Still Feel Like A Child Inside

[Mit]

Thanks to everybody who (very bravely in my opinion) shared their thoughts and experiences about this. Reading the posts has been a moving and powerful experience and I am happy to admit I have been in tears at times. I've read and re-read them all, over and over. You are all such a brave lot, I wish I could comfort you all.

@Hope4Now It is a big comfort to know this is a feeling shared by so many. All the posts have opened my eyes to the possibility of trying new ways to ease some of the distress that seems stuck within me, and is holding me back. Thank you.

@jaccat I haven't heard of Transactional Analysis, but it sounds like it could be really helpful so I'll start looking into it, thanks for this. It does seem like it can be a very challenging thing to do, but you are absolutely worth the effort, no question, so I hope you will keep trying.

Why don't I accept the comfort? ..and for me it's because I think I don't deserve it. When people are kind to me in a selfless way, it hurts me. It brings emotions to the surface that I would just rather it stay down. I'm sure it's connected to the feeling of self-hatred but it's a less violent version of that. It's like the child version of it.

I know exactly what you mean, I feel like this too, and like you I feel I don't deserve kindness, attention or help. But we all do deserve it, so somehow we have to learn to accept it, somehow.

Acknowledging the child is a great step forward. It's obvious that the child wants to be heard. Go ahead and hear what he has to say. (I understand that this sounds like all kinds of psychological weirdness...but hear me out.) You are a grown man. That you are. You have the capability to hear and comfort that child.

This made me weep, isn't it amazing how just words can do that.....Thank you.

So what to do with the insight you have given me. I've given much thought to this over the last few days.

I've decided I will write to the young mit. I will write age appropriate letters to him, at various stages in his life. I'm going to start when he was 5, when he was adopted and would have been old enough to maybe read a simple letter, and then write again to him for each year older. I will tell him how much I love him and how I am caring and comforting him at that time, through distressing experiences.

I feel a bit weird about doing this, and confessing I'm going to, but it feels the most accessible way to communicate right now. At least I can take my own time and give it a try, nothing to lose.

I went for a walk yesterday to think about it, and I rehearsed in my mind what I might say in a letter to him. It was, at times very emotional, and feelings kept welling up, but I'm assuming this is ok. At the end I didn't feel any worse, so I guess it didn't do any harm.

I'm glad I posted my message, and I'm grateful for all the brave insights and help you've given me.

 

[WildMermaid]

@Mit This is going to be tmi probably. =/ still working on that whole self censoring thing. The adult part of us has to be able to keep life under control in regards to finances, families, and self care. Some of us though may still be in child mindset much of the time. I would not say I'm as splintered as I used to be, but more like there are two of me always walking through this life hand in hand. Sometimes the adult gets her way for a bit sometimes the little girl. When my kids hit the ages of the most volatile abuse I have a LOT more panic attacks and tears, but oddly am more "adult" at those times. Now, the kids are fine, healthy, and happy and my "little" has come tearing to the forefront. It can be a source of shame but it is also honestly who I am. That little girl didn't die she was just put to sleep in an underground castle for many many years and when she awoke (in therapy no less) she vowed never to sleep again. I'm almost 40 and also 5. When I'm 90 i have a sneaking suspicion I'll also be about 5. I know this is an old topic and I hope this does not upset you. You were brave to post the original topic, and i respect that very much. :hug: if you like them

 

[ihateusernames]

I know you've gotten several responses saying basically the same thing, but I'll tell you, too. I'm right there with you. I feel like a powerless, isolated little kid who has no control over her circumstances a lot. A disturbing lot. In my head I know exactly why it happens and I know how to rationalize it "away" but that doesn't actually keep it away. This is probably not super reassuring, but I suspect it will always be there. I do feel like understanding it helps quite a bit. At least it takes away the embarrassment over it. At least for me that stops it from being a shameful defect- like I am genuinely immature and childish- and turns it into a completely understandable response to things that have happened.

And you know what, the most "healthy" "normal" person you know still cries sometimes and still needs comforting. Those needs don't just go away with adulthood.

 

[Sophie142543]

During a recent period of intense anxiety, which lasted a weekend, I left my family and went for a walk alon...

This is me exactly. Especially the comfort thing. I still find myself looking more for a father figure than a boyfriend because I want that comfort. Would we be able to maybe email or something as I've never heard of anyone experiencing this so similarly to me

 

[Mit]

I'd be happy to talk. Are you able to send me a private message?

 

[cicilie]

try to be a woman/man outside and be a child inside