This is my last long post. Really. I just can't help myself.
Those couple of recent, quick periods where I could sort of feel the old fear and feel my muscles tensing because of it, I was also somewhat analyzing it with my adult skills I think; it was a strange sensation. I'm pretty sure I can't do this on purpose, it happened and then stopped. "On purpose" is a weird phrase with this stuff; maybe I mean, my ANP isn't in control of it? hmmm
What you're describing sounds a bit like aspects of somatic therapy where you "get to know" parts of yourself that show up physically as well as emotionally. On purpose isn't a weird statement at all. I'm still working (through mindful movement) to learn how to do some of this stuff on purpose. I am not good at it.
No fibromyalgia but pain sensations might sometimes be similar.
Think of how a very small person would protect themselves if they could not run or fight. Core caves in, back tenses.
I was not diagnosed with fibromyalgia either, but I have wild trigger points that don't seem to follow any logical course of nerves and nerve endings.
The position you describe is usually the one I end up in regularly...awake or asleep...closest thing to safe. My therapist is now having me take up positions in which I make myself big. He says I need to learn that it is safe to take up space in the world. It is really hard to do this, but I am a little at a time and it is helping. So when I'm curled up and aware of it, I see if I can gently uncurl and stretch out...even if it is just my fingers or toes. I'm getting to where I can stretch out my whole body though.
Once she had unlocked the shoulder and I was able to move it, I started having these crazy dreams. In waking hours, if I moved my shoulder too far I would faint. One night, in the form of a flashback it came to me why my shoulder was affected and why I was so sensitive to people invading my left peripheral view. They were tied together. When I was very young, my abusers would pick me up (using their right arm) and freak on me and scare the crap out of me. Since they used their right arm to lift me, I would see them peripherally from my left side as I was twisting frantically to the right to try to get away from them. There was a reason. Once I knew the reason I could challenge it. I did exercises to loosen it up more and more acupuncture but this time with awareness. Sort of an exposure therapy.
Wow. That's an amazing insight. Have you done any processing in therapy with this incompleted movement? Have you connected with any of the emotions that underlie it? I'm asking because I know I haven't and that it's what needs to happen to fully process it/integrate it.
Makes me wonder about some fuzzy stuff that's come up in my flashbacks. I have had problems on my right side from the time I was a little kid. Even most of the injuries I've had have been on my right side. And one of the predictable involuntary movements I get is a powerful twisting to the right...twisted so hard one time that I pulled muscles in my left side that hurt for months.
We had one notable session where I cried so hard (sitting on my deck) that (sorry for the graphic) there was still a pile of snot on the boards several hours later. It worked tho, I can't remember what it was about exactly. Others not caring about me maybe? That is usually the big ticket item. On that occasion some bit of me or other had something to say and she has me/it say it over and over until the energy "shifted" and I could say it calmly. I can now sometimes do this for myself on my own. She calls this "clearing" the energy.
Wow! This is cool. I mean awful, but also cool that you can get release like this and that you can even do it on your own sometimes. Wow. How did you get to the point of the emotion happening? Did it just emerge?
I think my therapist is trying to get me to do this kind of releasing a little bit at a time, but the ANP(s) are having none of it. No emotion, just physical movement stuff and, more recently, some sounds coming out of me unbidden. Ugh. But progress I suppose from being completely frozen.
I can't find the 'right position', ever - whether walking, sitting or anything, really.
I get this totally. It has taken me 18 months of body work, somatic therapy, and lessons in the Alexander technique to gain a little glimmer of what the "right" position is for me. Every once in a while, I can sort of coordinate it all physically and feel the rightness, but then it snaps right back. Darned those ANPs and EPs.
Interesting.....I had NO idea about my trauma when I had the work done.
Me neither. It was the body worker who suggested I ought to go to a trauma therapist. I kind of rolled my eyes, but went because I was so desperate to resolve the pain. I really had no clue until last fall that I was "traumatized" even though I was aware of some of the things that happened to me.
My ANP does not yell at me, instead it says 'you can quit faking now' but regardless of how much I try I cannot move. The EP takes over my whole body. I am trying to move my baby finger these days, thinking that even as an infant, they can move their pinky. It seems to be working. I have decided it isn't an all or nothing thing. One finger is better than nothing.
It's great that you are moving your little finger. Can you open your eyes? It is really, really hard for me to do this, but if I can for a moment and be aware of my breathing, sometimes I can get unfrozen.
Still there are parts of me that completely deny the reality of any of what I call "hijacking" by parts and tell me I'm making it all up. The part that says "you can quit faking now" is a protector part. Doesn't want you to feel the emotional pain that underlies the immobility/space out/dissociation whatever you want to call it. Does that resonate?
