@Laura 2 i can only say from my personal experience, that not dealing with my past is what contributed to my meltdown. Like, for 25 years, give or take a few, I pushed it down. My coping mechanism is to avoid, avoid, avoid and it served me well all those years... Well, with a moment here and there, one of them quite major..but then after that, I did my best to make sure that I did not face anything I had been through. It made my life easier, for sure..I was able to function very well.
But...then when I had my meltdown, *EVERYTHING* hit me all at once. I was a complete and total hot mess. That is what led me to seeking therapy, because it was either that or end it all. Which scared me, because I have tried to end it all before...and it wasn't just a weak moment, it led to 6 months of physical therapy and I still dont have all the feeilng in my hand. If my husband at the time wasnt there, I would not be here today...and knowing what I'm capable of scared me, but not nearly as much as years of buried thoughts and memories hitting me at once and being completely unable to cope with it was.
Soooo yeah, I was in a very dark place...even with my daughter, I reassured myself that my sister would be able to take her in if I wasnt around anymore, I know how much the SSI death benefits were to help her out. Like, I really was just sorting out final details in the event I just had enough, and therapy was my last ditch effort.
I wish I could say I have completely turned around and realize fully just how harmful it was to not face my issues, and let them literally fester and rot inside of me. But in truth, the only difference really is that I'm aware of the downfalls. And the only reason I cannot cope the way I had all these years, is because I have literally completely lost my ability to do so. Something as simple as not being able to find my keys will put me in a meltdown... I've been walking places and taking public transportation more because my anxiety when I drive, just thinking about driving, completely does me in.
Little things like that, small stresses that I used to be able to deal with, I just can't anymore. Which is frustrating and I get so angry with myself, because I used to be a master of avoiding so that I could face the world, and now I have to avoid the world and can barely face myself. I really wish that all those years ago when I first tried therapy, I had had a good therapist who was able to help me. Maybe it would have taken the load off so that I wouldnt have reached this point and have had an actual better quality of life all this time, and not just me pretending all this time.
