Sexual Assault Struggling with intrusive sexual thoughts surrounding people who remind me of a groomer.

[clement_nettles]

God, this is going to sound stupid. I'm so sorry. This probably doesn't even fall under the tag. I'm really sorry. (Also, I am outwardly fem, but don't care about what pronouns you use. I used to be sure that I was FTM, but some life events absolutely muddled my understanding of my gender, so yeah, anything flies.)

Long story short, the interesting combination of a 26-year-old guy grooming me online for a few months when I was 15/16, suicidal, and had nobody else in my life, and my mother touching me on my ass in ways that make me deeply uncomfortable pretty regularly for YEARS, along with forcing me to take a photo when I was 8 and covered in full-body blisters against my will that may legally count as CP where I live, sometimes results in my brain becoming a dumb f*ck. It panics around people who remind me too much of either of them and gives me tons of intrusive sexual thoughts about being hurt and assaulted. I used to bite myself to stop myself from having those distressing thoughts about some high school teachers, especially the ones who were parents.

I'm now in uni, and, turns out, people either being the same age as the guy was when shit happened, or the same age as he would be currently, makes my brain have those intrusive sexual thoughts. I feel like I'm a walking time bomb for all of their future careers. I know logically that the people are fine, but I have those thoughts constantly about a few people who used to be my TAs. There have been a couple who (unfortunately for my brain) have matched the general brain stupidity set-off age range, but before my brain pulled the switch, I talked to a lot due to my interest in their fields. Due to that legitimate interest in their fields that would result in opportunities, or they would show me data from their research, but then my brain would pull the switch and start having constant fear oscillating between "oh god what if they're doing the same thing again like THAT guy" and "you know they aren't, but what if you say something out loud that nukes their future careers?". I then don't feel comfortable being in a room with them anymore when I need to be, not due to them, but due to my brain being absolutely idiotic. I have intrusive sexual thoughts about them and have for months now. I want to reach out to a couple purely to ask them more about their fields (I've been meaning to for months), but I'm scared I'm gonna f*ck things up. I've been getting calmer about one of them, but still act a bit weird/cold and am trying not to, but the first one that happened with my brain has not let go. I feel evil. I don't know how to do this.

How the hell do you handle this??

 

[Movingforward10]

Stopping intrusive thoughts and managing triggers takes practice and a lot of effort. But with time it really helps to improve your quality of life.

Thought stopping helps.
When the thoughts come up saying, either out loud or in your head, "nope, I'm not going to think that just now I am going to do X" can help. With practice. It won't work over night. But building awareness that actually you are in control or your thoughts, you can choose what to think, and then putting that in to action (much easier to do when less triggered than when very triggered).

Also, looking at your distorted thinking. For example, your thinking that you will "nuke" someone's career. Maybe exploring where that comes from , because it's not true? You don't have the power to manage someone's career. You don't have the power to make someone behave in a certain way. Exploring what makes you think that (and I think this is a common type of thought for those of us with childhood trauma as there is this distorted sense of us being dangerous, which is misplaced).

 

[Friday]

Just knowing that… that happens, totally normal for it to… is what helped me out the MOST when all this shit first started. Yeah. Nod. That happens. Okay.

Later? This >>> Working with triggers <<< INCLUDING the difference between triggers & stressors, that is linked in the article. Phenom useful, those 2 articles, for dealing with Triggers & Stressors.

Cognitive distortions sort of naturally follows >>> Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts <<< but in dealing with all the fallout &/or (hopefully AND) having a strong foundation in the whole >>> Stress Cup <<< thing.

It’s a LOT of reading. Don’t overwhelm, but come at it slowly.

 

[arfie]

hello clement. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i don't believe i care to rate the intelligence of my ptsd symptoms, but this is a common symptom in my own recovery circles. i have it in spades. in addition to the attraction to dysfunctional relationships, i suffer transference where i glorify and worship the people who try to help me escape the cesspools of my birthright. i figure it is nature's way of leading me to the specific spots in my wounded psyche which are in need of healing. i look for ways to heal those wounds. the search is far easier said than done. works in progress. . .

but that is me and every case is unique. steadying support while you sort your own case.

welcome aboard.