met over work (he's an IT guy who had some work to do at the doctor's office she works as an assistant). They started writing after she had to write him something work related. She even sent me the screenshots, worrying I may think something wrong about her interactions with him. In those screenshots (from Monday the 4, 10 days before she left), she told this guy that she wanted to make it clear from the offset, that she is in a serious relationship, engaged and happy, telling him that so he doesn't get the wrong vibes for may think there's more involved than friendship (also telling him that she always enjoyed friendships with guys more, since she seemed to come of a little bit offputting to many women due to her direct and open character).

Now, here's where the trouble started.

His reply to that was something like "Yes I know, I already stalked you a bit on Facebook and hence lowered my expectations".

From this moment on I didn't trust him. I also told her that, saying that she hopefully knows that this guy is interested in her.
But I trusted HER. I trusted her to not give a shit if this guy is interested in her, since, in her own words, she's in a relationship with me and knows where she belongs.

So I felt uneasy, considering that the wrote and wrote and wrote. I don't know for sure, but I can only assume that they wrote pretty much the whole time. She even wanted to watch "normal" TV instead of a series on Netflix (as usual, if we were not playing video games together) to "relax a bit and look through Instagram, YouTube and stuff", which pretty much translated to "so I can write with him".

Please note that while this may sound super obvious now telling it this way, it wasn't in those moments. Sure, I had a eery feeling that there may be something up, but I never had a reason not to trust her and felt like it may just be because of my own insecurities (especially considering the lack of intimacy mentioned in the above posts). So I kept my mouth shut most of the time, especially because she was so freaking normal to me all that time. Yes she was more on her phone, but she didn't treat me obviously different, we had the same amount of fun and some really great days in that 10 day span.

Then came friday. We spent the whole evening just the two of us, watching Grimm on Netflix (our then current series) and played some COD Blackops 3 together (a habit we got into after we played it at my brother's together and really enjoyed the splitscreen playing). Saturday was absolutely funny and great, we had a really good time while doing the usual saturdays rituals like going grocery shopping for the week and cleaning the flat (we lived together since January 2018). We had such fun on that day, went to dinner with the family at a greek restaurant were she showed some of that intimacy I missed so much, like hugging me lovely out of nowhere and cuddling (which she started doing more the last few weeks). Then we went to the cinema afterwards with two friends.

Then came Sunday.

We were at the wedding location to plan everything, just her, me and her mother. This was at 3pm. At 5pm the guy she wrote the whole time with came to visit us.

I can't remember if it was Saturday or maybe just Sunday morning that she told me (a bit reluctant, probably because she knew how I felt about him), that "he would come by in the evening to chill a bit with us."

No "is that okay?" like usual. Still I told her that I'm not really okay with that. She didn't bother.

So he came by and what followed was probably the weirdest 6 and a half hours I ever experienced. It felt like I was the witness of their first date. I told her that after he finally left but she just laughed it off.

And I have to admit, even then I didn't think too much of it, because that feeling of it being like a date arose only from HIS site. Not HERS. He sat there and talked about some "girl's I used to date" stories. Tried to get some small body contact, like holding something she wanted to take a little bit longer so they were a bit closer. She didn't really do much, she was pretty much the same as she is with everyone, no flirting or anything similar. But I just wasn't man enough to throw that f*ckhead out of my flat, or to at least say something. I don't want this to sound like he was actively flirting with her or anything, it was just, that I got the feeling from the pretty normal conversations and interactions, that he was really interested in her.

The food we ordered on Sunday made us both sick to our stomach. Her a little more than me, so she stayed from from work on monday, which she then expanded for the whole week.

Monday and Tuesday were pretty much the same as most days. Maybe a bit "happier" in the form of us joking around a lot and having a good time when I came home in the evening.

Wednesday she was kinda off. Didn't write much over the day as usual and was pretty silent in the evening. Told me she was tired and slept the whole day from time to time but was still just tired. Oh and she didn't eat much the whole day because she "didn't feel hungry somehow" only when I came home we ate something together.

I was pretty tired these days and fell asleep on the couch while watching Netflix or TV while she was awake most of the time and this a little bit longer than usual. But hey, she didn't have to get up in the morning because of her staying home from work, no nothing too special.

Thursday.

Now this is were it really started to be strange. The whole day she didn't write much more than a few short words like "just showered. Took out the garbage. My phone battery was empty."

I started to worry.

I wrote "if anything is wrong, since she's so absent since yesterday evening?" at 4pm.

At 5pm, I just finished my second job and was about to head home, she wrote two messages, telling me that "yes, to be honest, there is something wrong" and she "can't live this way anymore" and she could move to this guy for a while, but before I think something wrong, it's because he got a room free in his share flat.

The next day, after I directly asked her, she admitted that she has developed feelings for him, which showed her, that it wasn't the right thing, being with me.

On that Thursday I came home to a flat pretty much the same as usual, except for a few things of her missing. With our two cats (we adopted them in August 2018) waiting at the door for me.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

:hug:

I’m not sure exactly what happened on her end, I can only guess.

If she’s been dealing with emotional flatness, perhaps this guy came along and brought some emotional intensity to her life. She could be mistaking lust for love. This guy doesn’t love her, and she doesn’t love him as love takes much longer to develop.

I say this as someone who’s always chased that lust-monster as it made me feel alive. My guy says every guy in my past just wanted me for one thing. I say no, they all wanted two things, that and the crazy intensity that I’d bring. I guess I’m just saying that I’m someone who feels numb much of the time, and chased those emotional highs to feel alive, so I can understand why she’d just up and run for someone she’s only known for 2 weeks.

 

[Dominik24]

Thank you @EveHarrington :)

I know what you mean with intensity. It's what made me fall so crazy in love in the beginning. I thought it was a crazy strong emotional bondness between us, after sharing some long nights filled with intense conversations and having so much fun together.

Back then she was in a, as she made it look, "unhappy relationship" for 2 months at that point. She broke up after meeting me and what should I say? I always feared it might hit me, too. But I always pushed those thoughts away, thinking it was different since they were only together for 2 months and, as she said, he didn't treat her so good and didn't show a lot of emotions towards her.

The first month was the happiest of my life. Now I know that it was probably her intensity that made me feel more loved than I ever have.

Now someone else has that intensity, that I missed the whole 2 and a half years that followed that month in the beginning.

Still, I thought we formed a great bond between us, fought so many bad times and so much trouble from outside. We were a team and the thought it could happen to me, what she did to that guy before me, didn't cross my mind for a long time.

 

[EveHarrington]

She may be a jumper? Someone who jumps from relationship to relationship as to always have a safe place to land? I think it may be a form of codependency (or maybe dependency?) as she isn’t fostering her own independence. Sadly, codependency is the enemy of this disorder. (Yes, I have been there myself.) Of course I am just making a guess at this point, based on my own experiences.

I’m just so sorry that she broke up with you, and in such a cruel way, on the worst possible day.

My advice is to stay single for awhile and heal from this experience. Focus on your own self care and strengthening bonds with friends and family.