EverOnly358
Platinum Member
My marriage is a mess. I've been "on a break" from my husband for almost two weeks. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. He never wants me to talk about my traumas; he says he doesn't like to see me upset. We've been together for 16 years, and I've never felt like he cares about how awful my childhood was. I try to bring it up, he changes the subject. He's always blaming me for being so easily upset and for being inconsolable. I know I'm impossible to live with, and I apologize a lot. I try to do things to make up for it, to make my family happy, but it's hard when I cycle between being energetic and racing from one thing to the next to being depressed and isolated in my bedroom (I have bipolar disorder as well). He tells me he loves me so much, but I don't feel that love at all. At this point, I would happily get a divorce from him, but I don't feel like I'm a fully functioning human being, seeing as I spend half of each month in a dark room with the door locked because I'm so depressed and just can't stand being triggered again. I just want him to be nice to me once, or sympathetic or even just sit with me without telling me how he has all these more important things he has to do rather than be with me. He's always telling me that he is nice... he does dishes or laundry or takes the kids here or there. And those things are nice, and I do appreciate them, and I am sorry there are so many days when I just can't get out of bed and he has to pitch in. I feel terrible and lazy and worthless and unlovable. But because he does dishes or whatever, does that mean he can't ever sit with me, let me talk or try to cheer me up? I desperately need an emotional connection with him, and he's like a robot. When I beg him to show some emotion, anything, he says he can yell and scream, too, but he doesn't, because he knows that it scares me. Is that all that's possible? Screaming at me or showing no emotion or caring at all?
And he's constantly triggering me. He knows that I can't stand having men standing over me. Whenever he comes in a room, he stands over me. It's so stupid, because there are a million places to sit down in every room of the house. But he has to stand there and stare directly at me (another trigger) and I just can't cope with it. I'm trying to get better about my triggers, but it's almost impossible when I'm being triggered again and again and again. Is it so much to ask that he not loom over me because it scares me? Am I really asking too much? Is that such a hard thing to remember? Because every time he does it again, I tell him how much it hurts me, and he acts all surprised, and then promises to do better, then the very next time, there he is, doing it again. When he just stares at me, and I tell him how much it bothers me, he says he's just acting interested in what I'm saying.
And finally, I've gone to doctors on and off for the last 14 years. I've never found a good fit with a therapist. I've had so many really, really horrible reactions to medication. I'm terrified of doctors. After years of avoiding dentists, too, I had one dentist that gave me lots and lots of valium, but that didn't work. I finally had to get a dentist that was willing to knock me out with anesthesia. I went in to that dentist, and they gave me laughing gas, I guess (the whole visit is a weird blur for me because I was so terrified) for like 30 minutes, while trying to get the needle in my arm. Apparently, I was so stressed out and tense, it wouldn't work. The anesthesiologist was trying to joke around with me to calm me down, and said something like "you look way too young to have an adult daughter" and I sort of laughed and relaxed just enough they could knock me out. When I woke up, before I was even fully awake, I pushed everyone out of my way and staggered to the door and left. Anyways... that's just one of my experiences with doctors/dentists. After that dentist appointment I spent 6 weeks unable to get out of bed.
I explain all this because my husband really, really doesn't want me to get another therapist or take more medication. It really has just been a string of disasters every time I've tried. I try to do every single thing I can do to help myself (meditation, yoga, journaling, exercise, recognizing my triggers and trying to change my reactions, etc. etc.) but I really feel like I'm not doing everything unless I have a therapist. So, I tell my husband, and he says he will setup appointments for me... but then it never happens. I know I should try to setup more appointments myself, but it's just so stressful for me, that I end up crashing and unable to do anything at all. I've become so isolated, there's no one except my husband to help me, and he's very passive aggressive about it. Oh, he says he'll help and he says he'll call therapists and make appointments with doctors and everything, and stupidly I believe him every time, but then months go by and nothing happens. So, I ask for the insurance information and doctor phone numbers and then he says he's going to give it to me, oh, but he needs to get a new insurance card, or he lost the phone numbers or whatever. It's like this with other things, too. Everyday is a fight for me, just to get up and struggle through the day (whether I'm trying to slow myself down, or force myself to move forward even though I just want to stay in bed), and I just want some help, and I'm so tried of fighting with him about it, I'm so sick of begging for his help. And don't get me wrong, I am terrified about going to another therapist, but I do want to get better, so I feel like it's necessary. But I'm just so mired in all his BS, that I never get any support or help from him, and so actually getting to a therapist is erratic at best.
Anyways... this is much too long. I just don't know what to do. As much as I want to be divorced, I just don't see how that's going to work. But at the same time, I just can't keep repeating this destructive nightmare I'm living in.
And he's constantly triggering me. He knows that I can't stand having men standing over me. Whenever he comes in a room, he stands over me. It's so stupid, because there are a million places to sit down in every room of the house. But he has to stand there and stare directly at me (another trigger) and I just can't cope with it. I'm trying to get better about my triggers, but it's almost impossible when I'm being triggered again and again and again. Is it so much to ask that he not loom over me because it scares me? Am I really asking too much? Is that such a hard thing to remember? Because every time he does it again, I tell him how much it hurts me, and he acts all surprised, and then promises to do better, then the very next time, there he is, doing it again. When he just stares at me, and I tell him how much it bothers me, he says he's just acting interested in what I'm saying.
And finally, I've gone to doctors on and off for the last 14 years. I've never found a good fit with a therapist. I've had so many really, really horrible reactions to medication. I'm terrified of doctors. After years of avoiding dentists, too, I had one dentist that gave me lots and lots of valium, but that didn't work. I finally had to get a dentist that was willing to knock me out with anesthesia. I went in to that dentist, and they gave me laughing gas, I guess (the whole visit is a weird blur for me because I was so terrified) for like 30 minutes, while trying to get the needle in my arm. Apparently, I was so stressed out and tense, it wouldn't work. The anesthesiologist was trying to joke around with me to calm me down, and said something like "you look way too young to have an adult daughter" and I sort of laughed and relaxed just enough they could knock me out. When I woke up, before I was even fully awake, I pushed everyone out of my way and staggered to the door and left. Anyways... that's just one of my experiences with doctors/dentists. After that dentist appointment I spent 6 weeks unable to get out of bed.
I explain all this because my husband really, really doesn't want me to get another therapist or take more medication. It really has just been a string of disasters every time I've tried. I try to do every single thing I can do to help myself (meditation, yoga, journaling, exercise, recognizing my triggers and trying to change my reactions, etc. etc.) but I really feel like I'm not doing everything unless I have a therapist. So, I tell my husband, and he says he will setup appointments for me... but then it never happens. I know I should try to setup more appointments myself, but it's just so stressful for me, that I end up crashing and unable to do anything at all. I've become so isolated, there's no one except my husband to help me, and he's very passive aggressive about it. Oh, he says he'll help and he says he'll call therapists and make appointments with doctors and everything, and stupidly I believe him every time, but then months go by and nothing happens. So, I ask for the insurance information and doctor phone numbers and then he says he's going to give it to me, oh, but he needs to get a new insurance card, or he lost the phone numbers or whatever. It's like this with other things, too. Everyday is a fight for me, just to get up and struggle through the day (whether I'm trying to slow myself down, or force myself to move forward even though I just want to stay in bed), and I just want some help, and I'm so tried of fighting with him about it, I'm so sick of begging for his help. And don't get me wrong, I am terrified about going to another therapist, but I do want to get better, so I feel like it's necessary. But I'm just so mired in all his BS, that I never get any support or help from him, and so actually getting to a therapist is erratic at best.
Anyways... this is much too long. I just don't know what to do. As much as I want to be divorced, I just don't see how that's going to work. But at the same time, I just can't keep repeating this destructive nightmare I'm living in.
