Lady of Longbourn
VIP Member
Something happened in class today and I was reminded of it, and already being vulnerable because anxiety I couldn't normally sweep it under the rug.
I have mentioned this in my diary and after three and half years of knowing my therapist we talked about this once. I couldn't go any further. It's a very hard topic for me. I would rather talk about my violent rapes then this.
But I have to face it. I can't keep silence I can't keep ignoring my angry and hatred of myself. It's not healthy. I must talk.
So I need to explain. I come from a minority of a small German-American community. It was one of the most traditional groups of German-Americans to come to the US. We are mostly Lutheran or Catholic but also some Mennonite. They mostly settled in the rural US and maintained their heritage. There are still a bit of it around though as time passes its getting less and less. But still loan words and German food is common. I would share more, such as its recent spotlight in the news but maybe later... It's not a big community so that might be to much to share on the internet.
The community has always been very peaceful and simple. But was a bit harshly treated during the World Wars becasue of it's heavy traditional culture , where it (in my mind), becasue of fear drew into it self and then tried its best to Americanize. It went from a simple strongly German community to afraid to speak German or anything related. German was no longer allowed in schools, government wouldn't allow it. I can't explain it but I think the damage to the community in terms of identity was strong. People had to totally change who they were.
Both my parents were from this background. Both proud and I was brought up knowing it. But I myself was treated badly in school. I didn't grow up in that community becasue my father was in the military and was not stationed there. I can't tell you all how many times I was called terrible names by students, teachers and adults because of my ethnicity. It hurt deeply as a child because I could not understand why. I didn't understand either that (as my therapist puts it) I am a minority.
I learned to never share. I grew up fearful people would find out. And I still am.
But then I grew up almost hating myself at times. Mostly angry and confused. And sometimes I thought that I most be evil.
Only twice have I talked about this out load. With my therapist, who called it traumatic because of treatment. I think he adds this into my PTSD maybe becasue it just added to everything else that was already ripping my childhood apart. He tried to understand and mostly he did I think but my inability to say this out loud hinders healing we might be able to do. I talked to my mother once, who confessed she sometimes feels the shame as well...
There...I said it! I had to be said before I cried and went into depressed or worse hatred of myself. I need to work on it, it's time...
I know I probably sound terrible but I simply don't talk about this. I learned hard to not share and keep my family, their heritage and my comfort in it to myself. I get very very protective of them becasue I am very loyal to my family and heritage.
I'm also on my phone, so hard to write...Need break now to regroup.
I would love thoughts and anything that might be helpful. I admit to being fearful of criticism.
I have mentioned this in my diary and after three and half years of knowing my therapist we talked about this once. I couldn't go any further. It's a very hard topic for me. I would rather talk about my violent rapes then this.
But I have to face it. I can't keep silence I can't keep ignoring my angry and hatred of myself. It's not healthy. I must talk.
So I need to explain. I come from a minority of a small German-American community. It was one of the most traditional groups of German-Americans to come to the US. We are mostly Lutheran or Catholic but also some Mennonite. They mostly settled in the rural US and maintained their heritage. There are still a bit of it around though as time passes its getting less and less. But still loan words and German food is common. I would share more, such as its recent spotlight in the news but maybe later... It's not a big community so that might be to much to share on the internet.
The community has always been very peaceful and simple. But was a bit harshly treated during the World Wars becasue of it's heavy traditional culture , where it (in my mind), becasue of fear drew into it self and then tried its best to Americanize. It went from a simple strongly German community to afraid to speak German or anything related. German was no longer allowed in schools, government wouldn't allow it. I can't explain it but I think the damage to the community in terms of identity was strong. People had to totally change who they were.
Both my parents were from this background. Both proud and I was brought up knowing it. But I myself was treated badly in school. I didn't grow up in that community becasue my father was in the military and was not stationed there. I can't tell you all how many times I was called terrible names by students, teachers and adults because of my ethnicity. It hurt deeply as a child because I could not understand why. I didn't understand either that (as my therapist puts it) I am a minority.
I learned to never share. I grew up fearful people would find out. And I still am.
But then I grew up almost hating myself at times. Mostly angry and confused. And sometimes I thought that I most be evil.
Only twice have I talked about this out load. With my therapist, who called it traumatic because of treatment. I think he adds this into my PTSD maybe becasue it just added to everything else that was already ripping my childhood apart. He tried to understand and mostly he did I think but my inability to say this out loud hinders healing we might be able to do. I talked to my mother once, who confessed she sometimes feels the shame as well...
There...I said it! I had to be said before I cried and went into depressed or worse hatred of myself. I need to work on it, it's time...
I know I probably sound terrible but I simply don't talk about this. I learned hard to not share and keep my family, their heritage and my comfort in it to myself. I get very very protective of them becasue I am very loyal to my family and heritage.
I'm also on my phone, so hard to write...Need break now to regroup.
I would love thoughts and anything that might be helpful. I admit to being fearful of criticism.
Last edited:
