Childhood Still struggling with my past

[Moni]

My mom was an alcoholic and she got sober when I was 13 all by herself, with absolutely no help, but I'm...

I am so sorry for your plight, I totally understand you being closed off as I feel the same. I believe your mom is oblivious to this damage she has caused, they don't know until they are dying. Then all of a sudden they care and apologize, but so much damage has been done by then it is hArd to say okay I accept your apology. Yeah u do it anyway to be considerate. You realize so much damage has been done and they didn't mean to contribute to it, so you are agein stuck in a lull. What do you do with it? I'm an adult and I still have not figured it out,

I've been through abuse from strangers and family so I kind of hide with my pup and just work hoping for the best.

 

[LadyZane]

@IamJenna

I'm just so upset, like I'm using ALL of my coping mechanisms, positive a...

This is how I felt until I started taking antidepressants, honestly. They're not right for everybody, but for me, it was like, I'm intelligent enough to understand how to put all this in perspective, I'm motivated enough to try whatever I need to try to learn how to cope with it, I'm diligent enough to keep trying everything that's supposed to help. I'm working on it in therapy. I'm reading about it at home. And it still isn't working. So that's when I started thinking, maybe it's my brain. I went to a psychiatrist and started on an NDRI antidepressant and things finally did get better.

Fast forward five years and the same thing sort of happened again, but in a more situational way. For instance my boss yelled at me one day and I kind of went into a tailspin. That's when I started realizing, I think this is anxiety. Normally, when life stresses me out, I do this breathing, I think about things a certain way, and I'm fine. Right now I can't stop lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling and pulling my hair. Maybe this is like the depression and it's my brain. I added a small dose of Xanax to the mix as needed and poof, the negative feedback loop disappeared.

I'm still really short on life skills thanks to my crappy upbringing, but now the coping mechanisms to deal with situational stress DO work 19 times out of 20, and I can think things through systematically instead of just freaking out and feeling overwhelmed with no solution in sight.

I also cut my toxic mom out of my life -- long before any of this came about -- but that sounds like it may not be a road you want to go down. You sound like you feel a lot of love and appreciation for your parents, you just want them to acknowledge the damage they caused you and actually be supportive presences for you now as you try to get through it.

 

[Stills]

@LadyZane Thank you for your comment. As time goes on, I realize that I probably should be medicated, that it may help me because I see these patterns that I can't break...I have a hard time, but mental health in the black community is like unheard of, and I just feel like it's something that I can't do. I'm afraid I'll never break this pattern, never be able to fully step outside of myself, but I'm going to keep exploring all my options because I want medication to be my last resort. It's like I'm waiting to have a complete break in order to surrender...I always think I'm going to kill myself in the future, and it just keeps getting more delusional. I don't trust counselling.

I also have a disability. I'm hard of hearing and wear hearing aids in both ears since 10 months old, so of course I have traumatic experiences from being severely mistreated and ignored constantly. I cannot heal from this without engaging in the disability community, but also, knowing and realizing that my parents wanted me to be a certain way, pushed me towards greatness, but the fact is I'm not normal, I never will be normal, I'll never hear like people who don't use hearing aids, and the fact is that I was completely isolated and alienated throughout my childhood and I'm so goddamn angry that I wasn't even around other children who were like me. I didn't have to be so alone in my life. I could've been with other deaf kids, but my parents didn't want that. They wanted me to be "better" than that, and I'll never forgive them for their choices. You have a kid with a disability, you need to ACCEPT that, and go above and beyond to make sure they're supported in those ways, but only did they in the name of success. I was put into mainstream schools where I was ridiculed and my parents kept me there for years before they filed a lawsuit agains the school. One of the teachers who discriminated against me was fired, and still I was kept in that school. They never wanted a disabled kid, from their actions. I always had to be better, I could never get good grades in school, and I never spoke clearly enough for them. I'm just so upset, why couldn't I have been myself? And for my mom to PRETEND she gives a damn about disability rights is the biggest f*cking joke of all. So now she's not getting me around. Have fun with everyone else, but you lost me years ago, and I'm not putting up with any BS.

 

[Kintsugi]

Ugh. Mainstreamed HoH in the name of normalization. I can't imagine how that's affected you on top of everything else.

Have you tried learning ASL? Wherever you live, I'm pretty certain the Deaf community will embrace you. Have you ever sought support on a Deaf forum as well? There are a couple of thriving ones.

Mental health intervention may be unheard of in your community, but there are all kinds of black scholars who write about their mental health and trauma struggles. Do you read novels? You might like Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings or Tony Morrison's Sula, Gloria Naylor's Bailey's Cafe, maybe Jamaica Kincaid's work. Andre Lorde is one I'm just getting into.

I don't know if someone has already suggested it, but I know a septuagenarian who still attends meetings as an Adult Child of Alcoholics. He talked to me about it once, said it was really helpful.

 

[Stills]

Ugh. Mainstreamed HoH in the name of normalization. I can't imagine how that's affected you on top...

Thank you so much for your comment, I wasn't sure who would understand. I've only just now begun to involve myself more in the deaf community. I'm not fully immersed, and it just makes me sad to know I could've been, that I don't know much about a culture I belong to!

I researched he ACOA thing and it sounds interesting lol, it's just weird for me to wrap my head around, but you know I might check that out...

Love Maya Angelou's work. And yes, a lot of work has been done around mental health and the black community, I think it's really just my parents who couldn't help themselves, and I promised myself that I would for the rest of my life. I find that it's difficult when there isn't accurate representation, but I realize that the more I engage myself with the deaf community, I may feel more of a belonging, and like such things are accessible and available to me. I just heard about counselling for the deaf and HoH, and I'm thinking that would be helpful to have someone understand how I live and navigate in a hearing world. Thank you so much for your comment, I really appreciate it.

 

[LadyZane]

@LadyZane Thank you for your comment. As time goes on, I realize that I probably shou...

I have found counseling helpful to a certain degree but I really feel like if you go through enough stuff -- especially a combination of stuff, dealing with familial issues AND being HoH in a school that didn't support you -- it feels like your therapist can only understand you to a certain point. I do think it's helpful, but i've definitely had to lower my expectations over the years.

Have you ever thought about group therapy? I had someone suggest that to me a few years ago but have never tried it. I can see how talking to people who have been through more of the stuff we have, instead of a "professional" who's trying to draw on formal training, could actually feel more comfortable and useful.