Struggling in My Marriage After an Abusive Childhood

[Jasi]

Hi everyone,


I’m reaching out because I’m having a really hard time in my marriage, and I’m trying to make sense of how much of it is connected to my past trauma.

I grew up in a very abusive home. I’m the oldest of four, and my father was physically abusive—but only toward me. For years, I endured it alone. My mother never intervened, even when it happened behind closed doors. I had to apologize on my knees for things I didn’t even do. It left deep wounds.

My dad passed away six years ago. By then, I had somewhat made peace with him—he was still difficult and argumentative, but I had created enough space with my own life to feel safer. I started therapy after he died, and it helped me process a lot of the pain. But after getting married, some old patterns and reactions started resurfacing, and it’s been incredibly confusing and distressing.

My husband also grew up in an abusive home—his father belittled and mocked him. As a result, he’s very sensitive to raised voices and tends to assert himself through control and dominance, especially during conflict.

I don’t rage with anyone else the way I do with him. It’s not something I’m proud of—I'm deeply ashamed of it—but sometimes I feel like he pushes me to a breaking point. He often expects me to stay calm, be soft, and meet his emotional needs, but when I ask for the same understanding or space, it’s not reciprocated.

One major turning point came just before I gave birth to our son. There was a conflict with my family around a vacation they planned without including us. My husband pushed me to confront them even though I felt emotionally overwhelmed and asked to wait until after the birth. When I couldn’t handle it, he accused me of not caring about him, and it escalated to the point where I had to cut contact with my entire family. Since then, this issue has become a constant point of conflict, especially regarding my sister, who eventually apologized. I started to talk to her through Whatsapp and still include my husband and ask if they eventually will appologize to him - since he is so vocal about it. He wants a written appology before he can move forward in any way. While I understand how deeply hurt he is, it feels as if he makes everything about himself even if he says it's about my protection.

Lately, things have gotten even harder. He insists on knowing where I am at all times and calls it a “favor” when he watches our children. When I try to communicate boundaries or express how certain things affect me, he tells me I’m being unreasonable or emotional. He often brings up my past or compares me to my mother, despite me asking him many times not to. He even discusses our conflicts with his mother to get validation, which leaves me feeling even more isolated and blamed.

I am in therapy and working with a psychiatrist to heal from my past and understand my reactions better. I know that raging is not okay. I'm not trying to excuse it—but I am trying to understand where it’s coming from and how to respond differently. Has anyone else experienced something similar—feeling like unresolved trauma shows up in your current relationship in overwhelming ways?

I feel like I’m constantly walking a tightrope between shame, anger, and sadness. I desperately want to heal—for myself, my children, and my marriage. But I often feel like I’m failing, and that the pain from my past makes me unworthy of being heard, understood, or even loved.

Thank you for reading this. It means more than I can say.

 

[arfie]

hello jasi. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

after 45 years with the same husband, i still don't know how much is me, how much is him and how much is whose ptsd when those hideous domestic squabbles disrupt our peaceful home. i summarize it as, "a dance we do together" and try to avoid the blame game, altogether. my greater interest is avoiding as much of the damage as possible. i do so by carrying the confusion into my therapy support network and sorting it, one conflict at a time.

this very forum is one of the nodes on my therapy support network. i hope it serves you as well as it has served me.

welcome aboard.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Welcome. My PTSD was a major part of the failure of my marriage. Unfortunately neither of us understood what was going on until it was too late. We did not have any rage type stuff but I couldn’t handle group activities and confusing situations. I tried very hard to save the marriage but I failed. I feared having the marriage fail and worried that I would not be able to take care of myself. Surprisingly, filing for divorce has turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done. I am mindfully creating a new life for myself as I continue therapy and working on myself. I am seeing someone new. We are both trauma survivors but she has been working on healing for decades. We talk about how we each become dysregulated so that when the other see it they can be supported and not take it personally.

Although you didn’t mention violence and there may not be any yet, I am sensing something similar to a domestic violence cycle. My observation from practicing law and handling DV cases is that DV is like a virus. A person who has never had DV in a relationship may bring that cycle to future relationships. There is also an unconscious attraction between DV perps and victims. Thus it is important to get into therapy for yourself. Many decades ago I was married to a woman who was very violent as my mother was, surprise, surprise. I was the victim but I was so scared by the situation that I went to a men’s group for DV to better understand it as I never wanted that in my life again and fortunately I have been spared that. You ca’t change anyone but yourself so that is what you should focus on. I would recommend marriage counseling as well as personal therapy for your spouse. The “in writing” thing sounds really weird an troubling. What is the point of that? The only thing I can think of is to waive it around and cause more problems in the family, it is quite troubling.

The most important thing I can say is this stuff passes from generation to generation and you have a young child that needs stability. As a parent you have a duty to protect your child as you were not protected. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Friday]

So you know where you & he both fight badly… are there other instances where you fight well?

If so, that’s a useful negative to hold up against when you both are being gasoline & fire.

 

[Jas]

So you know where you & he both fight badly… are there other instances where you fight well?

If so, that’s a useful negative to hold up against when you both are being gasoline & fire.

We don‘t really fight otherwise. It‘s mostly him kind of pushing me to a point where I can’t take it anymore and then I rage. With my past I wasn’t first able to express my feeling and I feel, that I have learned a lot in expressing what I feel. But he doesn’t seem to think that maybe helping me in not using my triggers (which my therapist told me to figure out) is his job. And everyone has to give validation to his feeling and what he needs (for example the being out with a friend and sending me a voice message and if I don’t respond immediately and in the way he wants with like a „yes understood“ which feels like being a little girl and being with told what she has to say - he calls me). Feels like terrorizing me. He has ni flexibility or patience. And that‘s where I struggle.
Most of the times I can stay more or less calm and just walk away or not react. But sometimes it‘s just enough.

 

[Susan Jane]

Hi everyone,


I’m reaching out because I’m having a really hard time in my marriage, and I’m trying to make sense of how much of it is connected to my past trauma.

I grew up in a very abusive home. I’m the oldest of four, and my father was physically abusive—but only toward me. For years, I endured it alone. My mother never intervened, even when it happened behind closed doors. I had to apologize on my knees for things I didn’t even do. It left deep wounds.

My dad passed away six years ago. By then, I had somewhat made peace with him—he was still difficult and argumentative, but I had created enough space with my own life to feel safer. I started therapy after he died, and it helped me process a lot of the pain. But after getting married, some old patterns and reactions started resurfacing, and it’s been incredibly confusing and distressing.

My husband also grew up in an abusive home—his father belittled and mocked him. As a result, he’s very sensitive to raised voices and tends to assert himself through control and dominance, especially during conflict.

I don’t rage with anyone else the way I do with him. It’s not something I’m proud of—I'm deeply ashamed of it—but sometimes I feel like he pushes me to a breaking point. He often expects me to stay calm, be soft, and meet his emotional needs, but when I ask for the same understanding or space, it’s not reciprocated.

One major turning point came just before I gave birth to our son. There was a conflict with my family around a vacation they planned without including us. My husband pushed me to confront them even though I felt emotionally overwhelmed and asked to wait until after the birth. When I couldn’t handle it, he accused me of not caring about him, and it escalated to the point where I had to cut contact with my entire family. Since then, this issue has become a constant point of conflict, especially regarding my sister, who eventually apologized. I started to talk to her through Whatsapp and still include my husband and ask if they eventually will appologize to him - since he is so vocal about it. He wants a written appology before he can move forward in any way. While I understand how deeply hurt he is, it feels as if he makes everything about himself even if he says it's about my protection.

Lately, things have gotten even harder. He insists on knowing where I am at all times and calls it a “favor” when he watches our children. When I try to communicate boundaries or express how certain things affect me, he tells me I’m being unreasonable or emotional. He often brings up my past or compares me to my mother, despite me asking him many times not to. He even discusses our conflicts with his mother to get validation, which leaves me feeling even more isolated and blamed.

I am in therapy and working with a psychiatrist to heal from my past and understand my reactions better. I know that raging is not okay. I'm not trying to excuse it—but I am trying to understand where it’s coming from and how to respond differently. Has anyone else experienced something similar—feeling like unresolved trauma shows up in your current relationship in overwhelming ways?

I feel like I’m constantly walking a tightrope between shame, anger, and sadness. I desperately want to heal—for myself, my children, and my marriage. But I often feel like I’m failing, and that the pain from my past makes me unworthy of being heard, understood, or even loved.

Thank you for reading this. It means more than I can say.

To be honest, which I alway am, I lived through many relationships where I raged and pandered to my partner's needs and not mine. I have also worked through my issues with therapists many. I found my relationships had a pattern, people who had their own issues that coincided with mine. It was no one’s “fault”. I believe the newest term for this is trauma bonding, I call it codependency. It took me a long time to accept. I cannot say if it is the same thing but I do know it is exhausting. Have you tried to go to therapy together? Sending my understanding Susan

 

[Mach123]

Hi everyone,


I’m reaching out because I’m having a really hard time in my marriage, and I’m trying to make sense of how much of it is connected to my past trauma.

I grew up in a very abusive home. I’m the oldest of four, and my father was physically abusive—but only toward me. For years, I endured it alone. My mother never intervened, even when it happened behind closed doors. I had to apologize on my knees for things I didn’t even do. It left deep wounds.

My dad passed away six years ago. By then, I had somewhat made peace with him—he was still difficult and argumentative, but I had created enough space with my own life to feel safer. I started therapy after he died, and it helped me process a lot of the pain. But after getting married, some old patterns and reactions started resurfacing, and it’s been incredibly confusing and distressing.

My husband also grew up in an abusive home—his father belittled and mocked him. As a result, he’s very sensitive to raised voices and tends to assert himself through control and dominance, especially during conflict.

I don’t rage with anyone else the way I do with him. It’s not something I’m proud of—I'm deeply ashamed of it—but sometimes I feel like he pushes me to a breaking point. He often expects me to stay calm, be soft, and meet his emotional needs, but when I ask for the same understanding or space, it’s not reciprocated.

One major turning point came just before I gave birth to our son. There was a conflict with my family around a vacation they planned without including us. My husband pushed me to confront them even though I felt emotionally overwhelmed and asked to wait until after the birth. When I couldn’t handle it, he accused me of not caring about him, and it escalated to the point where I had to cut contact with my entire family. Since then, this issue has become a constant point of conflict, especially regarding my sister, who eventually apologized. I started to talk to her through Whatsapp and still include my husband and ask if they eventually will appologize to him - since he is so vocal about it. He wants a written appology before he can move forward in any way. While I understand how deeply hurt he is, it feels as if he makes everything about himself even if he says it's about my protection.

Lately, things have gotten even harder. He insists on knowing where I am at all times and calls it a “favor” when he watches our children. When I try to communicate boundaries or express how certain things affect me, he tells me I’m being unreasonable or emotional. He often brings up my past or compares me to my mother, despite me asking him many times not to. He even discusses our conflicts with his mother to get validation, which leaves me feeling even more isolated and blamed.

I am in therapy and working with a psychiatrist to heal from my past and understand my reactions better. I know that raging is not okay. I'm not trying to excuse it—but I am trying to understand where it’s coming from and how to respond differently. Has anyone else experienced something similar—feeling like unresolved trauma shows up in your current relationship in overwhelming ways?

I feel like I’m constantly walking a tightrope between shame, anger, and sadness. I desperately want to heal—for myself, my children, and my marriage. But I often feel like I’m failing, and that the pain from my past makes me unworthy of being heard, understood, or even loved.

Thank you for reading this. It means more than I can say.

We stayed together though it was terrible in so many respects because the trauma from both sides of our family played out in our marriage. I had the obvious problems like suicidal depression and drugs. So I became the patient . She went through it all with me . I think having our 2 special needs kids who are in their thirties now probably anchored us in a way. But couples make their peace with each other somehow or they don’t make it . At least that’s what I’ve seen after being married 36 years. It’s never all rosy, I’ve never seen that in the church or out of it . It makes you look at yourself in ways nothing else can. Not easy, nothing easy about it .