Soul Sickness?

[ladee]

@KwanYingirl, thank you for sharing that link. I have read some of it, but am 'foggy' today.. What I read was great. so will go back to it later when I can concentrate.... thanks again.
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[KwanYingirl]

Are chakras our souls?

 

[Chava]

@Chava yes half dead. And my wondering is that my soul that perished?

Or is lost or buried? I know I feel really good and feel good feelings in some circumstances, but it's hard to know what/who I am all alone, without other connections or achievements, etc. I feel empty...OR I slip into this world where I never care to see another human again...and it feels more like real "me", but disconnected from others. So I feel like I have that (not way into chakras, but am drawn toward supposedly heart-chakra sounds and colors). But I don't seem to bridge it out into the world. Time stopped or something like that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Connection, depth of it, etc define a lot of my quality of life. Prior to that it might have included accomplishments as well, as simply a means to an end. If those connections are only abusive, or only sexual (more so as being objectified), or can't be trusted or are pretty lame, I feel likely to leave or isolate. But I think isolation too (with probably a dose of depression) leaves me feeling half-dead. I suppose that's why it doesn't seem a big leap or a big deal to be all-dead. What part my 'soul' has, if any, in that Idk. I never get the impression my soul has much of a 'voice' (if souls have such a thing).

 

[Teasel]

Great thread, and good to read what everyone has to say.

Soul retrieval is something I'd very much like to do one day. I realise I feel some fear around that too - as I guess I need to make my life or mysrlf into something a soul part would want to come back to... need to learn the self care and other skills needed to be there for the soul part... need to deal with the trauma that caused it to leave in the first place. I guess I feel a bit unworthy just yet.

Something that I know doesn't quite as up is that part of me doesn't believe in spirituality whilst part of my does.

I don't know if a shame would consider helping me because of that. Anyone know?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, I'm all for reclaiming my soul, but not at the cost of having to be triggered into flashbacks. It's sort of my same concern about EMDR. Being taken down a path to that child who is so shattered it defies explanation. People assure me my emotions won't kill me. I don't know what to do. Dip my toe in I guess and go from there. @Junebug and @Chava I also feel I'm half way to death, what's the story with that? Even my most important connections feel only tenuous. Like I'm an imposter like Tara Brach talks about. I overcompensate to deflect a look at the authentic me that even I don't know who I am.isolate. dream. wait. Ugh.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just me, but fwiw I don't think our (or anyone's) soul 'up & leaves' (though perhaps I'm overly practical?), I think of the soul as a spark of something divinely given & eternal within all beings, perhaps all living things. Though I do think damage to the core of our being, is likely the case. As you said @KwanYingirl :

I'm all for reclaiming my soul, but not at the cost of having to be triggered into flashbacks.. Being taken down a path to that child who is so shattered it defies explanation.

Totally agree. ^^ Recognizing that much is a big step too though., actually acknowledging broken-ness (whether you want to give yourself permission or time to or not). That is partly why I found it helpful to get in to the Spiritual Care handbook posted on here for veterans. Though I never did/ haven't got in to it properly (can't) because I need to print it off. (Mind you, that's not happening so I better find another way, or not.) Anyway:

I also feel I'm half way to death, what's the story with that? Even my most important connections feel only tenuous. Like I'm an imposter like Tara Brach talks about. I

I am mis-speaking a bit because I haven't watched the video yet, though I feel that way too. But then gain, 'imposter', 'ticking time bomb', 'person avoiding trusting people who may be untrustworthy- eventually abusive/ lying/ cheating/ imposters themselves', etc, all or any of those & more could leave one feeling that way I suppose. History & fear coming in to play.

To be clear, I feel rather 1/2 dead as in 1/2 murdered, or life not possible. Some perhaps is sheer worn-out, some pain. When others have said 'one foot here, one there' , or 'other-worldliness' they've meant it most positively. I suppose an inclination towards it may be part. Also though just looking at things in a relative way, different relative to others because of trauma maybe. I have also repeatedly heard I'm 'good' & they re concerned I'll be 'shooting off/ leaving'. However, I am not good, & my luck I'll live effing old. Ugh .With my life headed where it is I don't want that. Yet I take no consolation in what's 'after', so I belong no-where.So you see it's others' perspectives.

 

[Tinyflame]

PS, it just came to me as an idea so I shall post it (though it has nothing to do with 'soul'.)

I recall reading whatever they gave you free on kindle (one chapter?) of the PTSD Relationship book (can't recall the name but the common one), I can't recall what they said but do recall fairly tearfully relating to many things they described (and by relating I mean feeling rather horribly exposed/ the truth. In other words, admitting "that's me", someone saying what I don't like to admit = my vulnerabilities- I can accept or admit being 'eff'ed up' or damaged-beyond-repair, I can't admit or think of myself as deserving empathy or kindness or understanding, let alone love or forgiveness or tolerance, or being salvageable, post-ptsd.) So maybe feeling these things & defining ourselves these ways is just part-and-parcel with ptsd.

Even writing this out I find fairly emotionally exhausting. :(

So I'm not saying limit yourself, but perhaps the explanations (at least in part) are actually related to ptsd-commonalities.

Hugs @KwanYingirl

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Junebug I guess if we filtered our core self into containers measuring positivity, our levels. Would be pretty low. It really is complex PTSD I think. Because our trauma occurred as our brains' higher functions should've been fertilized instead, we lack a sense of self that non traumatized people take for granted. Or that they can embrace spirit-however they define that.

I've got a lot of perspective here. I'm thinking now that I'm terrified to undergo this soul work with my Shaman. The experience I had in my first journey where I morphed into a four year old and felt completely safe in the middle of a circle of Indigenous folk was mind blowing at first, but now I'm unsure how I feel about what Shamanism can ultimately do for me-or to me. Wolf is my primary spirit animal, but I always feel the most comfort with the Indigenous Man that journeys with me and is amazingly kind. I have a lot to learn. I wish I had some faith that I'm safe to be doing this. My therapist is all for it, but he's never journeyed himself and he won't do EMDR with me because I dissociate when triggered. It's like trying to give up booze, to practice being grounded. Meditations are cool as long as they keep me smack in the present and don't invite me to think of something unpleasant.

Well, Tuesday evening is my first soul journey. I'll post about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I imagine you could wait if you choose, too @KwanYingirl

I always feel the most comfort with the Indigenous Man that journeys with me and is amazingly kind

Maybe ask him what he thinks.

Good luck KYG! :hug: :hug:

 

[Chava]

I also feel I'm half way to death, what's the story with that? Even my most important connections feel only tenuous.

I'm connecting to images lately. If you took the pressure off the human connection part, would you feel more empty or would you feel more able to search for the "real" you? I collage a lot and scrap together images. Some collages come out representing the destructive parts of myself. They are there, but they don't resonate as "me". Then other colors and images feel like "me." So, right now...I'm an art project.

I relate to halfway dead. Are you still taking care of yourself, remembering that you are alive and there is a soul to care for in there? I can also add that feeling "alive" scares the shit out of me. I humbly confess that feeling a little beat up is safer, because I don't have this feeling of uncontained, disorganized energy. But even in my physical suffering, I'm starting to work with this idea of "real"...and I take care of myself. It helps me to acknowledge that "alive" is scary, so I'm just working at being "okay-ish". Not like mega pain or ER or drunkenness.

 

[Chava]

thinking now that I'm terrified to undergo this soul work with my Shaman. The experience I had in my first journey where I morphed into a four year old and felt completely safe in the middle of a circle of Indigenous folk was mind blowing at first, but now I'm unsure how I feel about what Shamanism can ultimately do for me-or to me. Wolf is my primary spirit animal, but I always feel the most comfort with the Indigenous Man that journeys with me and is amazingly kind.

Just saw this. You do connect to something here, and that's so important for you to nurture gently. Maybe you just have to adjust the pace? Use what helps, stay grounded, proceed slowly?