Relationship Struggling with partner going through this tough time

[alanwp]

@Hojay we've spoken a little more via messages today, being more normal for a change. I mention about boundaries, and we both said we need to enforce some whilst we are seeming better towards each other.

Then later she's on about other houses again, looking at better bigger ones with more space as rooms to allow us both as friends, I tell her I can see her point of view in this aspect, we both get to live in a house with everything we desire, with the shared cost, and the separate living areas to do as we wish alone, and still give us support as and when.

But ive mentioned to her how I feel about it all, in that one aspect can see that being a good idea, and in the other.. being tied to each other as friends in that situation, with the possibility of being a mess at some point because of our past.. probably isn't wise.

She admits it's probably better we have our own places and says that is a shame, as she has lived with friends before.

I agree, and I've told her that I would love for us to be able to do it, for friendship, support and just generally when we get on, it is great.

Realistically I know it's not ideal.

She also says she wants me to get on and be happy, and thinks living together would probably hold me back, and she doesn't want that.

So let's just face it... I'm going to bite the bullet and try my own place. I have a feeling once circumstances allow she might be out of this house before me, which is fine enough by me, as I've I can get one sorted I'll be moving too.

Focus on the friendship, support her as required, support me as required, look after ourselves and just be happy with what we had, and just live our lives as if we're friends forever now, and not focus on the past, wether is was good or not.

Funny how what you already know, when you think about it logically, probably hurts just as bad haha

 

[alanwp]

This conversation carried on a little bit while I'm working nights...

She's saying she wants me to be happy and move on and fully expects me to. And due to this she feels in that circumstance we would have to have time away completely from each other to be able to get used to that change etc.
I've told her I understand why she's saying that, but I've also explained the last thing I'm wanting to do right now is look for another relationship, and explained I'm just going to put effort into myself, for once.

I can see she is worried that if we spend time together as friends even whilst living apart.. that if I got with somebody else this would mean her having to take a step back (and also get over the fact her ex is with someone else else)... Ive told her it works both ways. But anyway..

Whilst we were on the subject of it all I opened up to something quite in-depth feelings wise.. i felt it was best said.. I know she finds this stuff awkward but I felt it was the best timing... I got the expected awkward response but also an acknowledgement and a return in the same feelings to it Which was upsetting for me, but also made me happy. Just means I know we've left it all on a good point tbh.

That's got to be better than a fall out, or a major breakdown of the relationship etc.

On the back of this I've told her.. for now atleast we are living together, I care alot, will always have love for her and our current well-beings right now are the most important thing to be dealing with, and in time we will sort out our next moves forward for us both in our own ways.

I feel there is nothing more to really add to this.

I feel this was a turning point.

It's not ideal, but looking at the positives of it all, I don't regret any of it, I've enjoyed it, made some memories and most of all, I've still got a friend and I will be there to support her still.. she needs it, and so do i.
Even when we do eventually part ways in the housing thing and probably live 20 miles apart, I feel we will still make a fair amount of contact, I'd hope so anyway, especially since the girls are so close to me (I'm the closest anyone has got to them, and I'm proud of being allowed that, even if that does hurt abit right now..)

If she moves on in the future, that's just life, I want her happy afterall. I'm seeing this as... Right person, wrong time. We loved hard, and probably still will have those feelings deep down for a long time. But end of the day, I'd love to see her recover some what from this thing she is having to go through.

 

[LovingH]

"Right person, wrong time." Story of my life, sigh :(

 

[Mytime]

Sorry your hurting :hug:

 

[alanwp]

I make a start to plan this move, I had a few drinks Friday daytime, in the evening we both spent time together after she picked me up, had a chat about things in general, and both seems to be on the wavelength of.. we know we have to do this, but totally don't want this, neither of us!
Then we have a good weekend together doing things (I took the girls out for a gift I got them), spent time together trying to get our fitness and nutrition back on track.. we really are good together when we can function. Literally no unhappiness, disagreements etc. just a good few days!

I shall leave it a few days and see, before bringing up the subject of me moving I guess, as I can't allow this limbo to keep happening.

 

[alanwp]

I didn't mention before, but at the weekend after that evening conversation... she did tell me she loved me, and in the daytime she was wanting to hold my hand in public, nothing more. Since then I can tell she has wound back from that stance, maybe kicking in some kind of boundary again I am not sure..

So its coming to the end of this week.. woop. She has a friend over to visit for a few days, so we were all having a good laugh and chat last night together, and it comes into conversations about relationships etc etc, and my (ex) is was saying how she seems to be coping better alone now... (I will assume she was referring to a lack of relationship stressors, as she isn't alone as such, as I am still there with her..)

But anyway, I think she is trying to kick in these friendship boundaries, even if the weekend might have been a blip for her, and admitted how she does feel deep down.. not sure.

Strangely living together this past week has been going fine, and its a shame to want to move, especially when we are coping well as friends with regards to food, and fitness etc.. but my close friend has told me to just get on with moving on, and not read into any of this.. as nothing will ever change. - and as hard as that is, I think my friend is right..

 

[LovingH]

Here's the thing. The very fact that you're still posting about her suggests you haven't quite settled into the friend mode, emotionally.

You're still spending so much time thinking about HER. When you should be thinking about you and moving on.

You might need to move out, just to help you do that.

 

[alanwp]

Here's the thing. The very fact that you're still posting about her suggests you haven't quite settled into the friend mode, emotionally.

You're still spending so much time thinking about HER. When you should be thinking about you and moving on.

You might need to move out, just to help you do that.

I think I'm posting as an outlet to my mind.

Yes you could be correct, which when trying to drop into friend mode, I get pulled out slightly.. every time I think I suss it, she does something which I wouldn't say is a friend, but more than.

I am thinking of myself more so now, and less overthinking and stressing, alot less. So just hope it stays like that

Yes ideally I do need to move out.
I have looked into this, and if things go crazy bad I'll just move into a rented room and worry about pets cars and possessions some how, otherwise I'm in a slow process of trying to buy ?

 

[Butterfly64]

Working latest this week, which in my line of work, when it's quiet there's nothing to do so of course my mind does overthinking, yeah I'm trying to control this with various things but sometimes it's hard and overwhelming.

Now, I know I've previously mentioned I'm not allowing myself to put in hopes into my mind about us getting back together, as that's unhealthy to hope for, but I understand that she is going to say "don't wait for me" when she's wanting to be alone to deal with this and effectively push me away in a relationship point of view.

But I can't help thinking.. one day she might come back to me, she already knows and admits her feelings towards me are there's just unable to action them due to disconnecting and shutting down to concentrate on the basics of life.

Just curious if anybody else has any experience in this type of thing?

Of course I will restate, I'm not allowing myself to put this hope or expectation in my mind. I'm learning slowly about my mind and that's the last thing I want when I'm trying to be the better person on myself!

Maybe I'm just rambling on whilst I try calm my mind. Who knows.

Hope anyone who reads this is well.

I am new here...Living in DK. My story is similar to yours. Friends with my sufferer for four years before we got together (we both lived with our exes). Two years ago he told me he was in love with me. He is almost 12 years younger than me...which worries me. In his former job, he was attacked/struck down multiple times...his back was damaged so he has not worked for app. eight years...he is 43 years old.
Two years with him have been extremely hard! He avoids intimacy...like kissing and cuddling...claims he only kisses in a relationship and we are not in a relationship....we are just “playing around”. So in order not to get too emotionally involved, he only gives med a peck on the lips...and this took him almost two years. He has complex PTSD and backpains by the way.
Since finding this site a few days ago, I see his behaviour is so similar to what people post in here. Fear of intimacy, cannot say “I love you”.... it took him 14 months to admit that...and only because I wanted to stop “playing around”... the he admitted to having loved me for years...when we both lived with our exes. So he admitted via messenger, that he loved me...not face to face. And then he ran...and has done so for 11 months now...we used to hang out maybe 15-20 times a month...go for walks, watch movies...after he confessed to loving me, we would meet up like 8 times a month, then 5 times....and we lived two minutes He spends time with everybody than me...when I try talking to him about this, he will not admit that he is pushing me away to avoid coping with his love for me. I have said stop to “playing around” a number of times and he will pull me back in...promising me more intimacy...but it never happens. Three times now he has said (when feeling pressured by my expectations of intimacy and relationship) that he does not trust himself around other woman...that he is likely to mess around with some random woman at a party. This is by far the worst he can say to me...he knows that. He said that a week ago (has not said it for nine months) when he was in a bad place...he first told me, that he would never get better, that I deserve somebody better than him, that this strong passion we have is bad for both of us, that some times he wishes I would just say...we can only be friends...and then the final blow...I am likely to hook up with a woman I meet at a party. It hurra me when he “threatens” me with other women...even though he has never desired anybody in his entire life like he does me. I assume he is just pushing me away when I get too close for comfort...for two years now, he has tried to push me away.......by keeping our meetings short and to a minimum...talking about other women three times now...pushing me away and pulling me in. So why does he not break it off? He has tried to two times when he got pissed off because I wanted more time with him...not just sex! So he said....I am stopping this...I can’t see you no more...a week after we were back together. He cannot break it off....I assume he only talks about women to provoke me into quitting.
Untill I found this site, I did not fully comprehend why he is so opposed to relationship, why there is almost no intimacy, no “I love you”, why he runs away constantly.....a few weeks ago I wrote...let me make easy for you since you cannot write “I love you”... so do you love me, yes or no. He replied...no....and then he wrote...stop pushing and the answer will be obvious.
Now I understand why he is in complete denial...so to speak...about admitting to loving med. I know that his fear of intimacy and relationship, is valid...a part of me questioned that before...was he using me...nahhhh he is not like that...or is he...hmmmm must be his PTSD
So now we have not met for a week...I suggested we try to be just friends in June...and take it from there. He is not getting professional help...he does not have the energy, he is drained from buying a house and moving in January...and I now that the best thing for me would be to not see him again...which is hard. The past two years have torn my heart to bits...disrupted my life completely. Seing him and knowing he would pull away for maybe 7- 19 days...thinking...why can he be social around his male and mostly female friends for like 10 hours at a time...and see me for 30 minutes to max 3 hours 5 times a month? Tore me apart! I know he wasn’t fooling around with his female friends even though they are crazy about him...I know his desire for me is bigger that what he has ever felt for any woman...but the doubt is there!
I have to realize that he is in a bad state...that it is over. I cannot be with him if de does not seek professional help.....and even then we most stay away from each other be because this is unhealthy for us both. He is torn with guilt being with me and not being able to give me intimacy....I have told him...never mind an official relationship....never mind it is our secret, all I need is intimacy...but in his world intimacy equals relationship..and he will not enter a relationship untill he is able to “deliver”. So we are both in Limbo...bad for both of us. But the thought of not seeing him again is horrible...we were neighbours/friends for four years before we got together! What to do....stop seing him completely, be his friend although the love and desire is big for both of us....the worst part about being friends is that I fear he will quickly find some woman online...just to have sex...he is a guy after all and very attractive...very masculine...he will find someone to fulfill his sexual needs....and more importantly to stop thinking about his desire for me.
Sorry...too much information...just trying to show you, that you are not the only one going trough this...it is hard!