Sexual Assault Stupidly Exposing Myself To Triggers

[Ryn]

I got home last week on break after a very stressful two weeks of exams. I'd barely been there for a few hours before I decided it'd be a great idea to go secretly looking for photos of the man I suspected abused me (I had zero memory of him whatsoever, which is pretty indicative on its own). I'm so stupid. I don't know why I have to be so obsessive. I guess I'd just been wavering towards denial and figured I'd find pictures, have no reaction, and maybe I could forget about all of this. Sigh.

I found a few pictures and my reaction confirmed my suspicions. I freaked out, couldn't stop shaking the rest of the night, and had the most intense and horrible physical nausea and pain. Started to remember other visuals of him and immediately pushed everything away and wouldn't let myself think about it.

I managed to get through the next few days, but the day before we left for relatives' house for Christmas I ended up doing something which I'd felt I had to do for weeks - which is return to the house I lived in during that time, and where he lived next door. Even though he had moved out of state and I'm fairly certain he is dead, I was still terrified out of my mind to go, but I felt like I had to. I guess I sort of dared myself to (the risk-taking, self-harming side of my BPD, maybe).

I did bring my dog with me (a greater support than my family and my therapist combined, haha). The houses have been landscaped and partly rebuilt and look totally different from when I lived there, but apparently that didn't matter. I caught a glimpse of his house, and the shady side-yard between our houses - panicked and was a MESS, and came this close to wetting myself which is something I've never experienced before. I'm glad no one was on the street because I don't even want to know what I must have looked like. I remembered a few brief images, then majorly dissociated and found myself later driving home drenched in sweat and whimpering (I should NOT have been driving!). My poor dog (who is usually quite aloof) in the backseat distressed and staring at me. I don't even know how I got through the rest of that night.

The next morning I woke up broken out in hives and very physically sick. Mentally I was just - numb. Since then that's basically how it's been - total "spaceyness" punctuated by some awful flashbacks. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I'm overwhelmed with guilt for a whole heap of issues that emerged over Christmas. It's been a see-saw of wanting more memories and then shoving them away.

Long story short, if I could describe how I feel any way, it's as if it *just* happened and I'm *just* now reacting to it.

Does that even make sense, for something that happened when I was so young? That I'd just now be really feeling like this? Are there any of you who have recovered memories from childhood, and did you feel this overwhelmed when you first remembered? Is it "normal" to have this sort of reaction to being in the location where you were abused, or seeing pictures?

I'm just filled with so much self-doubt because of the lack of really convincingly solid memories... And honestly, who WANTS to believe something like this could have happened to them.

 

[Venusian]

Ryn, it took over 40 years before I started to remember what happened to me. I was so young at the time that I didn't understand what was happening. For most of my life I could only remember to a certain point and then it was like a wall. When the memories started coming back it was a comment on another forum that brought the first memory back. After that it was every few days something else would come back. I have had symptoms of PTSD my entire life but I didn't think anything had happened to me that would cause it. After the memories started returning the PTSD kicked in big time. I would have panic attacks, I started having body memories and flashbacks. The flashbacks brought new memories and a lot more anxiety. It felt like it just happened, that 40 years had not gone by. It is something that is not uncommon especially when the trauma happened when you are too young to understand.

It is almost 3 years since I began recovering the memory and I am still learning how to live with the knowledge. I no longer live anywhere near the area and we moved shortly afterward because the entire neighbourhood was torn down and rebuilt into apartments. I have gone into google maps and did the streetview tour of what I could remember. I found the corner where I first realized I was in trouble. It isn't the same as actually being there but it did trigger some flashbacks. I have always had recurring nightmares and they came back with a vengeance.

You said, "I'm just filled with so much self-doubt because of the lack of really convincingly solid memories... And honestly, who WANTS to believe something like this could have happened to them." I could have written this myself. My memories came back as flashes, a lot like postcard pictures that eventually began to form a sequence. It was so hard to believe that I experienced all of that and blocked it out so completely. Looking back on my life there were a lot of things I did and felt that made no sense at the time but now make complete sense now that I know. But, honestly, I sometimes wish that I could block it all out again. Sometimes it happens, a memory comes back and I have written about it in my journal but it slips away and when I go back and read it months later I realize it was gone again. It is a coping mechanism when things get overwhelming.

I wanted you to know that what you are going through now, all this time later, is normal. You are not alone.

 

[rightkindofme]

I don't think that was stupid. I think that was part of your process. Sometimes, when you have experienced severe trauma very young, this re-torturing is about making your mind and body get on the same page. It hurts and I'm really sorry. I get it though.

Do you have a therapist?

 

[Lucycat]

It is a really tough decision to expose yourself to triggers. My instinct is not to do it. However Exposure Therapy is exactly about that - exposure in a controlled way.It is hard to do your own therapy without the support mechanism behind it, but I would be inclined to think in the long term it would be helpful.

Personally I cannot look at photos of my abuser. I hate to see anybody who reminds me of him, which is tough when he is my father and I have 2 brothers who both show a physical resemblance. I have not been back to the house where it all happened.

What I have done, is revisit it all 'in my head' and processed the memories through EMDR. I think I have done fairly well, but would not know unless I faced the ultimate challenge and went back. Fortunately it is hundreds of miles away so not likely to happen.

Long story short, if I could describe how I feel any way, it's as if it *just* happened and I'm *just* now reacting to it.

Makes perfect sense. The question is - what are you going to do about it?

 

[Ryn]

Thanks all for your replies. It's comforting to know I'm not alone (and not crazy!).

@Venusian, I really appreciate hearing your story. Would you mind my asking how old you were? Because I was very young (2-5 yrs) I'm just not sure how solid my memories will ever be, and am wondering what others' experiences have been.

@rightkindofme, yes I do, though I won't be able to see her for a few more weeks as she is located near my college and not my home.

@Brucielucy, I suspect once I get back to school and can keep myself busy things might go better... In the meantime I'm just struggling to get through the day.

I really appreciate all your words and support. They are more helpful than you know! :)

 

[Venusian]

@Ryn, I don't mind telling you, I was 5. It was a single incident that did not involve my family. It is my earliest memory, how it all started. There are impressions I remember from earlier that directly relate to it but they are just impressions. I was kidnapped but I thought I knew him, I have no direct memory but I know he made me laugh. I know he said he was visiting a friend or family, I don't remember him saying that but I remember knowing that about him. I can't remember his name. Writing this now it just dawned on me that he probably never did tell me, he was just there in the neighbourhood and spoke to me a few times and made me feel like he was no longer a "stranger" that I was warned about.

I believe early memories are a lot like impressions that shape how we react and interact with the world. We become familiar to sights, sounds, textures and smells and the reactions they trigger can stay with us our entire life. Exposure therapy works because if we expose ourselves to things that we have a negative reaction to, in a safe environment we can change our reaction, they no longer have such a threatening feel and we can break the cycle. It takes time and it takes a safe place. You may never have an actual memory that is the same as a memory formed when you are older but you may remember what you were feeling or what you "knew" at the time, if that makes sense.

When I first began to remember I was having panic attacks when I was exposed to triggers and some of those triggers were things I had used daily for years. Other things that triggered reactions before but once I remembered they no longer did. There are some things that will always trigger something, maybe not all the time but they still do. I have learned a lot of grounding techniques to help me through them when they do happen and if you are going to keep trying to expose yourself to things that trigger you it would be good to learn as many as you can. There are a lot of threads on the sister site to this, My PTSD that list many of the techniques. I would strongly advise to learn as many as you can and practice them before you need them. A single technique does not work for everyone and if you find one that helps it may not help every time. That is why it is important to learn several and practice them so that when you need them you can do it without thinking about it to much.

 

[Ryn]

Wow, thank you so much for your input. I agree that it would be wise for me to figure things out ahead of time next time... I think I've learned my lesson the hard way.

I actually do have an account on myPTSD mostly to read the helpful threads! Thanks for that tip.

The past day has been a bit better and I'm really glad for the support of this side so I could rant and get it out. Even though it's been a year since my initial depression began, I am so new to all of this and it's comforting to know I'm not going crazy, haha.

 

[bluebird]

Hi, Ryn, I can´t look at pictures of my abuser (my granduncle), which means I can´t even look at our family photos. Any photos. He may be here. I can´t stand the idea of seeing his face. I can´t stand his name - but it is quite common name in my language, some of my friends have the same name, but it still makes me sick to hear someone mentioning the name, no matter who is the person they are talking about.
The house where it happened is the house my grandmother lives in, and so does he. I can´t visit this house, because he is still in there. But I seriously doubt I would be able to visit the house anyway. Or even see it from distance. Or stand in a nearby street. Although I do have some really nice memories of my grandparents or me playing outside with my darling little brother... I can´t see the house because of a few horrible memories that somehow managed to poison the rest of them. The last time I visited the house was this sumer and I though I will cry my eyes out, I was all alone in there watering some flowers... I should have let them die instead, it wasn´t worth the pain. I hated these flowers in that moment. Poor flowers. Poor me.
I can´t look at peanuts, because the man who hurt me used to crack them whenever he visited us. I hate peanuts. I hate the shape, the smell and taste, the touch of their shell. I hate peanuts, although it has nothing to do with peanuts at all, I eat anything except for them now. It is all because of him. When I visited a friend of mine, I asked him to put roasted peanuts away. Yesterday I found one single nut someone left in the bedroom and I threw it away from the window and yet I felt dirty because I touched it. I also hate cigarette smoke, smell of beer in someone´s breath...
And so on and on... Yes, it is pretty normal to react in that way to triggers. I was also three years or maybe a little bit older when it happened, so I don´t have clear memories, only flashes of someone tall standing in front of me, his smell, desire in his voice, his hand on my bare skin, and my little hands, which are not mine. Then I start to shiver, cry, feel like I can´t breath, I have nightmares and all that kind of stuff.
Unfortunately, my abuser stayed in my life for another eighteen years until september of this year and now I get triggered by a looot of things. For example my own home. He didn´t abuse me here, but he visited us. Sometimes he was staying for a long time. I remember him in there and that´s quite enough to cry at night or have nightmares. Quite disturbing place to live in, but I kind of have zerro options if I want to stay with my parents and my sinblings, especially my darling little brother (who somehow managed to grow much taller than me :-). But I try to manage it somehow. I hope you will feel better soon.

 

[Ryn]

@bluebird, thanks for your reply and for sharing your experience. Your words resonate with me a lot. There are so many things I have a strong aversion to (I can't stand my abuser's name, either) and I never understood why until now. I guess it's jus a matter of learning your triggers and then managing them...

Haha, what is it with those little brothers growing so tall?! I can resonate with that too ;)

 

[bluebird]

I never though about that - you can fight these triggers? I mean - the only possibilities for me are either to run away, completely avoid them, or to let them break me. For example right now I am planning to escape from my home. I can't bear it anymore. I just can not. I will stay at my room in the city where I go to university. My best friend will tell my parents.

 

[Ryn]

I certainly am not there yet either, but it seems to me that I've read about "grounding" techniques, so they're easier to manage when they do happen. I'm sure there will always be things to avoid and things we will never be able to do, and that's okay. But I'm also sure there are ways to overcome certain fears or at least make them easier...

I hope things work out for you. That sounds like a tough situation. Do you have a good group of supporters/friends at university?

 

[bluebird]

Thank you! I have a lot of friends, but they are mostly living somewhere else so they aren't staying during holidays in the city... but I think there will be some of them :) and my parents are kind and everything, I really hate leaving like that, but I am tired of memories and feelings coming back. This is my home, but I remember my abuser being here, I see him, I hear his voice... although I know he isn't here, I am scared. But my parents don't get it. They want me to stay here, simply not understanding how frightening this is for me. So... I will escape... not forever, I love them all and I know they will miss me... It's just the house slowly killing me...