Sos, My Partner Has Serious Caregiver Fatigue

[MoonShiner]

You folks have heard from me before. I'm in the middle of a really rough patch, and my long distance partner is seriously suffering from caregiver fatigue. He doesn't seem to be able or willing to step back, but has become highly resentful of having to carry the weight. He's exhausted, angry, lonely. He says that all he wants is for me to step up and be an equal partner. In the middle of this maelstrom, that feels laughably impossible. I can't fix his caregiver fatigue for him. What CAN I do? What are some suggestions you have to make this situation better?

 

[Cool Cat]

What sort of care does he provide?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm a supporter, not a sufferer, but I may be able to offer some suggestions from the "other side of the coin." Keep in mind this is just general, and not specific to any one person or relationship. I know not all sufferers and supporters go through the same things, but from observation and talking to a lot of supporters on here, there seems to be some commonality in a lot of PTSD relationships.

A sufferer's rough patches are their supporter's rough patches too. When our sufferers are stressed and triggered, we also deal with the stresses and triggers in our outside way. While we don't go through the horror and pain that sufferers do, we do worry, stress, and feel helpless or useless to our loved ones. Unfortunately we also seem to bear the brunt of lashing out. Isolation is necessary for sufferers, but it makes a lot of supporters feel abandoned and uncertain. For the most part, we know our sufferers don't mean it and can't help it. They have to do what they need to do to cope. It's all part of loving somebody with PTSD.

Caregiver or compassion fatigue happens to the best of us. It doesn't mean either party is wrong or bad, etc. It just happens. From a supporter's point of view, it seems like you give and give and give all the understanding and compassion you can to your sufferer, but one step wrong on your part and it all comes crashing down on your head. This is especially sucky when you are dealing a bad patch and it happens a lot in a short period of time. Those of us in long term relationships know that our sufferers cannot deal with a supporter's feelings when they are in the midst of it all, but still, after awhile it wears on you.

I've been there with my sufferer. Again, I don't know anybody's personal situation, but I can offer a few general suggestions. Firstly, a little compassion goes a long way. Sometimes just hearing that you are loved and appreciated works wonders. When you are busting your butt to be a good supporter, having your hard work recognized can be nice. An "I love you" is never bad. When you are taking care of all the mundane things of life because your partner cannot deal with it, it is nice not to have things made more difficult.

Cutting a us a little slack is probably the most kind. We have emotions too... we have bad moods and don't feel like dealing with *it* at times. Our feelings get hurt. We get worried sick and may hover or be clingy. We get sad. We get scared that our relationships will end. We get angry when lashed out at and want to fight back and defend ourselves. When a supporter is usually pretty good at dealing with these emotions, it is nice to not have those bad moments rubbed in our faces or blown up into a big thing when we do lose our composure. Acknowledge that our emotions are valid and important too.

Also, knowing how difficult it can be for a sufferer to do any of this when they are not feeling well, the sheer effort it takes to do any of these things is also a big sign of how much they care about you and can mean the world.

Just my two cents. Good luck with your partner.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you asked him what kinds of specific things you can do that would make it more of the relationship he would like? Do you know what the obstacles are for those things?

Have you been clear with him your needs in the relationship?is this a case where you reach out for support from him a lot and he is setting burned out or more that he feels overly compelled to rescue you when you don't want it? Or a mix of both?

It is wise that you see that you can't change him or fix his own stuff. However, there is action you can take for your own sake - action that may help you regardless of what is going on for him. Building a more diverse and wider support network may help you both. It will give more people to be in the caregiver role, and so then he may not need or feel compelled o be in that role. Everyone in life needs a good support network, not just one person, especially those with PTSD. At the same time, I also recognize how hard it can be as suffers to find any support at all.

It can be hard to reach out for help - and I commend you in your efforts to do so. It must hurt to hear him be burned out. My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[MoonShiner]

Since I was asked, care provided:

Interaction every day via chat services and video hangouts.
Investment in my career, helping me land jobs and academic positions. Making contacts and networking.
Checking up on whether I'm eating, doing yoga, etc.
Providing supplements like Saint John's Wart, Vitamin C, Vitamin D, etc.
Financial support in the form of a part time job with his family's company. Paying for our visits to each other.
Emotional support, though this one has not really been working out lately.

---

I am not a lasher-outer. I don't lose my temper or throw tantrums. I withdraw and become very sad and I guess negative.

He says that he wants me to be proactive and an equal partner. He is tired of my chips always being down. It seems the only way I can fix it is by getting *all better*. I often lean on others instead of him when I am feeling especially troubled because of this. I do not tell him when I have an uptick of suicidal ideation, though I may tell him about nightmares. I try to be clear with my needs (I need emotional support, not more vitamins to take) but he is action oriented and not very good at hearing me on this matter. It's starting to trigger anger and resentment in me. Now we're both exhausted, angry, and resentful. It's no good.

 

[Justmehere]

Are you in treatment? A lot of what he is doing are things that a network of people can probably better help you with. It does sound like he is very much in a caretaker role and not as much in romantic partner role and that you are both burned out and frustrated. It's good that you don't lash out, and it sounds like you do need support through this. It sounds like he doesn't have the best of boundaries and isn't very good if taking care of his own need to not do as much as he is doing. You know this now, and you also properly recognize that you can change him or fix his problems for him.

However, now that you know he has a hard time saying no to being a caretaker for various needs that you experience - you have a choice. You can keep going to him or all those needs or you an go to him less and go to other more, and look for ways to partner with him, do fun things together, even support him more.

If you are not in a place where you feel like you can do that, then you both may have to accept that and you both may have to make the choice to stay or leave.

He knows you have the struggle you do, and he can either learn how to tell you no more and caretake less, ask for what he wants, and leave it up to you and evaluate for himself of this is the rift relationship at the right time for him.

Same for you.

You know the struggle that he has about being in the caretaker role too much, you can learn to ask him or less and be less of the person being caretaked in the relationship, ask for what you want in the relationship and leave it up to him and see if this is the right relationship at the right time for you.

 

[shimmerz]

but he is action oriented and not very good at hearing me on this matter

Being heard is so important. I don't think that PTSD'ers or caregivers understand how key this is in keeping balance. Perhaps you are burned out too. It sounds like a lot of expectations on you.