Struggling with self hatred as usual but with a difference.

[Mayday]

maybe some way of dealing with this very vengeful part of me

I'm thinking out loud here...I'm wondering if I am relating to my parts in a similar way to how I relate to other people. What I mean is that I have a tendency to sacrifice my own feelings, wants or needs because of the belief I internalized as a child, that I don't matter, but other people do. Recognizing that I actually do matter, and my feelings are legitimate, has allowed me to slowly set boundaries with other people.

Maybe I can use the same approach with my parts. Maybe I have been sacrificing and putting aside what I want, and how I feel (which is that I want my life to get better) because of worrying about what my parts want or need, or worrying about upsetting them. Maybe I can look at putting some boundaries in place. Acknowledging that what I want is important and balancing that, negotiating with my parts so that they also feel heard.

Perhaps that's why the parts came into being in the first place. Because as a child, I never mattered, so in order for those parts of me to survive, they had to become separate to me. I don't think I have explained that quite how I mean. I need to think more on that.

I suddenly feel the need to sit round at the table with my parts and start off some negotiations!

 

[ms spock]

I need to try to separate what is just me being avoidant and what I think is genuinely not useful to me.

I will be most interested in seeing how you tease this out.

 

[Hope4Now]

YES!

f you do decide to do parts work, remember that all parts are welcome. I would ask the part that is killing off another part what it is hoping will happen if the other part goes away, then validate the part's feelings (much like you do to us on this forum). There is no need to rush the part. Ask the part if it wants to unburden, and if so what it needs from you to help it unburden from the incredibly difficult task of killing off the other part. But if it isn't ready to unburden, don't rush it. There's probably more information the part wants to let you know. Be curious, accepting and compassionate. Parts are more open to talking if you are nice to them. There is probably a lot that this part wants to share with you.

This is the type of therapy I am doing. It is called Internal Family Systems Therapy. It is a very very smart approach. When our "parts" blend too much with our deep selves, that is when we have problems. There is a good website that explains this approach and how we protect ourselves from things we're not yet ready to deal with. It is called The Center for Self-Leadership (look at the About IFS page). I can't post the site because of the filters but you can google it.

 

[Hope4Now]

I think it is almost like a self harm wish sometimes. :-/ The incongruence of positive regard from others when there is only toxicity inside.

Wow do I hear you on this one. It is probably the most painful part of this cptsd stuff.

 

[Britt.f7]

I use to feel that I had separate parts, but I'm not sure I feel that way anymore. I feel like I am just one big blob most of the time. Or non existent. I think if you can find the answer to each of your individual parts, you may end up in better shape then what my mind is currently in. I guess that is because I do not even know who I am anymore. I think that is for another time, but I said it. Good to get it out.

I wish you well in your endeavor. You deserve healing.

 

[Hope4Now]

I feel like I am just one big blob most of the time.

That is how I felt before I started therapy. I'm just starting to untangle a little after 4 months. It is unbelievable helpful to start to feel that parts of myself that I hate are not all there is to me. And separating the parts isn't really like fragmenting or un-integrating. It's more like understanding how parts of us protect ourselves (sometimes in not-so-helpful ways) and parts of us are self-destructive and parts of us have been exiled and are trying to escape into our consciousness but we're afraid of them and we're working hard to keep them exiled.

 

[Seasounds]

@ Abstract, in getting back to you rather after the fact. Just wanted to clarify that I meant having an 'open-ended process'; it is the only kind that works for me. .

In reading about Archetypes, in above exchanges, it has been refreshing to think of that paradigm-such an open-ended, whole process, Archetypes bypass diagnosis, and help me identify with health.

Thanks for this thread.

 

[Hashi]

My other concern with archetypes in a therapy environment is whether a t who is drawn to the concept may be too spiritual for me. Maby if they are multi disciplinary then it will cushion that.

I think there are two aspects to "spiritual". One is in terms of a belief system, and any good therapist should work with yours and not try to push any other onto you. I saw a transpersonal therapist (multi-disciplinary therapy including metaphysical/spiritual concepts) but it was entirely around my concepts and if I'd had no interest in spirituality I could have seen the same therapist and left that aspect out.

The other aspect about spiritual is to do with working more intuitively and in what some people might call a touchy-feely way. I'm wondering if that's what you mean, and again I sense a kind of internal conflict around that - that in one way you need a therapy situation where there's a lot of sensitivity and safety, and at the same time that might feel too close or threatening for whatever reasons.

Or do you think there could be some use in picking out just a few and working with what I can? Do you see that as possibly helping me get back into therapy and managing my resources better in the now?

Personally I feel that what would help you most, with anything, is to work on dual awareness. A typical example of dual awareness would be during a therapy session the client thinking about their trauma at the same time as focussing on the here and now. That doesn't mean getting distressed/dissociated and then grounding. It means allowing two things to be present at the same time all the time - therefore being able stay safe and grounded while processing things.

I don't mean, though, to initially work on it for a therapy context. Simply as a way to make being in your own head bearable. Some things are meant to co-exist. Allowing those things to co-exist is as important as integrating what needs to be integrated. It allows you to turn your focus more to one than the other, while still allowing the other to be there. It allows you to hold two opposing views at the same time. For example, trauma work is unbearable/trauma work is bearable. - for me, both are always true. If only one was, I wouldn't be able to do any meaningful trauma work.

To do this, I think you need to think about consciousness and I don't know if you would class that as too spiritual. As I've mentioned before I don't identify with "spiritual" and much prefer to say metaphysical. I can't see a way to do this without accepting some metaphysical work, but then that's me.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

((((((((((@Abstract))))))))))

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

How are you feeling??

 

[Abstract]

Thank you everyone. Have both been having big realisations and my brain is struggling to shift and compute and I have been feeling like I am drifting off and away and am attempting to keep myself here, connected to the site. The sense of needing to leave it all behind is strong.

Thank you for all the very insightful comments and support as they are much valued. Struggling to concentrate but shall come back and answer properly,

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I just wanted to put an emphasis on the word, "realize"...real...ize, make it real in the moment. This is good news. You are advocating for yourself. This is great news.

((((@Abstract))))