Relationship Stay Or Walk Away?

[Sweetpea76]

@journey31 It sounds like he is unable to function in a relationship at all, even if he wants too. You said it has been years he has been pushing-pulling. It may just be a temporary thing, or it may last a long, long time, even forever. This may be all he can offer you. Can you accept that?

 

[journey31]

@journey31 It sounds like he is unable to function in a relationship at all, even...

He said he's been cheated on a lot. And if this is how he acts, I see why. Most females won't put up with this. Especially not young ones. And they were in their early 20s. I don't know if him acting like this is a result, of the cheating or a cause of it.
He keeps telling me how scared he is of getting hurt and he's not ready.
If I could get ANY progress I would be OK. He's opening up, just a tiny bit. He is letting me know when he's upset now. He used to always say he was fine. So I'm hoping, that's his trust for me coming into play. And he will eventually take the walls down a notch. I'll keep waiting if there's progress. Even slow. I just don't know if there is any.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm at a loss of what to do. I don't want to walk away, but I need something from him.
How can I do this without making him feel backed into a corner?

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this... you aren't going to be able to get him to give you what he needs. You can tell him what you need, and he can react negatively, or he can react positively. The only thing that you can really do is decide where your line is, and how much you personally can take. That's the only thing you can control right now.

If you see progress in him, then obviously you are not to the breaking point yet. Just keep in mind, this may be all he can offer. Supporting the man you love is a wonderful, beautiful thing. The thing a lot of supporters don't realize though, doing it to the detriment of yourself doesn't make you a sainted martyr, it makes you codependent and unhealthy. If you are not healthy and happy, you can't be in a healthy and happy relationship. This is a hard lesson that all of us as supporters have to learn. Supporting = good. Codependent = bad.

It's a learning curve, and it is hard to use logic when you are in love and confused. Please don't forget to take care of yourself too. He's not the only one who needs support.

 

[Glara]

@journey31 my guy just texted today. Of course, because I'm ready to move on. I'm very happy to say he doesn't have cancer. I've had health issues too. He didn't ask specifically but just said he hopes I'm ok.

Here's what I've decided to do. In my case he and I are long distance. I've known him over 30 years, we dated in our 20s. I can't let him out of my completely, too much history. But I can't take the mental state I've been in either. So I'm going to savor the times when I hear form him and hope to see him again, but I'm going to date and make my plans like he's not a part of my life. If I meet someone new that I'm interested in, I'll be open to it. I'm on vacation with my daughter right now. I will continue to live my life and make plans like he's not there. When I'm in his state visiting other people, I will let him know and if he's willing or able to see me I will. If not, I won't take it personally. I won't take anything he does personally.

When we first reconnected he came on strong and fast. And I loved it. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall so hard. Now I know I can't have a real relationship with him. Emotionally I won't turn my back on him if he's suicidal but I also won't allow myself to think of a future. Just live in the moment with him.

 

[journey31]

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this... you aren't going to be able to get him to give you wh...

Yeah. Understandable.
He will tell me he will do better. But it's not consistent.
Or he will do it, but in a roundabout way.
Like I explained in a message what I was expecting and he didn't answer. Then two days later, he's asking if he can borrow something. So he gave me what I wanted, which was to see him, but it's like he needed an excuse to do it.

 

[Medley29]

I just started dating a man with PTSD a couple of months ago. He came on strong and pushed for a relationship with me. The first few weeks were wonderful and I've grown to care about him SO much. But right now I'm barely getting anything. He doesn't seem concerned with seeing me, and he barely responds to text messages. It has all made me such a nervous wreck. I spend so much time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I care about him so much.. And like some of you have said, I rarely get a direct answer about anything serious. I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do now.

 

[journey31]

I just started dating a man with PTSD a couple of months ago. He came on strong and pushed for a relationship with me....

Yeah. I tried to break it off..... AGAIN and yet again, he made excuses so I wouldn't leave.
This time he told me he was depressed. As in situational depression. And that's what's causing the distance. So of course I can't say oh well, I'm still done. He sucked me right back in.
But he still says he's not going to get help.
I'm just going to back off. That's all I can do.

 

[medley29]

Can someone give me some advice on how to distract myself when I know he needs space? When I'm concerned with how he's doing or feeling, it's challenging to go a long time without talking to him. What are the first steps to backing of and working on myself more to make sure that I can take on my own issues so that I am better equipped to support him?

 

[journey31]

Can someone give me some advice on how to distract myself when I know he needs space? When I'm concerne...

I write out what I want to say to him but never send it.

 

[DinaD]

So glad I found this thread. I'm new to all this and feeling quite emotional at how much everybody else's story resonates with my own. You really think you're alone and going crazy until your read and realize how real this thing is and how other's are struggling with it.

Began dating a guy nearly 5 months ago, he initially reached out to me and was a gentleman and courted me and pursued me in a very gentle way to get me to go out with him. We really connected and he opened up pretty early about his PTSD. I happen to work in mental health (which he didn't find out about until later on) so I wasn't phased by it when he built up to eventually telling me. I accepted this wonderful new man in my life completely 'as is'. We had an amazing first date (before he told me) and though we remained in phone contact I didn't get why he was so distant at times when I knew he liked me. He opened up that meeting me kinda knocked him for six as he felt unable to cope with his emotions and fondness for me. We have gone real slow since then, never been intimate but I knew that for me it was time to stop tredding water and find out from him how much of this is PTSD related or a case of 'not that in to you'. He was always offended in the past if I ever suggested that it was okay if he was simply not that in to me so I persevered with his slow pace. I was in no hurry as I felt I had found the one despite this flaw in him.

We had arranged to have a chat today to talk about things and he called on time (like he always does) it wasn't long and drawn out but I needed answers. He told me how much he likes me and how he feels but that his PTSD has a grip on him and he doesn't know how to free himself so he can be with me properly. He said he didn't think it fair to go in to a relationship knowing what he know's about himself and would be scared of letting me down. I of course tried to reassure him but at the same time did not try to change his mind. I didn't want to make it about me and be selfish but I don't want to ever force a relationship if its not 100% true and natural.

He said he doesn't know when he will be over it but I know that no matter how much I care for him I mustn't put my life on hold waiting around. I have left the door open for him to be able to talk to me if ever he needs a good listener but I'm am just so upset that I finally found someone awesome, no third parties are involved and he's the only one preventing us from being together. I kinda also have to believe that if he had real strong feelings for me the 'LOVE' being the powerful force that it is would surely overpower that and he would let me in and we could tackle it together. Just so sad right now and I know he probably is too. Not interested in meeting anyone else for now, I simply can't turn my feelings on/off like a tap.

I just started dating a man with PTSD a couple of months ago. He came on strong and pushed for a relationship with me....

I really feel you on this, I could have written this myself word for word.

 

[Sighs]

'LOVE' being the powerful force that it is

Love is like a baby's breath in a hurricane when PTSD is in the picture.