Medical Spouse/Supporter's Pending Open Heart Surgery

[Tinyflame]

I'm incredibly grateful for their expertise and time, but it still disturbs me that they are representing the "health and wellness arena"...most likely because they allow me the opportunity to look in the mirror regarding my own revolving door struggles with weight/food/sporadic health issues/etc., and they serve as a harsh reminder that just because one may know better, doesn't mean they're going to/able to actually do better. Blah humbug. Mirrors, mirrors everywhere.

Just a wee note @Tornadic Thoughts , if you work within it you would see virtually nothing is designed to accommodate attaining or maintaining health, and it's high stress. It's designed that way, it doesn't even become a possibility to realistically make healthy choices. You're lucky to get 4-5 hours sleep, eat let alone healthy, and go get a haircut let alone spa retreat. Treats are paying for your chiropractor, and eating food that comes in a bowl, and not having to work mandated overtime. There is no option to choose better, and very little energy left over. JMHO though.

But very glad everything is proceeding nicely, :) xox. :hug:

hummingbirds swooping and hovering close by.

Isn't that sweet! :)

 

[ladee]

So happy to hear how well hubby is doing. And so are you! A huge learning curve here to do so many things on your own and still find some time for yourself. You are finding time for yourself, aren't you?

Hummingbirds just make us smile, regardless of what is going on in life.

Tell him I said Congratulations on making such great progress. I know he is grateful that is behind him. A cyber hug to him and a heart hug to you!!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm more than aware, @Tinyflame , unfortunately, from many viewpoints, both near and far. I'm a recovering state employee who barely survived working many years in the mental health/medical arena, all too often working crazy ass shift work, lots of overtime, mandated to be there during severe weather, treated like a target after bringing unethical happenings to light, etc., etc. Simply being on the patient end of both almost did me in a few times, too.

That's the time of my life I ballooned into 325ish pounds, miserable and painful beyond belief, and became almost bed ridden, eventually having to resign to try to maintain the little bit of health and sanity I had left. As I indirectly mentioned, I feel that's likely why it's so disturbing to me to see it so clearly in others, like a mirror image, as it painfully reminds me of one of many uncomfortable near death places I've been on my own path. Not many, if any, systems appear to be structured for the benefit and actual sustained wellness of individuals, be it on the receiving end or the giving end.

I also watched from afar as my mom and sister's health went downhill steadily and rather swiftly as they both worked in the medical/mental health arenas, also, and later seeing the disturbing events that took place as mom was mindlessly shuffled through the nursing home and hospital arenas, leading to her passing. Frightening and very disturbing on many levels.

Several angelic beings, or whatever one wishes to refer to them as, who helped in the most compassionate ways often crossed our paths, too, thankfully, but the overall heart-wrenching experiences currently cast big ass shadows on the good in my heart space, making me leery of all of those arenas. Gun shy, I suppose, and heavily jaded. Maybe one day I'll feel differently. Experiencing the recent miracles the surgeons/nurses/techs/etc. performed for my husband helped, but I remain overly cautious.

Still slowly coming back to self after having experienced a few glitches in the matrix and such. Some issues of my domestic violence past have resurfaced in my subconscious space creating weird ass dreams and more emotional eating of crap I know won't benefit my body in any way, shape, or form, other than making the taste buds damn happy for a few moments. Looking forward to regaining my strength in the pie hole arena.

Thanks so much, @ladee . ((((Hugs)))) ya' back. I'm definitely finding time for self...perhaps a bit too much down time, to be honest, as that's when I kick my own ass the worst via my thoughts. Getting back into my external appt. schedule, foot soak time, barefoot grass walks, bird chats, taking the camera for a walk, etc. Still seeking my healthier kitchen time vibes that I seemed to lose in the hospital cafeteria. Nature remains my best lifeline, along with music. Ahhhhh....

The days are getting shorter, getting dark sooner, leaves are turning and preparing to let go, so much stuff left to do for mom's affairs, and my ass is still dragging...the sloth is currently my spirit guide, it seems. Ha! Naps increasing and productivity decreasing....hopefully it'll pass and I'll once again feel like at least sort of a badass and get some important shit done, and do it well. Until then, cheers and best wishes for at least a kind moment or two as we navigate the endless f*ckery that surrounds. Thanks for being here, y'all.

 

[ladee]

You have been thru a lot of emotional turmoil in past months TT. Keep in mind we are not wired like most folks. So our 'bounce back' time takes longer. It's exhausting to be in environments that do not bode well for the soul and spirit.

Honor your sensitivities. Honor that part of you. It's a good thing. Not something that has to be pushed to conform.

We minimize what our body and mind go thru during the death of someone. And then to be fearful of the outcome for your hubby. Even tho he got exceptional care and is doing remarkable now, it doesn't keep your reality and fears from being real and wearing your body and soul to a frazzle.

Take your time. Do your 'barefoot in the grass' time just for the pure joy of it. You aren't asking for the moon. You simply want to feel the earth beneath your feet.

You will get back on track to the things that help you stay focused or the things that keep you satisfied. But maybe right now, it's just reconnecting to the things that matter to YOU.

Your moms' stuff will get done. You will not always eat the things that make you feel bad. Make a list of all that has happened in the past months. I have a feeling if you see it on paper, you will be kinder to yourself.

Hope hubby is continuing to make progress and is up and about enjoying things he was unable to do for a while.

And really hope you take the time you need to get back to a new normal. Maybe some things just aren't that important now. That's ok. But you are. You get to be priority ya know.

Glad you checked in. Was wondering how things were going and if you were getting some much-needed rest. There will be grief in there too.

Make that list. And then be kinder to yourself. Just as you would to one of us. Gentle heart hugs. :hug:

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Your wisdom brings much comfort and much needed reminders, dear @ladee . Thank you. I often forget it's an ongoing process, especially on the days I feel better and am able to help others in addition to self.

Then on the days I feel like shit again my brain manages to convince me, if only for a little while, that things will surely never get better than they are in that moment and we're all screwed.

This tornadic yo-yo brain wreaks havoc on my exquisitely sensitive (as my cardiologist refers to me) self...and then some. So many energies and scents and scenarios to try to safely navigate. So little energy and desire to do so.

All of that, still, and with some areas becoming more amplified yet again, and again, even after having access to an amazing village of various very helpful practitioners helping me try to heal body and mind. I can't begin to imagine the state of things if I were trying to do it on my own. At times I feel waves of guilt for having that access, yet not being able to juggle "reality" any better than I do. F'n feelings and deeply ingrained bullshit programming of days/decades gone by.

Hubby is still doing very well. Yay! Getting quite bored and antsy being at home so much. That's added a whole new layer of experiences/in depth conversations for us both. The golden years seem to be getting a bit tarnished, thus far. lol Aye, aye, aye. The "fun" never ends, 'til it does. Grateful to still have a sense of humor and can still become awe-struck by the simplest of things. May that never end. Hugs and best wishes to all.

 

[ladee]

And the guilt about your blessings are taking energy you don't have. I know when you think about it, it's a grateful state of mind.

Again, give yourself some much due credit for navigating these past months. I did smile about you getting lost in the hospital. I recently started seeing a new doc and was very anxious. Leaving the exam room she told me the way to the front. PTSDbrain was busy with trying to not have a crying fit, so ten feet down the hall, I was lost!! F' 'em if they can't take a PTSD joke!!

It's hard enough for us to be out of our comfort zone without people expecting us to remember how to leave a building!! :laugh: :laugh: We both made it to our destination.

And we get 'turned around' on our healing journey too TT. When too much is going on and we don't get the breaks we need, we get temporarily 'lost'. It's ok. You always find yourself.

Maybe if you made a list of all that's gone on the past months, and you can SEE it, you will be kinder to yourself. We get to be human.

Happy to hear hubby is doing so great. I know he wants to get moving and doing stuff. If he can use a broom and dust rag, put him to work!! It will help you at the same time.

We never really know what we can do until we have to. So hope you take a few minutes to be proud of yourself and rest.

Saw your experience of getting to stand barefoot among the dragonflies last night. Awesome healing, that experience. So hoping you have many more healing moments that help to ground you and helps you to breathe and relax.

Heart hugs and atta girls!! :hug:

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Those dragon fly moments keep happening, in a big way, @ladee . ? I read where some locations in our state and others are so thick with them they're being picked up on the weather radar maps. Wow! The flocks of starlings are swooping in and out now, too. I love hearing them way before I see them.

My husband was cleared to drive again and go back to work this week, half days, and is still recovering nicely. Here's hoping the stress at work doesn't override the healing. He was so damn happy to be able to drive again. Another set of adjustments to work through as we settle back into our brand of normal (hahahaha...."normal").

The chronic pain I experience is rearing it's head more aggressively than I'd like, and in new places each week, damn near, but I'm finding bits and pieces of renewed inspiration and moments of, "Oh yeah, that's who the hell I am!", in between resting and self-care. Few and far between mostly, but damned grateful they're there at all. My kitchen groove is returning slowly, but surely, but not daily, lol.

Mom's house is on the market now and the auctioneers will eventually clear it out and leave it broom swept clean. Trying to maintain sanity and patience during all the phone calls/appointments/tying up loose ends I never even knew existed/etc. Deep breath in....exhale slowly. Even though it's a painful process in many ways, it's a process that will benefit me and my sister greatly once it's done. I've walked to the heart shaped rock formation next to the stream that I built when she passed to sit and talk with her and thank her for everything, to laugh, to cry, and to try to make peace with it all in both the head and heart space. Thanks, mom. I value and treasure your memories.

Nature remains my greatest grounding space, entertainment space, solitude space, exploration space, photo therapy space, sound therapy space, etc., etc. As the days get shorter, the weather gets cooler, and the darkness extends its stay, may the days and nights be kind(er) and not roll our asses over like a mack truck, and then put it in reverse to be sure it didn't miss anything (which is pretty much how the body feels more often than not....ouch!). Sending sweet salutations and thoughts of wellness to all. (((Heart Hugs)))