Sufferer Struggling with court case against abuser, domestic violence and rape

[Noor]

Hey everyone,

My name is Noor, I am 22 years old.

I have decided to join this forum in order to learn how to talk and understand things better. I don't have a lot of support as I isolate myself and try to be invisible. I am currently receiving treatment (no meds, mainly talking). I have been diagnosed with PTSD this summer, during a legal battle against my abuser (which is still going on... 18dec is the day of the verdict).

It's very tough on me, as I have never wanted a lawsuit and I am not sure if it's actually doing a lot of good. My abuser and I have a history of 3 years in a relationship where a lot of things went wrong; trying to kill me (at beginning of the relationship), stalking, rape, emotional abuse, physical abuse. Sometimes it feels like it wasn't that much of a big deal. Like, why the f* do I have PTSD?

The lawsuit is about rape. My ex-boyfriend had smashed my window after it happened and he placed a piece of broken glass on his throat and pointed at me. Then he walked around my street, sat down across the water and stared at me. I then called my dad (our relationship was secret at the time so it took me a while!) because I was scared and he called the police.
This was in october 2016, the last time I saw him before we were in court (dec 4th).
I don't remember what happened in court fully, besides that I made a fool of myself (when I saw him I hyperventilated and got away as quickly as possible and during court I was shaking and crying). I know I couldn't help it, but I still feel really really stupid about it.

I moved to Italy last october to study fashion design. I'm now on a break because the legal battle is in my home country and my psychologist is based here. I haven't been well.
I'm staying with my family. I'm not really used to that. It's tough with them as I really don't think they understand what's up with me and they don't really know how to handle all this, so they get mad at me.

I want to be more open, but my mom tells everything to her friends. When I asked her to stop discussing everything with them because otherwise I don't feel comfortable talking to her, she said maybe I should think about how much this is affecting her. And that I am selfish. Because apparently I don't think about how much this affects my friends and family. Things like this. My boyfriend broke up with me last night. He is the sweetest guy, but I completely messed it up. I feel really alone and awful.

Anyway, sorry for the long post!
Hope your day is good.

X Noor

 

[Joan]

So sorry for what happened to you and what you are now enduring. Sounds like those you "expect" to support you are making matters worse. I can only imagine how scary to face your abuser in court. try not to beat yourself up for the reaction you had. (easier said than done) I am glad that you have reached out here and hope that you can find the support you want and need here. Best wishes and hope that court will resolve soon and you can return to studying fashion. Take sweet care of yourself.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Noor...so sorry that you and your boyfriend have broken up...I know you now are truly feeling so all alone and even more vulnerable. Perhaps you and your beau will re-connect after you've gone through the court system re: your previous boyfriend.

I had to face only one of my many sexual abusers in court...and I sat in the very back and he was found guilty...and this guy had exposed himself to me on campus...and was masturbating...and the campus police caught him.

He then called me from jail and threateningly said, "I know where you live! I know where you live!" And my then boyfriend bought me a gun and I kept it very close to me for a long, long time. He scared me half to death.

I wish you well on the 12/18 verdict outcome and I hope you let us know how the verdict goes.

So wonderful that you are studying Fashion Design in Italy! Wow!

Also...my father and mother NEVER were supportive because they were only a fraction of the total count of the many abusers in my life who'd harmed me (and also my sister).

Hang tough...you CAN do this...and try to always remember...this is what happened TO you. And yes...it was very abusive and harmful and being in court is difficult especially being in the same room with him!

If you don't already practice deep breathing techniques...you can find them...online...also try and bring some very soothing music with you to court and listen to it...when you are able to.

And try and take someone to court proceedings with you if possible...who IS supportive and nurturing towards you Love and Peace.

 

[Noor]

So sorry for what happened to you and what you are now enduring. Sounds like those you "expect" to suppor...

Merci for your reply. I'm working on it with my psychologist tomorrow, he said last time he will ask my lawyer about all the details etc. I just feel like I messed it up and I am pretty angry about how it all went down. I should have stood up for myself you know? Instead, I couldn't talk! And the judge said, why can't you speak up with all this "me too" stuff going on? I didn't really like that comment.. Fashion is what keeps me grounded! Thanks X

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Geez! What a dipstick...this judge...saying what he did about you...in regards to all of the creepy crawlers (men) coming now to forefront of their sexual abuse against women! Grrr!

Wishing you well! and...you're welcome.

 

[Noor]

@Noor...so sorry that you and your boyfriend have broken up...I know you now are...

Yes.. He also said something about re-connecting, but I'm not sure about that.. He's hurt too often and I don't know when I will be better. It's hard for him to separate my weird behaviour from how I would normally act, so he blames things on himself.

Damn, I also still feel very threatened. My abuser was grinning at me in a creepy way when walking behind me (my mom told me and I know this fat ugly grin of his), and in court he said "I love this beautiful woman". And that getting sh* up your ass is no big deal. He was minimising everything. I hope he will have to go to prison but that doesn't happen very often with 'first timers'... We'll see.

I'm sorry about that, it's not easy... It sucks to not feel safe in your own home.

I'll look up the breathing techniques, thanks. Music helps me a lot as well! When I went to court on the 4th I drove alone and was singing as loud as I could, haha.

Thanks a lot X

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I so understand why you feel threatened...sounds to me like this guy is MORE than a few screws short of a hardware store...or...the light's are on...but...nobody's home @Noor. That he was grinning creepily at you while walking behind you...and also not taking these court proceedings seriously...and like you said minimalizing this lawsuit...and also saying, "I love this beautiful woman!" Scary...oh so scary to hear this about him. For me he sounds sociopathic...even perhaps psychopathic...and I too hope he gets prison time.

Hope you'll let me know. Singing along with you. Love and Peace.

 

[Freida]

ok - judge is a total asshat. Just saying. And of course you are afraid! The man is a monster and now you are having to face him --- in court! I think you are being amazingly brave - especially with the lack of support from your family.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the community!

I want to be more open, but my mom tells everything to her friends. When I asked her to stop discussing everything with them because otherwise I don't feel comfortable talking to her, she said maybe I should think about how much this is affecting her. And that I am selfish. Because apparently I don't think about how much this affects my friends and family. Things like this.

My mom is very similar. She's a wonderful person, but she tells everything to her friends. That's her choice. My choice? Is -unfortunately- to not tell my mom anything that I don't also want all of her friends knowing. Since she cannot keep my confidence? I do not give it to her.