Strange Urges

[Auburngirl]

I get strange urges - often an urge to cut my wrists (sometimes this is quite strong) and when the situation presents itself an urge to either open the emergency exit window on planes, or throw myself from high windows.

I've never acted on any of these and do not wish to harm or kill myself. I take measures to make sure I can't act on them (ie never sitting next to a window on a plane), and one of the chief things that dissuades me from cutting is that other people would see, there might be scars, I might ahve to go to emergency, etc.

I don't understand it - I don't seek pain, I'm not trying to get attention, and I don't actually want to die.

Does anyone else have urges like this, and do you understand what they mean for you?

 

[reallydown]

I sometimes get the urge to punch someone/something...I'd never act on it (unless, we're talking pillows) but I guess this is because of all that anger that's trying to find a way out...Still...I hate myself when I get like that (and then ge teven mor eangry!! ugh)

 

[linasmom]

Just a few weeks ago, when I was in the midst of a major depressive episode and there was a lot of commotion in the house, I was standing in the kitchen and there was a knife on the counter, I had the biggest urge to pick it up and stick it through my windpipe.

I've never self-harmed and I, too, do not want to die (have never attempted suicide). Do you find yourself having these urges during stressful situations? Or maybe other situations where you find yourself becoming anxious or triggered?

 

[linasmom]

Sorry, I didn't really answer that last question - I did tell my Therapist about it and after fleshing through it all, it was me needing to say - "look at me, I'm in pain".

I'm always trying to "downplay" how I actually feel inside because I don't want other people to "think" I'm needy and I also don't want them to worry about me.

 

[Riggs413]

Thanks Auburngirl for bringing this subject forward. I have similiar feelings as you and never acknowledged it until now. I know what my topic with my T will be this week.

I don't know why, when I am on a highrise balcony I feel like flinging myself over the railing. I am not looking to kill myself, not looking for attention and have never discussed my urges before now.

I can't answer your question today, but I will get back to you on this.

 

[Damiea]

Hello, I don't have PTSD but this caught my eye.

I have never had a fear of heights but when I am up high looking down from a really big drop I get incredible urges to jump. It terrifies me and it takes all my will power to hold myself back. No clue where it comes from or if its some strong unconscious desire to fly! I have always had dreams of flying so not sure if it comes from that or not. It is a strange experience but figured I would add to this post so you know its not just you and its not always just PTSD people! I too take measures to keep myself from getting into situations that make this feeling come on.

 

[Auburngirl]

Thanks for your replies. I very much relate to the urge to fling myself from balconies. I've been trying to track when I feel like this - sometimes it's when I'm nervous or worried, or want to escape, with the wrist cutting it sometimes a feeling of wanting to have a visual representation of pain, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed. But the wrist cutting one sometimes is literally going through my head all day, and the airplane one occurs whenever I am in that situation (and I'm not afraid of flying, have no associations that I can think of with planes).

 

[Anonymoose]

The urge to jump off a high place like a bridge (or the feeling that one is going to jump) is normal. It's not related to PTSD or depression per se unless one is experiencing suicidal ideation and the desire to self-harm by jumping off the bridge.

 

[nic]

Could it be due to wanting to escape? Feeling like you're trapped?

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

These are called intrusive thoughts. Kind of like a compulsive behavior disorder. I have them too and they irritate the crap out of me.

Tammy

 

[redtriskell]

I've personally known a few cutters- people who did cut their wrists or arms or legs- and none of them did it for attention seeking. Some of them did it to have a visual representation of their inner pain. Some of them did it just so they could feel SOMETHING, even if that was only pain. And some of them thought of it as a release for their intense or difficult emotions. I do not think this kind of thinking is strange in our ranks. Many of us have no visible scars. I used to wish my father would break my bones so I would have proof of what he did. Sometimes I still wish I had physical scars to show all those people who have the "that was a long time ago and you should be over it by now" approach. They aren't like that if your scars are on the outside. red

 

[Arcticboy1970]

Yep I have lots of them

I actually searched the message list for this topic, I have thoughts like this regularly. The best description that I have been able to give people, my therapist included, has been when you catch yourself thinking something...almost like a daydream or daynightmare might be a better word, where it involves hurting yourself, and sometimes there is a feel like an internal "push" to get you moving in that direction. Then I catch myself and think "whoa boy" lets not go down that road again. I used to have a hard time not listening to those thoughts, or resisting those pushes. I have learned to resist though.

In looking at the descriptions that people gave I see alot of the self harm types of thoughts. I have those ones - like driving my truck over an embankment, ot into a tree or an oncoming car. Drowning, shooting, cutting, jumping, etc. All of these types of thought have occured at one time or another. Let's talk about the other type of thought, these self harm ones are the ones we are easy for us to look at, its almost "acceptable" for us to have these thoughts. What about the intrusive ones where you get those thoughts about others. These are the ones that really scared me, and still do. These are the ones that made me actually get help. These types of thoughts have been about hurting others, causing them pain. I have even caught myself going down the path of planning to hurt someone and then catching myself thinknig those thoguhts and saying again "Whoa, holy crap! That is not who you are! Or, who you want to be."

Gladly, I haven't acted on the thoughts in a very long time. I used to be a soldier and had to think that way at times. As in, I need to go there and do this to those people. I found myself applying those thoguhts to those people that really hurt me in the past. My step dad, my mom, the babysitter, etc. Though I caught myself before I followed through on any of these, there have been close calls, having all the key elements in place and just needing to initiate.

Then on occasion I found myself thinking the same types of things with innocent people (that sounds bad), the person walking towards me on the sidewalk, or the guy that gives me a dirty look in a restaurant.

I don't think I am alone in this, at least my therapist said I wasn't. Do others want to talk about these thoughts?