Struggling With My Husband Not Understanding.

[joeylittle]

Whilst I don't hate him I love him he does not make me feel safe. I said this to him and how he humiliates me. He says I need to communicate and make an effort. I feel so empty. I don't know what to do.

Counseling, counseling, counseling. Personally, you make perfect sense to me, and he makes no sense - but I can see how he would think he is making sense and you are making no sense. So when two people are that far away in communication and understanding, they need a neutral third party to mediate the conversation. Taking him to your counselor doesn't necessarily equal a third totally neutral party, but generally they can be decent at separating out issues and helping both members of the marriage understand how to navigate the mental illness.

Please - you are making an effort by suggesting that the two of you talk with your therapist. It might not fix things, but it will get you and he out of this loop you are stuck in.

 

[ZebraWestie]

You are suffering from an ILLNESS, your husband is making fun of you which is making your illness worse.
Time apart from each other while you work out a way to communicate effectively is a good step and to learn how the future of your relationship at this point will be steered by life changes that may be scary or unimaginable now, yet could make all the difference in 10 or 20 years when your children are grown.
If you were suffering from a different type of ILLNESS e.g. Cancer or IBS would he still be as negative towards you?

 

[Leah Morgan]

Hes so frustrated with me. He is having a hard time at work something he has only just shared. I got very drunk on Wednesday and my two best friends looked after me and my children. I confessed this to him today and he hates my friends. Am I being unfair is all this my creating due to dissociation? He got so livid I talk to my friend when he users me to sobbing. But the tell me everything will be okay. They sit with me whilst I nap and wake me when I start to scream or my enuresis alarm goes off and help me reach the bathroom. I feel so much safer with them. Am I putting the wedge between us. I don't know what I want any more? Time away has not helped he got into my messenger and read all my messages he says he cannot trust me. He thinks I need sectioning to get away from my friends and him and kids. I think he's wrong. I'm hoping going back to work may help. He has stopped making fun of it. And says he only did it because he doesn't know how to act and I need to tell him.

 

[Leah Morgan]

Okay so things have gone from bad to worse, he agrreed about having couple counselling but has done nothing about it. He is still flitting from lovely to horrid so quickly I can't keep up. He suggested we separate and after all the negativity I agreed. He didn't expect that it's like he was calling my bluff well I guess I called it. So as it stand in moving out next week. I'm going to miss my gourgeous babies so much but no they belong in the family home

 

[Recovery4Me]

I have stayed away from this thread for a bit because I was/am in the midst of major conflict within my own, now ending of an 7 yr. abusive relationship. The major catalyst for change was my growth of self esteem, solid support by this board and becoming grounded in self regulation tools for my PTSD through the education of this site &/or the direction of where to look further.

This new self respect led to my expectation of him keeping his renewed promise on marriage therapy when he acted out again. He chose not to keep that promise nor stop his choice of cruel flip-flopping behaviour. That happens sometimes...some people do not want to face their own demons. However, that does not mean I must live with him and his entourage of cognitive distortions & confusion. At that point his pain is his choice as professionals are available.

I suppose my main offer to you is this...your word repetition of not feeling "safe" around him is a red flag for you to listen to & not minimize. As well a therapist will at least assist you, as you sort out the gaslighting or manipulative tactics that are being loped by him to undermine your own grounding. Then and if he decides to go to to therapy, there will already be someone in place to sort out and reconstruct a possible resolution. However in the meantime a good therapist will bolster you from giving in or crumbling on your own valid need sets.

This is a tricky time, the separation, where my/the abuser generally is the sweetest offering a 'honeymoon' cycle of false promises and charm. It is the veneer, the Hollywood Romance Cycle being spun to dazzle and web up my own beliefs. If I question a little deeply, he quickly rages and normally, I was so broken heartened, I just wanted the pain to end in the comfort of his arms or re-promises of hope.

But today, I can share with you this - the pain never ended as the cycle bounces back to abuse so very quickly. BUT this time I finally understood that without therapy...without his willingness to work on us & positive change within therapy ...it was up to "me" to break the cycle.
I deserve more than abuse. It isn't love if it hurts.

Take what you need and leave the rest.:hug:
.

 

[Porschepilot]

Well I would appreciate any advice on how to help my husband accept me. I have PTSD with delayed ons...

i had a full blown panic attack in December... I have been trying to deal with my PTSD secretly but my wife kept pushing and pushing and I just fell apart. I was crying and trying to get away from her I actually kept saying "I'm ok" I'm ok I just need s second.

4 weeks ago she packed up and left me and took almost everything.... I have been in a downward spiral ever since. We have been married for 18 months. I talked to her today, and told her that I was sorry I had PTSD...and that I did not ask to have the things that happened to me when I was a kid. I asked her that if I had cancer would she bail on me?

Today I found out that she is using my plea's for her to just take a short break and not divorce and understand that I do have PTSD and I'm trying my best to deal with it. But I needed my wife by my side and help me with my condition. She said she never would have married me is she knew I was so broken. What she doesn't realize is that someone abandoning me is one of my triggers. If she continues with the divorce, I'm just going to kill myself....

Your husband is a heartless jerk...they have no idea how terrible it is to be carrying this burden every day. I hope you end up with someone who has a hear that knows some pain and fear and treats yours with care and love.....