DID Splitting of the self/multiple personalities?

[Mitzi]

Forgive me if this sounds a bit naive but it is something I've seen mentioned on the forum and I wanted to ask if anyone has experience with this. My husband has often mentioned that I am like two different people and recently it reminded me of something my past therapist when I was a teenager (I was so lucky to have a therapist who saw me for $5 a session and begged me to come see her b/c my mother left me to fend for myself when I was in high school) had told me that often victims of trauma have multiple personalities.

I'm not saying I have DID b/c I know that it is always one me but there is a Jeckyll and Hyde thing happening! Does anyone else feel this way - like they are split in two?

 

[Lucycat]

Absolutely!
I think you will find that most people with CPTSD feel like this.
Sorry, I was going to write more, but now have to go. I'll try and add more later. Just know that you are certainly not the only one.
L x

 

[Nyx]

I definitley feel like two people living inside me. I call them the teacher and the kid. The teacher is my logical part that always analyzes things and tells me how I should be feeling and the kid is the part that eventually shows me how I'm really feeling. Lately he's been kind of mute, I guess he doesn't like medicine...

 

[KAT]

I have the adult me and a child self.

 

[Lucycat]

I don't know how many different sides I have. But I think there are quite a few.
There is the 'me' that functions perfectly well, works hard and is confident in my career. However I have, through therapy realised that this side of me is completely separate from the trauma in my life. I consider this to be the 'work me' and have also realised why I have been complimented at work for staying calm in a crisis. This me has little emotion or feeling. I focus on the task and just battle on.

However the other sides of me are the parts that feel different levels of emotion and feelings. They cope at varying levels. When I am any of these I don't like it. I feel out of control. These all relate to feeling 'childish'.

I have realised that I need to get it all together. Not to be such a hard-faced bitch at work, but also not feel that I am about to crack up if I am 'feeling' anything at all.

I find the whole concept very interesting and just being able to acknowledge that these differences exist, I hope, will enable them all to work together eventually.

Rory certainly sees the differences as does my T. I have noticed that when I am feeling childish my T uses it, and without being patronising he communicates at that level.

I believe it all to be related to the age (s) at which the trauma(s) occured and what thoughts/ feelings and emotions are stored along with the memories. I guess therapy in itself is stirring it all up, making you think more and so the different sides of you are more likely to chop and change. For a while I was really worried about it, but I now believe it to be pretty common, and will reduce as I move forward in healing.

 

[leanne1321]

In theory, pyschology is made up of 3 people; ID, our inner child; Ego, our adult selves and superego, the parent (I think thats the right order).

Just a guess (I love science and coming up with theories!), IMO with PTSD it seems that these variations of ourselves become so distanced, that they sort of work independantly instead of together (if that makes sense). I agree with Lucy, because a number of times I can act like I did at 13 and I know I'm being childish, but its like part of me is stuck at that age, (just wrote this on another thread) but it's almost like I'm clinging to that piece of childhood because it was taken away from me.

 

[stormy]

Hi Mitzi,:)
Yes I totally do feel that way, in fact, this is how my husband often describes me. It is funny how difficult a concept all this is to grasp, actually understanding that we do work on so many different levels and functioning. To incorporate this is to one healthy self seems to be sooo very far away.

 

[KAT]

My child self is different ages. I try to keep them as one but they are not together yet.

 

[leira]

I know this is an older thread, but it's a good question.

My therapist brought up "splitting" last week for the first time. She's never said anything like that in the past, and although I've read about DID online, I have no clue how much to credit that -- I know I don't have any lost time issues, so no, I don't think it applies to me.

On the other hand, I think what she was responding to is that I have two very distinct "presentations" -- I have the mood where I type fairly structured -- capitalization, punctuation, etc are all very precise and correct. And then I have my falling apart mood, where nothing is capitalized and I don't care if I've made a typo -- in fact, to try and type correctly would be downright painful. I think because words don't adequately express pain and inner turmoil, and so it's an external reflection of how messy I feel inside at that moment.

But it's a variation of mood, not a variation of me, if that makes sense.

She has also said that emotional growth gets stunted, stopped at the age of trauma -- and sometimes I almost understand what she means. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay, to fix it, to make it better. And, of course, no one can, but that doesn't keep me from the longing.

 

[Lucycat]

She has also said that emotional growth gets stunted, stopped at the age of trauma -- and sometimes I almost understand what she means. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay, to fix it, to make it better. And, of course, no one can, but that doesn't keep me from the longing.

Emotions get stunted, but that doesn't mean growth is entirely stopped. I am now learning to recognise the emotions that were held back, and feel that I am really moving forward with it. I am starting to experience positive emotions. This means that the negative emotions that used to take the lead are now more in balance. Yes, the negative emotions are still there and still felt, but they are much more in perspective.

After my last EMDR session I was able to 'let go' of the little girl in me. My T asked me if I was sure, or did I want to lead her to safety. But no, I was able to comfortably just let her go, and said I really felt that I don't need her anymore. I surprised myself with those words - they just came out. But I have not regretted that. I guess it is possible another small child will appear at some point. Maybe not. I will wait and see, but the idea no longer concerns or frightens me.

 

[leira]

Do you really have a sense of a little girl somewhere in you (or had one)? Because I don't know, I don't feel that way, I don't think.

And about feelings in general, I'm not very good at them. I know fear very well! Seems to be the one I mention the most. It's really strange -- when I look back, I can identify fear and ... well, revulsion, and shame and wanting to die.... but so many emotions seem to be missing. We don't talk about how I feel about something that much -- my therapist recognizes that I'm more comfortable thinking than feeling.

 

[Lucycat]

I had never realised before therapy that the little girl was in me. Had never thought about it. However after tackling some real difficult memories she really came out. I was stuck for a while just feeling like that little girl, and only able to do what she could do. I had to stop going to work, and barely left the sofa. I could not read or cook or concentrate on anything. It was incredibly unpleasant, but with further EMDR I got out of it. I was fighting 'being' the girl and started smoking again - it was like I was trying to act like an adult although I couldn't. It was a difficult conflict within as I knew logically that I was an adult, but felt all the emotions of the child. I was rude and impulsive and very difficult to live with.

I'm not good with feelings either. I have found it very hard to comprehend what T was talking about let alone actually describe or feel the emotions. It is a work in progress. I feel (;)) I have moved forwards in leaps, but there is still lots of work to do.

my therapist recognizes that I'm more comfortable thinking than feeling.

Mine too. But he won't leave it at that. To live life to the full you need to reconnect with feeling. But it takes time. A lot of time and courage too.