Soul Sickness?

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava I've done collages. Theme is always fragmented faces, shattered pieces, words like silence, pain, scream. I should try again after working with the Shaman and doing my self compassion meditations. I did end up cutting last week and managed this morning to talk myself out of over medicating. Definitely uptight and feeling empty.

 

[Chava]

So you collage to express your current state? I do this and it feels helpful. But I also have to toss in some images that feel inspiring, or connected to some deep and maybe undamaged part of myself...could be seemingly random things like nature pics or beautiful gems. But I'm trying to balance out the destructive-state expressions with collages of images that feel calming, comforting, or inspiring. It's helpful for me. Maybe just because it reminds me that I am not my current state, in my totality. So I can express it (destructive images or faces without eyes, etc), but then also pull together images that feel calming or beautiful...because that is also part of me, the part that can recognize that...and super important.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava I get what you're saying. I'm afraid I've been on the pity pot for a week. Feeling more connected internally today. I can recognize skills I have and use them to reduce suffering.

 

[Chava]

Glad you're feeling more connected today. I was just thinking collage the pain and also the brighter parts of you...for me these parts don't even feel so "real" but they are in how I connect to them...but just like I don't always know how to really feel real. The soul sickness is basically bad disconnection for me. Then again I don't really even use the word "soul"...probably too much pressure/weight there for me :confused::nailbiting:, but I do relate to the dead and half-dead feelings. :dead::sorry:

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava so not just be dwelling on the negative, right? Try to balance it out so it doesn't carry me away to self destruction. A gratitude exercise I probably should get back in the AA habit of gratitude. And emotional regulation. Maybe I'll make that the topic of tomorrow's therapy. Somehow I ended up on a email train for providers put out by a van Der Kolk groupie. She has video clips of him that discuss various challenges of working with clients with PTSD. One that bummed me out was how he described actual brain changes in people with early trauma. Its like, f*ck, if the organ is missing parts then how the hell am I going to get better? It's like shoveling sand against the tide. So I unsubscribed from the group.

 

[ladee]

Sometimes we get different before we get better. It's just different... our questions are more clear, our search becomes less chaotic. I collage too. It helps for me to visually see what is going on in my mind.... sometimes I am surprised at the beauty I end up putting on one. Sometimes an ugly something shows up, and I think for a few minutes, and then decide if that is even relevant in my life anymore... sometimes there are messy edges to be cleared away, but the whole of the situation is no longer relevant.
And being alive is not so scary anymore. If all we have ever known is pain, then this 'alive' thing is so abstract and we have nothing to compare it to. Hopefully we are filling the void , when we let go of something, with new ways to deal with this new way of seeing our world, with us in it.
And because I am an AA'er myself... many times I make a gratitude list of things I DON'T have... and when I was going thru some of my most painful times, for some reason this helped me a lot..And more times than not, I took it to a silly level, even if it started out being serious..... I don't have cancer, I don't have a car note, that kind of stuff, then it would end up.. I don't have warts on my face, I don't have a period anymore, (which should have been on the serious side !) I don't have a husband anymore.... that one really made me happy...
And as far as thinking or feeling we are not worthy of compassion, love, acceptance, and all the other things people try to give us.....my experience was, until I learned to give myself these things, so I knew how it was supposed to feel, people could express that to me all day long and simply be met with a stoic face... but after giving it to myself, and know how hard and what all I had to do to attain those things... then, I understood... then it made sense....
@KwanYingirl. you are still here, on earth, trying to do this 'human' thing.... do you ever ever give yourself credit for that??? That all by its self is a pretty remarkable thing..... I appreciate all your hard work, I appreciate this thread. And please let us know how the Shaman work turned out... baby steps.... baby steps are ok... sending you lots of gentle :hug:'s , even from a distance if that feels better for you...

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you @ladee for your kindness. I'll post tomorrow night how it goes.

 

[Powder]

I can relate to much of what you are discussing here @KwanYingirl

Too much to summarize here, but quite a bit.

I look forward to your next post. Thank you for sharing.

This is a helpful thread, with so many posts that make me feel almost a sense of belonging here, which isn't really possible for me, but even this is quite comforting.

 

[Chava]

so not just be dwelling on the negative, right? Try to balance it out so it doesn't carry me away to self destruction. A gratitude exercise I probably should get back in the AA habit of gratitude. And emotional regulation.

Yes, I think kind of like that. I actually think of artwork as a good form of emotional regulation...it doesn't always work perfectly (like some forms get me more crazy feeling, and usually my artwork just sucks, but that's okay). But I think of art expression as a way to work on the regulation itself. So I express the terrible things I'm feeling, but then it's like I breathe out, or find something comfortable. Instead of wrapping up in a blanket, I collage with comforting colors and images. Not sure if this makes sense how I'm saying it...but expressing myself plus using the artwork itself also as a form of regulation. That way it also helps me draw out those weak parts of me that do connect to more nurturing things, spirit, inspiration, whatever it is I need....slowly slowly sorting that out!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Unfortunately, myShaman is not well today, so we have to reschedule my session. However, I had a consult and massage by her partner who does energy work as well as being a reiki teacher. She told me that I am a soul having a human experience and that my spirit guides have been with me for perhaps many lifetimes. That the soul reclaimation I experienced was a healing from my guides who showed me that the experiences of my four year old no longer exist and that I am safe now. She and my therapist who I also saw today both point out that I deny and have split off my child identity and will remain a prisoner to fear until such time that I integrate her into my life.

 

[stillstanding2]

Aligning my life's choices with my deepest desires is the target of my present journey into reality and healing. In my case, I lost touch with my inner child and that is what I am reconnecting with.

I think of a soul as something primordial, perhaps pre-human in me. Something that assures me of life's continuity beyond myself. I can sense it in nature, animals, landscapes and certain people. And it makes me aware of itself in many ways, telling me that it is the purest part of me. It is beyond language, time and other intellectual creations. And it may be indelible despite any event, setting or influence. Yet I experience its presence carefully and privately.

For instance, I can be aware of that experience while rocking a peacefully sleeping baby on my chest and shoulder. Her warmth, breathing, heartbeat and scent celebrating her own life. It is the immense honor of sharing and protecting an infant's serene trust, if only for a while.

My own heart crowds my throat. If that doesn't qualify as feeling my soul, it's okay. It's good enough for me.

 

[Powder]

I'd like to ask if anyone can share, how they personally describe healing. What IS healing to you? Does it have significance in life?

I think that I'm having a hard time with the concept of healing. I can't accept it the way its used as such a simple thing. Yet it must be. I don't know why it's a confusing idea for me, and I feel alone with that. Nevermind how one finds it. What IS it? Is it very particular to the individual? Is it entirely personal? Is it universally recognizable?

Any help is appreciated. Whatever it is, I hope for it for me and for you.