Sometimes I Hate Myself Because Of My Ethnicity

[Lady of Longbourn]

Happened in History class. Somehow German was brought up before class and the girl behind me said something in a mix of German and English. I almost told her how to say the whole sentence in German. It was a basic sentence otherwise I wouldn't have known. But that would have brought up questions, I would have gotten deeply embarrassed with lots of anxiety. Saying two words in German isn't worth that. So I gritted my teeth together instead and worried about how this will effect my day. And congratulated myself for not blurting out everything I was thinking and backing myself into a corner.

Sometimes I feel ashamed for not knowing more German and not keeping up with the German I did learn...to the point where I barely know any anymore.

I have a secret dream...when I start going to a university I will take some German classes. I don't know why it is so important to me but I keep going back to it. My college only has French and Spanish. It's the first time I ever said that.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I often feel I need forgiveness. To be told I am not a bad person. I keep telling myself that.I will have terrible arguments in my head about it. It doesn't help. It makes it worse. I am ashamed of myself for something I had nothing to do with. I am angry that I am proud of my heritage. I have a right to be, Germans and Germany have done a lot of good things. Creative and intelligent culture.

I hate myself a lot. I feel so much anger.

When husband and I watched Das Boot last weekend my husband said he enjoyed this movie a lot becasue it showed Germans as humans and not a lot of movies do that. He also said it's a movie we need to watch once a year.

I want to take a German class in the fall. I found a college that offers it. My mind is pretty much made up about it. But I haven't told anyone becasue I am almost ashamed. It will be a strain going to two colleges but I have to do it. I know that. I need too.

I keep wanting to run from it but as the years pass and nothing changes in my view point I know I need to learn to accept it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

just shows what an empathic and caring person you are.

It hurts. I know I am empathic, I freely admit that. But it hurts a lot. I can spent my whole day being weighed down by it.

I hope you find a way to release this millstone that is weighing you down.

Yes.

Never be ashamed, you are better than that.

I never thanked you for your post. Thank you. I wish I could fully agree and accept it.

 

[Everhopeful]

Hi Ayesha

I hope you are doing ok. Your disclosures about your struggle to come to terms with your German heritage have really resonated with me. I was just thinking, instead of being always pre-occupied about Germany's most recent horrible past history, why not immerse yourself in positive things from this culture?

We talked about Herbert Groenemeyer's music before. And he also starred in "Das Boot", which you say you have seen.

There is another German singer whose music I have really found beautiful and soothing. Her name is Juliane Werding, and she is actually a practising homeopath in Germany. She has been a folk artist since 1972, when she became known in Germany for her German cover version song of "The Day they Burnt Old Dixie Down". She has released numerous albums, some her original songs and others cover versions of English songs in German. She covered Mike Oldfield's "Moonlight Shadow" beautifully.

I find it helpful to focus on the positive. I currently still have connections to Germany, my mother is married to a very bombastic and narcisstic German ex-patriot living here in Africa, and I also work in a multinational company with strong German links. So I often still feel quite negative about Germans, they can be very self-righteous and ignorant and bombastic in their ways in general, especially in the corporate world.

But I have met enough ordinary, humble and friendly Germans too who are not pre-occupied by the whole "might is right" mindset.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Everhopeful I am not sure how to take your comments. While appreciated and I understand some of your points, don't you see your own prejudice in your post?

It is conflicted is what I mean and I am sorry for that. It's diffcult.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Apparently my father used to put on a brown shirt and imitate a member of Hitler's Youth in his terrible German when I was a kid.

I don't remember the above and my mother said this today she can't really either becasue she 'blocked it out' which I can relate with becasue so have I. But normally I would question things or wonder if true or not...This is true. I just know. When my mother said that it seemed to touch on memories I had forgotten. I couldn't remember them but...I know what shirt he must have been using. At the times the US Air Force had brown and green uniforms. His undershirt was a dark brown.

Maybe I put this in the back of my mind as a child. I can't imagine how that must have felt like seeing so young or even now. When she told me that and even writing it...it terrifies me!

So while growing up proud of the heritage, I grew up seeing that....being around too much of it? I never agreed with such things, I never can.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My history teacher was the one who started me thinking about all this. He was the reason I started this thread and within an hour after meeting him

He talks about Germany, Germans and his heritage a lot. He speaks German, lived in Germany and seems totally at ease with himself; I want to at least feel that last part too. However if he ever felt negatively about it he has had a lot of time to work through it; He must be in his 60's.

And lately...I would totally lying if I said I am not still thinking about my history teacher a lot these days so much so I really wish I could talk about it with my therapist. It's hard not too think about him and his words when I think he may be able help to help me with something that bothers me every day. Yes, EVERY DAY. He may not even know that is helping me, I may never tell him. But please God, let something he does or says help. I can't keep living my life so f*cking angry.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

This has been getting better.I think about it a lot.

My history and I talk sometimes after class. We talk about heritage and I ask him questions. Sometimes our talks are a bit more about us getting to know the other. It's all very teacher/student.

He went on and on last class for 20 minutes about the importance of having a mentor and a day after that I started asking myself if I should ask him to be my mentor. I did have someone in my diary point out to me that at this point, in some ways, he already is like a mentor to me.

He is inspiring me a lot. I enrolled in another college as a transient student just to take German in the fall simply becasue being around him and his random German in class made me more comfortable with myself. I will be going to two colleges and it was mostly my teacher who gave me that strength to do what I have been wanting to do again for years. I am not sure what my major will be yet but I am leading more and more into humanities, history and lit. My husband really wants me to get into computers, learning coding becasue he thinks I am better then most people he works with and while I might like it...I am not sure if I will love it.

But it's so soon in my education I don't know why I have to choose yet. I think he would make a good mentor; heritage, values, open-minded, we get along, his field is what I am leading towards and he also teaches at the university I would be transferring too and he went to the other university in the city (the big expensive private university I would never ever get into).

I think it's worth talking to him about.

I feel like I have grown a lot during this semester.

 

[novemberDark]

Hi Ayesha, I learned 9 pc programming languages (got bored) do what you want ! and only what you want !.
I'm half German, I hope you got something out of Herbert Gronemeier music. If you want to practice the language, he you can post me.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I planned on taking a German class in the fall but because we moved I wont be able too. My therapist had a new idea for me and the new class is only 9 minutes from my new place. It's not a college course but it's still a class and still will get me around my heritage and that seems to be the main focus with my therapist and how must my mentor grinned at me and said he was proud of me and how much my heart swelled and just how much I wanted to take it... :sorry:

I just seem to be driving it from my mind a lot. Seems too stressful to have to think of a new place, in a new part of the city I have never been...so let's just not think about it. I haven't even told my husband.

That will be 4 classes in the fall. German will be once a week. I am so nervous. I don't use the word triggering lightly. German can be triggering.

 

[ms spock]

I admire how you are working on this @Ayesha. It is a good thing to do.