Sometimes I Feel "frozen" At A Young Age, In Trauma.

[Tippi]

Hello, everyone......

Sometimes I just feel as if I've gone through life "frozen" at a particular age. Or, maybe what I've experienced is that when I was a little girl and dissociated a lot, I created a super-competent (relatively speaking) person who handled things, appeared very capable and confident, was very intelligent, etc.

And that "person" is the one that presents itself to the world.

But inside, I am not that person. I am still frozen at a very young age.

I think that's why I am always just amazed that people find me capable and competent and intimidating! What?? ME, intimidating??? I don't get that.......at all. I feel sad, grief-stricken, lonely, alone, scared, terrorized, panicky, and alone inside of myself.

And I'm beginning to wonder if that isn't why some people aren't always very nice to me. Do I come across as too intimidating or something? If I do, I am the last to know!! I have been told a few times in my life that I come across as confident, powerful, competent. Really? Then why am I not at all connected to that person? And is that person really me?

This just brings up a lot of questions for me. But it also could be a major help!

I have always wondered why people don't always gravitate toward me. I couldn't understand why. I also have people tell me at times that I am open and warm and communicative and funny. Really?

Who ARE these people they are talking about?

Is it possible that I am only connected to the traumatized child inside of me? One reason I am wondering about this is that I have spent years and years and years in grief. If I had a nickel for every tear I've shed throughout the years, I would be a billionaire, I bet.

I was so abused that I know I felt very fragmented as a young girl.

Is it possible that I have these sides of me that "handle life?" Is that what I had to do in order to survive all of those years of child abuse? Create some other "selves" in order to keep on keeping on in spite of my horrific inner pain?

I'm just really exploring this for the first time. I am so grateful I can ask these questions safely here.

Thank you.

 

[risingsun]

Sometimes I just feel as if I've gone through life "frozen" at a particular age.

That is how I feel, frozen in time sometimes. It is like I'm still that girl that I was at that 'specific age' of the traumas. But maybe it isn't such a bad thing. While people changed around us and let life alter their core, we have remained innocent. How can retaining that sense of innocence ever be a bad thing? And sometimes, people who have lost that innocence are cruel, very cruel especially to people with that sense of innocence and sensitivity about them. You have retained something that they don't have, that they've lost in a sense. And some people will do anything to try to take that from you. At least that is how I see it.

I have definately felt fragmented. I have this inner core that feels so fragile and an outer core that has taken over the wheel literally. After I was traumatized, its like that outer core or strong person had to take over so that I could work, drive, take care of things, deal with more things, and so on.

I think healing is when that outer core of strength meets the inner core of sensitivity, transforming you into the person you were always meant to be.

 

[Me232]

I feel the same way as you do! The inside does not match the outside. But over the years I have come to realize that that strong, independent, funny, outgoing person IS me I just wasn't connected to it internally. Or connected to my emotions at all. I guess i always felt like I was playing a part to get by and feel safe. But years of therapy have started to help me feel more connected and integrated to who I am. I don't know if this makes sense but its how I have come to terms with this duality of personality. I think both personalities are you it's just you might be connected to the child in you more than the adult at this point. I hope my post helps!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I actually have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I did create parts inside of me in order to cope with the trauma I went through as a child. I am still in the process of understanding it all. I am still recovering memories and "meeting" parts of myself that I didn't really know existed. I am not going to say that this is the same as what you feel.

I have a part that is what I call the "angry one" and if people met her (and some have), the would definitely be more scared of me. I have two parts who hold the memories and feelings of specific childhood traumas. They are frozen in time. I have been able to pretty much be "me" and handle the rest of what life has to offer. It's a bit complicated.

My therapist and I have discussed this easier to view way. Everyone has parts to their personality. Some are stronger than others and are used more in certain situations. My parts just got a little too independent. So I am not trying to say what you are experiencing is DID, but that I understand parts of personality.

 

[Chava]

Just to say I relate a lot! I'm really competent in my field of work. I love my work, I'm confident, all is pretty good. But alone, I'm sometimes in a bubble and in therapy I often feel very young...also feel that way when alone or stressed out, like "stuck" at a certain age...probably older than trauma I remember, but it's hard to know. I think I also acted younger than my age in elementary school because I struggled for a while. So I might have been stuck then, too, but eventually the school atmosphere, having a violin, and doing well kicked in my confidence...and my self kind of divided between worlds.

I feel safest alone, though I am pretty lonely and insecure about relationships often. I feel like, when it comes to others, I hold them at a distance with all kinds of subtle habits I don't totally understand. I'm friendly and yet unapproachable (and sometimes actually a little cocky). I've heard from some of the few good friend I've had that they thought I hated them at first. I'm just reserved, slow to trust, and have this built-in air of indifference quite often. Probably because few of my feelings were validated growing up. It's hard to care, even though a little place inside me is very sensitive. Also, I know I intimidate some people....and part of me actually thinks "well F#ck them". But part of the reality is that I gained lots of my talents and competencies through finding safety in studying, practicing my instruments, isolating myself with the hope of doing something good enough or finding an outlet for myself...or just plain distracting myself through nerding out. Plus my curiosity is real...learning stuff has always helped me feel vital and not-dead.

Like you, I think it's good to notice. I haven't figured it out yet, but I am noticing these sort of splintered versions of myself and hopefully working towards integrating everything...trying to connect with a small number of trusted people and take care of some relationships vs just running away or scaring people away. Also, I probably put on the air of not needing anyone's help, support, anything....because I never got much of it and am used to it, but also horrified in many ways by feelings of need...needing any help or support or even emotional connection. I think I starved myself mostly out of my need to NOT need anything. So among my challenges that I can recognize and work on is asking for help support..or letting myself be a little vulnerable with a few people (vs just intimidating). That's way f---ing scary, like a trigger situation. In the end, some things might not change totally , like my being introverted or insecure people being intimidated I'm good at something I do. But hopefully the feeling of disconnection and isolation can get better.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, I can sympathize. I too had been given a DID diagnoses. I know that one of them is about 12yrs old, the other is around 19yrs old. They both correspond to particular traumas that happened at those two ages. The little one is just a ball of hate and bitterness, whereas the older is.. well, pretty much the same, but just about a different situation. Both are completely irrational in their fury. I get triggered into them so often that I have trouble differentiating between which one of us is 'real'.. I say that I am, but of course I would, right? :p

So I'm not really that confident or competent at my job or life. I've mostly just been trying to hang on all these years, so I haven't really developed like a person normally would. I can say that for being nearly 40 years of age I make a great 25 year old... LOL.. I really don't have a time that I fit into is what I would say. I feel like I'm just outside the world mostly. And I've got to find a way back in, somehow...

 

[Suzetig]

I don't have DID but can recognise what you're saying. Too am competent in a demanding job, look very able, confident and sure of myself. And I generally feel like a small child emotionally.

The cognitive side of me is very well developed, like @Chava I focused on academics and other activities to take my mind off childhood abuse and this worked well for me on a number of levels. Emotionally, I've never really expressed what happened to me and the feelings about this which means I still think about it and hold it as if I were still a child. This is what we'll be working on in therapy and is apparently really common for those of us who experienced trauma as a child. I often feel very young in therapy, I'm coming to just accept that's how I feel just now and it's ok.

 

[Chava]

I do body psychotherapy and naturally gravitate to sitting curled up on the floor like a little kid...and I love that that's okay. I wanted to go get a stuffed animal off the shelf once and that was a big process. I was crawling or scooting and felt like I didn't deserve the stuffed animal. I could barely look at it. I had to stop several times to cry. In the end, when we were really close, I couldn't even touch it but allowed my therapist to hand it to me. Took the whole hour, but that's where I began to learn how to comfort myself (and I do this at a childish level at this point)...it was so hard. My therapist just moved on the floor next to me, really slow. I wanted that stuffed animal but didn't deserve it...the whole tug-of-war between wanting comfort and not deserving it....I had to approach that from a young place. My therapist would call this a sort of corrective experience. It was good. I even got to take the stuffed animal home with me for a while.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Chava - I can relate to sitting curled up on the floor. I have not had the stuffed animal experience, but similar to that, I find it to be a struggle to get on the floor when I need/want to. My therapist is perfectly fine with me sitting on the floor, but I have a hard time getting there. I am glad that you are learning to comfort yourself. I have taken to sleeping with a stuffed animal at night and feel silly for doing it, but my husband has not made fun of me once. He only laughed a little when I said it was for my "little self"- he doesn't know about my DID and liked the expression. I think we all have little selves.

 

[shell]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve I often took a teddy to bed and cuddled it to sooth me from the flashbacks and nightmares of sexual abuse at night it was very comforting and calming, and I don't have DID, I think it is important to learn to self sooth.

 

[Tippi]

While people changed around us and let life alter their core, we have remained innocent.

Dearest risingsun,

I relate to everything you've expressed so well. Maybe it isn't such a bad thing. After all, we did survive. I don't how I would have survived otherwise. I really don't.

I also relate very much to your saying that we have remained innocent in many ways. I definitely find that to be true of myself. My husband often tells me I am naive or gullible. Maybe I am, but I would rather be someone who continues to treat people well and someone who sees beauty than a person who becomes hardened or jaded or cold. He tells me there are only 2 types of people in this world: predator and prey. I've never viewed the world in such a way. Maybe he's right, but I think the world--and people--are much more complex than that. And I hate labeling and I hate black-and-white thinking. So I guess he and I will just disagree.

I also relate to feeling fragile inside. Inside, I am usually hypervigilant, mistrusting, frightened, lonely, and sad. Outside, I don't show that to the world.

I think you're right about what healing would feel like.......it'd be like the outer "strong" self and the inner "fragile childlike self" meeting and connecting. The fragmentation would be essentially gone. That would be so wonderful.

Thank you for sharing that. I feel so much better because I know that I am not alone.

 

[Tippi]

I think both personalities are you it's just you might be connected to the child in you more than the adult at this point.

Dearest Me.....

Yes, your post helps me a lot! I guess both are truly "me." But it's just that I'm not very connected to the outer "me." I think I'm going to try to find a way to become more connected to myself in general. Thanks for sharing, Me........I like what you said.