This made me think
After not disclosing to anyone the sexual abuse ( which i have accpeted to call it now) for years and years, and it messing me up in loads of ways badly.
I finally told a therapist, the weird thing as i started the therapy on this, i could not or would not agree that it was abuse, i would say ' i started having sex at an early age', or that it wasnt abuse, it was sex, and thats that.
I would describe my experiances not as something bad happining to me, but defend him by saying i must have been a 'gay' child. And he made me feel happy and i actuaully enjoyed it.(im sorry i know that sounds bad, but this was how i felt at 8)
It took quiet a few sessions, after every time i said about having sex at an early age,to avoid the abuse word , my therapist would immediately say, 'sexual abuse',,, which i would get frustrated because i didnt see it as abuse, i saw it as him giving me attention and some sort of love, and i rememeber at that age (8) i did have a bond with him, as i didnt care what he was doing (he was 14), i just wanted to be around him cause he was nice to me.
The therapist wanted me to accept it was sexual abuse, but i felt how could i call it abuse, i didnt feel it abusive, and didnt want to say that it was,,,,, sessions went by and i hated my therapist kept saying that. And she asked me to say it,,,,,,, say it was 'sexual abuse',,,,, was really difficult for me,,, i didnt want to say it, but i forced the words out,,, and said ok,,,,,' he sexually abused me'.
I felt odd, i felt cause for three years this was happining, i never objected to sex, i participated and done what i was asked, and at that age i loved this person more than my own family and wanted to spend as much time around him as possible, so saying that it was abuse, felt i was making a lie and betraying him, but after more therapy and acceptance that a 14 year old gaining trust and grooming me an 8 year old for sex was in fact abuse.
I know looking back that if at anytime from 8 to 11 when this was happining, That i would have never told, and would have been upset if anyone took me away from him, i had truely bonded with my abuser.
Now i am able to say it was 'sexual abuse' although it took me alot of therapy for me to accept this. But i still hold inside me, a sense of falseness about this label.
I saw this person in a pub a while back in the start of the year, i was confused, as at times i have held anger at him, for the confusions in my life, but when i was in the pub with him, small talk happened, played some pool with him, and even had a laugh or two,,,,,, i didnt make no hostile move, i said no hostile words, but in fact once again i felt small part of that bond that i had before.
This doesnt really make sense to me, like i said in the anger post, i dont feel anger, i dont know if i should, just numb trying to work it out and how i should feel about it, like i said it took therapy even to say it was abusive.
After reading about this syndronme, and reflecting on myself and my situation, it comes kinda close to how i felt and the way i couldnt even say it was abusive and even defended him in therapy saying it was just sex and i was a gay child.
The therapy of my sexual abuse is still very much at starting stages, think the best move forward that i have made so far is to recognise it was actually abuse, and am able to say it was, but to be truthful half me still dont beleive it was abusive because i was so receptive and actively parcipating, and in a weird sense i know if i meet him again, that bond that was made would still be there.
Im sorry if that sounds bad but im being truthful.
Anyway .
