Relationship Stopping A Tantrum Before It Starts???

[HelloMo80]

I had a conversation today where I felt it. It was like the air was sucked out of the room and the storm was rolling in. The conversation was mundane, average and routine...or so I thought. However, I was called a liar - jokingly - yet not so jokingly, during the course of the dialogue. I opened the floor for him to elaborate on why he said that. He refused. Then he said a few other smart remarks when I was talking before ending the conversation altogether.

I highly doubt I'll ever get used to this "out of the blue" stuff. We didn't argue. I try not to argue with him because I see no point. Sometimes I do (I'm definitely not perfect) but most of the times I can cut it short, walk away and let it be until he calms down.

I know that storm cloud though. Here's what usually happens.

1) A baseless accusation (or a series of them) are made...
2) I ask about the origins of his accusation...
3) He usually doesn't say...
4) But, then he finds some reason to support his accusation of me being a ______ (insert whatever negative thing here).

I used to get very beside myself when this happened because he really gets going and I'm left scratching my head like "what just happened...what did I do?" However, through therapy I realized that it's a security tactic used to make me "prove" that I'm not whatever it is he thinks I am at that moment. If I "prove" myself to his satisfaction then the cycle resets and it happens again later. However, I don't join in the "prove yourself" dance. If he makes a baseless accusation then I just tell him that that's his issue and he's going to have to deal with it. I won't defend myself against unfounded "thoughts."

Today made me wonder if there is a better way to deal with that so the tantrum is stopped before it starts. I can't control his behavior but I can control mine. I'm wondering if there is anything further than what I'm already doing that others have tried that have worked for them.

Thoughts?

 

[rightkindofme]

Calling you a liar is a way of saying he doesn't have to listen to you or respect what you say. That is not ok.

 

[HelloMo80]

Calling you a liar is a way of saying he doesn't have to listen to you or respect what you say. That is not ok.

I have never thought of it that way, but you have a point. I just know I don't like that whole cycle and would like to nip it before it begins. Right now, I do my best to just ignore it because it's his issue. Was more so wondering if anyone else deals with this type of behavior and, if so, what thoughts/experiences (and dare I say, successes) they have had in handling it.

 

[intothelight]

1) A baseless accusation (or a series of them) are made...
2) I ask about the origins of his accusation...

Since the accusations are baseless, I wouldn't even proceed to asking him why. Just let you know you are sorry he feels that way, and when and if he wants to discuss it, to let you know. Walk away and let him ponder it. It also doesn't hurt to say that calling you names is unacceptable and just leave it at that.

Only your husband can know why he engages in the behavior he does, and he may not even understand at this point why he does it. But he is able to understand that you won't participate and that you find it hurtful, and that is reinforced by setting boundaries that check it when it starts. However, by leaving the option open for further discussion, you aren't shutting him out but just shutting down an unhealthy exchange.

 

[HelloMo80]

intothelight.... "Since the accusations are baseless, I wouldn't even proceed to asking him why."

THANK YOU! That is an excellent point and good way not to start that merry-go-round process. I never thought about the fact that since the accusation is baseless, asking about the origins of it is counterproductive. Sometimes it takes someone outside of the chaos to help navigate it. I'll be sure to keep that in mind and stop engaging that behavior.

That was like a lightbulb moment. Lol. Thanks.

 

[snappy_turtle]

I'm a sufferer, not a supporter, but I often try to read the supporter pages too to get an idea of what my boyfriend goes through when I'm being insufferable especially since I have hypervigilant tendencies.

Something I saw someone else recommend to another supporter was to ask them if they need some time to themselves, some personal space to think and process what they're feeling before approaching you about it. I told my significant other about this because as a sufferer, I can actively see this as being something they say that communicates to me while I'm about to get into that nasty cycle you described, that I need to take a step back before things get out of whack.

I would definitely suggest talking with your significant other to see if they think this could be like a code phrase or something if he's aware that he goes through these cycles. If he's not aware of these cycles, then it might be good to bring it to his attention in a comfortable environment so that you can help him become aware of them. Tread cautiously, though. I know that at least with my own self, when someone tells me something like that, I can get pretty defensive quickly. Focus on opening up that channel of communication with your hubby the best way you know possible to bring him to awareness of his mood cycle, and once it becomes internalized in him, you can help him more effectively stop it right from the get-go.