I think I am doing it. I am really doing it. I am starting to live.
For some people the challange is to get their life back. The challenge for me was living at all, to stop being a badly written, shallow character in another persons story. Being more then a background noise for people whose life is worth living.
For the longest time I had no controll over any part of my life. My controll was so nonexistant, the concept so outlandish, that I did not even realize that was the case. I was only ever just reacting.
If you want to write an interesting story, you need to take care of the charactes agency. If your characters only ever react to outside influences, it makes for an dull and unengaging character and story. Action has to come from within the characters.
I was only ever reacting to the next crisis, the next issue, the next demands. I had none. I just wanted piece and quiet and could not get it .So on and on the rodeo went.
I have not smoked a single cigarette, not one puff, for over 7 months. Was a chainsmoker. I think I successfully quit. I dont feel bad about vaping my ecig at all. Costs hardly no money and I continually reduce my nicotin level.
Had zero alcohol for 2 months, and before that drastically reduced intake. Was my self-medication of choice. Was about to develop dependancy. I plan to only ever drink again to the most special of occassions and celebretions. Not nilly willy, once a week because I felt like it. Never because Im sad or anxious.
I started to excercise, a first in my life. Cardio and weightlifting. The weightlifting is unfortunately on a break right now, but that is because my thyroid medication is not right, and that takes a while. I liked lifting very much and miss it, and I am sure I am going to pick it up again. Next week I can get my thyroid hormone level tested again and medication adjusted, that will give my physcial energy back. Still do cardio regularly, which already is more then I did for rest of my life.
I fixed my nutrition. Sometimes I treat myself to something unhealthy, but in the past my treat days where the normal ones. Ate so badly for many years, either too much or nothing at all. Figured it out now.
There are good days and bad days. But nowadays the bad days are where in the past the good days stood.
A few weeks ago, I did not let a therapist allow to trample all over my dignity. I just stood up and left the building, not looking back. I did not yell, did not insult, neither did I sit there and take it and beg and plea. Afterwards I did endure the crash and ptsd symptoms with patience and awareness. Did not do anything stupid. Did not drink, did not smoke, did not overeat, did not go on a shopping spree, nothing. Did not take anger out on anyone or anything (beside some virtual monsters hehe. they are too dead to tell) Went a bit introvert and waited for the storm to blow over.
A year ago I realized I had allowed my troubles to make me cruel and cowardly. I had become a greedy baby, a bully. It was my rock bottom. My partner was about to leave me, he could not take it anymore. I turned myself around and he tells me, I make him very happy now. For years I stole his life, but I have given it back. He always made me happy, and it was about time I returned the favor.
There are so many pains and terros that tormented me, and I layed them to rest. I am okay now, I can look at the past without wanting to die of shame. What happened happened. Nothing I will do can ever change the past. Its only the present and future I can change. I accepted this on a deep and emotional level.
When something bad happens, and my PTSD symptoms explode in every which way, I remain collected. I remain in controll. I say things like "Please leave me alone. I need space. I am super symptomatic." and bury myself in my cuddle blanket. Afterwards I can explain what happened.
PTSD does not scare me anymore. In a way it has become a unpleasent but necessary game for me. I dont know every facet of the rules, just like playing a complicated videogame, but I got the gist of it. Sometimes shit spirals ouf of controll and I have no clue what happens, so I watch out for an opening to jump back in.
I am actively exploring what happiness is to me, who I am and what I want to do. I wanted to learn crocheting, but the stuff just lies around. I have not found the time or interest. But that is okay, my weightlifting dumbbells lay around for over a year before I picked them up, same with the hometrainer. I have a half written book lieing around somewhere. When I have got some more stability in life I will pick it back up and look what I have with it.
When something hurts I cry. Truth to be told I feel a bit emberrassed how much I cry, but I know I dont have to be. My partner never makes fun of me, he hugs me and we talk about it. And then its okay. For so many years I needed drugs to feel sadness, let alone joy. When there was a emotional movie to watch, I made sure I could drink me silly, otherwise time was wasted. Not any more.
Two weeks ago a therapist canceled one day before meeting. That hurt so much, threw me off for a week. That time I was just very introverted, played alot of videogames and did not care about excercise. Hugged alot, cried alot, sleep cycle was a disaster, but nothing major. Compared to how I would have handled a year ago, I barely reacted at all.
Two days ago another therapist canceled. I knew, that was a dangerous and critical situation. Not again, couldnt believe it! Wtf are they doing. 3 out of 3 appointments a bust. Anyway, I knew I needed to distract myself so I made a plan to build a new gaming pc. Very expensive, very fun, and I am super super excited for it. The old one couldnt play recent games, and as games are a big part of my life that was depressing.
I am so proud of this, cant put into words. I am beaming just writing about it. Mallaky, making gold out of shit since 2015.
Sometimes I get sudden bursts of guilt, but I try to work with them instead of letting them work me over.
My financial affairs are in order, the first time ever. Thats why I could get the credit for the new pc. After a lifetime of financial insecurity and shady dealings, it feels so good. Unreal even.
I manage to get my passions back. I still often feel like I dont want to write, watch something, play something, do anything really, but I know the moment I start the fun will be there. No more 12 hours browsing nonsense sessions to kill the day.
And then, of course the biggest thing: I am actively looking for therapists. They are allusive and annoying so far, but someday I will find someone not totally imcompetent. Its basic arithmetic lol. I hope its sooner then later, but I think I will manage without too much fallout either way.
And the most imporant aspects of it all: The last months was difficult enough, the crisis sufficently plentifull, that I can be sure this is not a fugue, a phase. It is a honest change. I worked for it, and the rewards are starting to show. Its an amazing feeling. I didnt know what the word "rewarding" was truly ment to express.
Wanted to say all this. Thanks for listening. Bragging feels wrong, but oh so right. :laugh: Im off now, preparing a healthly meal. Take care you all, thanks so much. Could not have done it without this forum.
edit: this took about 2 years give or take. am not entirely sure when to start counting. In a way it took my whole life, but in others just a year. Its definitely a long term project.
For some people the challange is to get their life back. The challenge for me was living at all, to stop being a badly written, shallow character in another persons story. Being more then a background noise for people whose life is worth living.
For the longest time I had no controll over any part of my life. My controll was so nonexistant, the concept so outlandish, that I did not even realize that was the case. I was only ever just reacting.
If you want to write an interesting story, you need to take care of the charactes agency. If your characters only ever react to outside influences, it makes for an dull and unengaging character and story. Action has to come from within the characters.
I was only ever reacting to the next crisis, the next issue, the next demands. I had none. I just wanted piece and quiet and could not get it .So on and on the rodeo went.
I have not smoked a single cigarette, not one puff, for over 7 months. Was a chainsmoker. I think I successfully quit. I dont feel bad about vaping my ecig at all. Costs hardly no money and I continually reduce my nicotin level.
Had zero alcohol for 2 months, and before that drastically reduced intake. Was my self-medication of choice. Was about to develop dependancy. I plan to only ever drink again to the most special of occassions and celebretions. Not nilly willy, once a week because I felt like it. Never because Im sad or anxious.
I started to excercise, a first in my life. Cardio and weightlifting. The weightlifting is unfortunately on a break right now, but that is because my thyroid medication is not right, and that takes a while. I liked lifting very much and miss it, and I am sure I am going to pick it up again. Next week I can get my thyroid hormone level tested again and medication adjusted, that will give my physcial energy back. Still do cardio regularly, which already is more then I did for rest of my life.
I fixed my nutrition. Sometimes I treat myself to something unhealthy, but in the past my treat days where the normal ones. Ate so badly for many years, either too much or nothing at all. Figured it out now.
There are good days and bad days. But nowadays the bad days are where in the past the good days stood.
A few weeks ago, I did not let a therapist allow to trample all over my dignity. I just stood up and left the building, not looking back. I did not yell, did not insult, neither did I sit there and take it and beg and plea. Afterwards I did endure the crash and ptsd symptoms with patience and awareness. Did not do anything stupid. Did not drink, did not smoke, did not overeat, did not go on a shopping spree, nothing. Did not take anger out on anyone or anything (beside some virtual monsters hehe. they are too dead to tell) Went a bit introvert and waited for the storm to blow over.
A year ago I realized I had allowed my troubles to make me cruel and cowardly. I had become a greedy baby, a bully. It was my rock bottom. My partner was about to leave me, he could not take it anymore. I turned myself around and he tells me, I make him very happy now. For years I stole his life, but I have given it back. He always made me happy, and it was about time I returned the favor.
There are so many pains and terros that tormented me, and I layed them to rest. I am okay now, I can look at the past without wanting to die of shame. What happened happened. Nothing I will do can ever change the past. Its only the present and future I can change. I accepted this on a deep and emotional level.
When something bad happens, and my PTSD symptoms explode in every which way, I remain collected. I remain in controll. I say things like "Please leave me alone. I need space. I am super symptomatic." and bury myself in my cuddle blanket. Afterwards I can explain what happened.
PTSD does not scare me anymore. In a way it has become a unpleasent but necessary game for me. I dont know every facet of the rules, just like playing a complicated videogame, but I got the gist of it. Sometimes shit spirals ouf of controll and I have no clue what happens, so I watch out for an opening to jump back in.
I am actively exploring what happiness is to me, who I am and what I want to do. I wanted to learn crocheting, but the stuff just lies around. I have not found the time or interest. But that is okay, my weightlifting dumbbells lay around for over a year before I picked them up, same with the hometrainer. I have a half written book lieing around somewhere. When I have got some more stability in life I will pick it back up and look what I have with it.
When something hurts I cry. Truth to be told I feel a bit emberrassed how much I cry, but I know I dont have to be. My partner never makes fun of me, he hugs me and we talk about it. And then its okay. For so many years I needed drugs to feel sadness, let alone joy. When there was a emotional movie to watch, I made sure I could drink me silly, otherwise time was wasted. Not any more.
Two weeks ago a therapist canceled one day before meeting. That hurt so much, threw me off for a week. That time I was just very introverted, played alot of videogames and did not care about excercise. Hugged alot, cried alot, sleep cycle was a disaster, but nothing major. Compared to how I would have handled a year ago, I barely reacted at all.
Two days ago another therapist canceled. I knew, that was a dangerous and critical situation. Not again, couldnt believe it! Wtf are they doing. 3 out of 3 appointments a bust. Anyway, I knew I needed to distract myself so I made a plan to build a new gaming pc. Very expensive, very fun, and I am super super excited for it. The old one couldnt play recent games, and as games are a big part of my life that was depressing.
I am so proud of this, cant put into words. I am beaming just writing about it. Mallaky, making gold out of shit since 2015.
Sometimes I get sudden bursts of guilt, but I try to work with them instead of letting them work me over.
My financial affairs are in order, the first time ever. Thats why I could get the credit for the new pc. After a lifetime of financial insecurity and shady dealings, it feels so good. Unreal even.
I manage to get my passions back. I still often feel like I dont want to write, watch something, play something, do anything really, but I know the moment I start the fun will be there. No more 12 hours browsing nonsense sessions to kill the day.
And then, of course the biggest thing: I am actively looking for therapists. They are allusive and annoying so far, but someday I will find someone not totally imcompetent. Its basic arithmetic lol. I hope its sooner then later, but I think I will manage without too much fallout either way.
And the most imporant aspects of it all: The last months was difficult enough, the crisis sufficently plentifull, that I can be sure this is not a fugue, a phase. It is a honest change. I worked for it, and the rewards are starting to show. Its an amazing feeling. I didnt know what the word "rewarding" was truly ment to express.
Wanted to say all this. Thanks for listening. Bragging feels wrong, but oh so right. :laugh: Im off now, preparing a healthly meal. Take care you all, thanks so much. Could not have done it without this forum.
edit: this took about 2 years give or take. am not entirely sure when to start counting. In a way it took my whole life, but in others just a year. Its definitely a long term project.
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